Book Trailers Are Dumb. So I Made Two!

I don’t get book trailers. Movie trailers make sense because they’re already an audiovisual medium whereas books aren’t. If one’s work were to be slavishly adapted into a movie or TV show with Dyna-mation monsters (HINT HINT), then its trailer could also serve as a book trailer but that’s not helpful for pre-publishing marketing. You could film selected pages in a book, but I don’t know if that’s engaging. Why do you never need a book trailer when blurbs & excerpts already serve that function without tackily crossing media? So I think book trailers are dumb, which is why I made two of them.

I must thank Sir Andrew of Birchenough for doing the voice over and Jack “The Gat” Gattanella for editing the sound afore they recorded their latest installment of The Wages of Cinema. (“One’s a knight. The other’s a mobster. Hijinks ensue!”)They also found a hilarious typo in the script. The image editing was all my fault.

“You said you made two trailers, so where’s the other one?” Curse your comprehension of basic mathematics! Yes, I have another trailer ready but I’m saving that so I have something to talk about in the future. The next trailer for The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose is even better (especially if you didn’t care for this one), so keep your eyes & ears peeled for it. So why didn’t I lead with the better trailer then? Because SHOWMANSHIP!

Oh, I had to make a YouTube channel in order to upload these. (That press-ganged me into getting a Google+ account, which was extra annoying.) So I also put all of FILLER! onto YouTube in case you don’t want to watch it on Vimeo for some strange reason. There’s also a playlist of my friends’ projects I helped out on. My hand has been cut from the trailer to Evilution: Unnatural Selection, but I assure you it made it into the final product. Now I just need to figure out how to upload my high school Napoleon project, Instant Potato!, & The Intergalactic Necktie Strangler… 

So there’s a trailer for season 3 of Agents of SHIELD. There’s no sign of Jemmacide in it. It does have Lash, but he won’t fill the porcupine-sized hole in my heart left by Raina upgrading to Tulip on Preacher because she loves flowers so much. Since Joss Whedon had the effrontery to not give Baron von Strucker it before unceremoniously killing him off, how do we feel about about giving Coulson the Satan Claw as his robo-hand? Clark Gregg could make talking about his Satan Claw sound perfectly wholsesome. Will Griffin & Bessie the Hellcow finally appear this season by virtue of Chekov’s name-drop?

People on the Interwuzzle have been mean to Chloe Bennett because her new haircut is too short. That’s crazy talk. It’s not short enough! Quake is supposed to have a pixie cut! Ditto Maria Hill. How am I supposed to confuse the two of them if they don’t have identical regulation pixie cuts? No more half measures!

Speaking of crazy talk, some males vehemently object to Monica Bellucci being the next Bond Girl. My suspension of disbelief has been obliterated.

I might be the only human unmoved by The Force Awakens trailer, but I have become fixated on Captain Phasma because she’s SHINY & CHROME! Hopefully this makes it inversely useful to stormtrooper armor. Infuriatingly, none of her action figures thus far have been vac metalized. There’s a Captain Phasma costume specifically for boys. Is this another instance of misgendering by licensees or has transvestism officially become mainstream? Either way, I’m going to be so disappointed when she doesn’t slice anyone in twain with a giant buzzsaw in the movie.

Variety tried to kill Terry Gilliam, but he didn’t want to go on the cart.

Based solely on the images selected, it looks like this article’s thesis is “encouraging people to make their own art will lead them to create abominations.” I wish I’d been told that before writing a book.

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