Oversize Scanners Are Dead! Long Live Oversize Scanners!

After weeks of merely telling you The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose will be published by Booktrope, I now have something to show for it. Feast your eyes on the brand new painting I made for its cover:


This cover was conceptually tricky since it’s not directly adapted from any of its twenty-three chapters (or its appendix). I definitely wanted it to have a more idiosyncratic flavor than most modern fantasy covers. So I went with something a little more pulp. It’s either so earnest it loops around to being ridiculous or so foreboding that you’ll be surprised by the wackiness inside.

So you might’ve guessed that’s Brother Banenose in the foreground, especially if you’d seen the chapter one painting first. I kind of had to put put him there since his name will be on the cover.  It  references The Scream by not actually referencing The Scream. He makes that face a lot in the book. That’s what heroes are supposed to do, right?

Behind him is Fairuza, whom I’ve mentioned obliquely before. Even though she’s not eponymous, she’s vital to the narrative. So she gets to be on the cover too. I’m curious to hear how readers react to her. Hopefully her NECKLACE OF TEETH will win them over.

Finally, the background contains a sought after reliquary that serves as the tale’s MacGuffin. It’s not exactly a MacGuffin because it does come into play. I can say no more because SPOILERS! I guess anything I tell you about the story before its street date is technically a SPOILER. Maybe I should stop ruining it for you now.

So now that I’d made the cover, I had to transmit it to Ashley Ruggirello so she could make it all fancy with words & suchlike. My first obstacle was that it was too big to fit on my scanner at home. My next obstacle was that oversize flatbed scanners are extinct. I asked around. They don’t make them or their replacement parts anymore. It baffles me that they would become obsolete since there are plenty of things larger than a standard-size piece of paper that people might need scanned & are too fragile to be sent through rollers. Not everyone can seamlessly knit together smaller scans. It seems like a useful technological advancement. And why did they all have the gall to  decide to go kaput in my moment of need?

I was told I’d have to resort to a feed scanner at Kinko’s. (I’m going to call it Kink-0’s from now on. That’s pronounced Kink-Zeros.) This would be a hassle since I’d have to unstaple the canvases from their stretcher bars  to feed them through the scanner & then restaple them back on with the appropriate tension. The latter presupposes that the machines’s rollers wouldn’t completely wreck the painting. It’d be even more of a concern if I used impasto.

Of course the closest Kink-0’s didn’t have one. So after about an hour’s drive, I arrived at the nearest one with a feed scanner. Naturally they couldn’t locate a staple remover with which to free my canvas. I’d actually brought one with me because you it’s only when you aren’t armed with a staple remover that you need one. The point being that this Kink-0’s failed the ever important staple remover test.

Before I set my staple remover to its dirty work, however, the cashier that just came on duty asked to try something. Although it was larger than their biggest flatbed scanner, he suspected he could still get the important bits in. It worked! The new problem was that they couldn’t email me the file like I’d been promised over the phone. I had to buy a flash drive to put it on.

I successfully emailed the scan to Ms. Rugirello & now she is hard at work coverizing it. So my objective was achieved, although it was a much bigger hassle than it should’ve been. Why have you failed me, modern convenience?

My new obstacle will be making reproduction quality files of the interior paintings. Unlike the cover, they all have complicated composition with lots of little details that I can’t let a standard scanner crop out. Instead I’ll be photographing them with a digital camera. Any professional tips?

Elizabeth Henstridge gave an awesome interview where she reveals she wants Simmons to meet Peggy Carter, foolishly chooses Skimmons over MockingNerd, & refuses to acknowledge Jemmacide. Great Stone Girl just isn’t as snappy a codename.

You need to sign this petition to save the recently cancelled Hannibal from the jaws of oblivion. If season 3 ends on a cliffhanger & doesn’t get picked up elsewhere (I’m hoping for BBCA, AMC, or FX since I already get those channels), I shall hold you personally & collectively responsible. I’m not sure if that’s technically possible, but I didn’t go into the business of blaming strangers for my displeasure because it’d be easy.

There’s a Hannibal Revenge Squad now! Anybody else rooting for Alana & Margot to hook up? (Only until Margot’s canon girlfriend, Judy, debuts.) Personally I hope Hannibal & Will realize there are other pigs in the poke & start furiously loathing each other as they do in Red Dragon. They can still have some crazy violent hate-sex first so both sides of the shipping war win. Just chill it with the lovelorn introspective brooding already. I’m curious what’ll happen to Freddie Lounds since her epic canon death was turned into a ruse.

I’m on GoodReads now! I just started so I don’t much know what to use it for besides slagging off books. Come tell me how it’s supposed to work.

3 thoughts on “Oversize Scanners Are Dead! Long Live Oversize Scanners!

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