Fetch Me More Sharks That I Might Jump Them!

“Fetch me more sharks that I might jump them!” I’ve retroactively decided that was my motto whilst writing The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose. In other words, I embraced absurdity like I was the novelty vacation magnet to its refrigerator. (Yes, there’s still a plot & emotional throughlines but we’ll get to them in another blog with less focus on wackiness.)

So I was a bit nervous when I received the edits back on the book. I didn’t personally know my editor, Majanka Verstraete, so she was under no social obligation to humor me about its quality. I was also concerned that there might be a language barrier between her & the jokes. Would ninety percent of the text be struck through in crimson with foreign expletives in the comment balloons?

So when I finally psyched myself up to read through the edits, I was pleasantly surprised to find her notes clear & helpful. There were no calls to massively overhaul the story. The most common revisions she suggested were to cut down on the adverbs & exclamation marks. I personally don’t understand the modern dislike for adverbs as the succinctly describe how actions are performed, but I’m not going to argue with someone who’s had more books published than me. Many of the gratuitous exclamation marks survived, however, as I come from a nation that undervalues subtlety! I also made a few superfluous adjustments like changing the occupations of background characters that nobody will care about besides me.

So it’s probably for the best that the major publishing houses didn’t return my calls. I would’ve most likely been assigned to an editor whose professional advice would be to gut the idiosyncrasy out of it, incinerate it, & scatter the remnants across the globe so it’d be even harder for them to reconstitute. I think there was a vampire metaphor at the end, but the hypothetical result would be to turn it into the book equivalent of a zombie, which has an even larger cultural cache than vampires so long as they’re completely removed from the original Haitian concept of zombies. Luckily Booktrope allowed me to pick an editor who let me me keep it kooky! Ms. Verstraete is my new favorite editor!

So you’re still getting a weird book! Hooray for you! Now let’s see if it survives proofreading…

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Speaking of Batman, the real reason why Jill Pantozzi stepped down as Editor-In-Chief of The Mary Sue has finally been revealed: She’s accepted an executive position with Wayne Enterrprises! Let’s hope her official advice as a Wayne exec on saving the rainforest is “Do whatever Dr. Isley says.”

This is tangentially relevant because I’ve actually conversed with Ms. Pantozzi in real life. She squandered many opportunities to murder me due to her dedication to Bat-ethics. I can’t think of a better endorsement than that! So congratulations on becoming as fictional as Grant Morrison, who also failed to kill me! (The F-Lash should just cast him as Mirror Master.) Do you know if Wayne Enterprises is hiring in any of its branches not located in Gotham City?

So I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention there’s another Sharknado in this sharkcentric post. I concur with Teen Wolf (sadly not one starring Michael J. Fox or Jason Bateman) photo-recapper extraordinaire, Price Peterson, that these are not good movies.  It’s a great title, but the execution is lacking. I can honestly say this as someone who made his own schlocky speculative fiction film. After all, the C-list stars never encounter true sharknadoes until the very ends of the films! At least the Archie comic book crossover has the potential to depict Jughead chowing down on impromptu sharkburgers from the sky whilst being eaten by sharks himself. It definitely contains a jerkin’ Josie & the Pussycats reference!

That’s why I wrote you a list of The 10 Least Terrible SyFy Channel Original Movies to watch instead. If you absolutely need to watch dubious CGI sharks, Sharktopus is the superior murder turducken! I, the other hand, shall be watching Paddington tonight. It’s the literary dream team crossover of Jean-Baptiste Grenouille, Marisa Coulter, & Angus Flint. Never you mind that there’s nobody named Angus Flint in the original Lair of the White Worm!

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