Now that The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose has been successfully published, I’ve unilaterally decided my difficult second novel will be horror, which may be a completely arbitrary decision based on my approach to genre so far.
Warwick Davis is going to be in Star Wars: The Force Awakens! Maybe he’s reprising the role of Wicket again? I’d be infinitely more excited for this overhyped movie if the marketing included Wicket. Of course now I’m worried that Ewoks may only be in it so the Empire 2.0 can wipe them out to cheaply establish its badassery in the eyes of those wrongheaded people who loathe Ewoks. THIS WILL NOT STAND!
Anti-Ewokites somehow cannot process that Ewoks are probably the galaxy’s most fearsome species. Not only are they cunning carnivorous hunters, the natural resources of Endor that comprise their rudimentary weapons are far stronger than the Empire’s high tech tools like AT-ST’s. Had the Rebel Alliance deployed Ewoks to eradicate the remaing Imperial outposts, they wouldn’t have to worry about the inaccurately named First Order. Now a movie about Ewoks slaughtering their way across the cosmos in the honor of C-3PO (whose evokes a transliteration of the Cyrillic spelling of USSR, CCCP) would be game changer with plenty of potential moral ambiguity. They’d still sing yub-jub songs with their Woklings in wicker baskets around bonfires of their enemies for maximum adorability though. Also, by Episode VII I expect at least Princess Kneesaa to have become a lightsaber-wielding Jedi. Might Ewoks be an even more invasive species than cane toads? The only way Ewoks could be more terrifying is if they were vampires, which is where COUNT EWOKULA comes in! Remember, the hoodless Ewok must not be seen in public even if it’s already wearing a baller Spawn cape.
Why must Stormtrooper helmets be so hard to draw?
Speaking of diminutive aliens, I was recently informed that Jawas are rodents underneath their wraps. This is retcon from the prequel era, which explains why it’s not in my xenobiology reference material library. It’s also pretty uninspired. I always thought Jawas & Tusken Raiders came out of the wombs with organic bandages for epidermis as if they’re living mummies, which is oxymoronic. I refuse to update my headcanon because it’s superior to Lucasfilm apocrypha.
Now if you read all the way to the end of this post, I’ll treat you to not one but two DC on TV memes!
The new album by my pals Bern & the Brights, Heart Wide Open, drops November 6. Yeah, I’m friends with a band!
As you noticed if you listened to my interview with The International Writers Association, I’m out of the loop on the local writer scene. It seemed serendipitous that my town newspaper was advertising a Writers Group at the local library. It was a trap! None of the library staff had heard about this meeting. When I dialed the number in the ad, I was told I had the wrong number. The two other writers that also fell for this cruel ruse told me this ad sporadically appears in the newspaper with random capitalization. So the three of us networked whilst being paranoid about who could be observing us. For the sake of argument, let’s jump to the conclusion that this was an elaborate hoax set up by ghosts with plenty of spare ectoplasmic cash to invest in newspaper ads from beyond the grave. Quit trolling us, dead folks!
Entenmann’s makes cider doughnuts!
WolfCop is the best Canuck werewolf movie since Ginger Snaps Unleashed.
If you live in the center of North America, you can now get “all dressed” flavored crisps from Ruffles for a limited time. If you have the good fortune to already live in the top of North America, as you were. It took me four stores to find mine, but it was worth it. Now if only they’d make plush dolls of the adorable Beavoosear. He’s like the Canadian equivalent of Totoro or a Wolpertinge (which you may recognize from The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose).
Gotham just gave one of Batman’s most one-note villains a compellingly tragic origin worthy of BTAS. “Former Cinderella reduces wicked stepbrothers to cinders,” reports Gotham City’s only newscaster with jerkin’ New Wave hair. Firefly still needs a jetpack though.
The F-Lash got cockblocked by King Shark then sharkblocked by Harrison Wells! We got pay off to an Easter egg in the same episode! The TV tie-in comics that previously introduced King Shark just became non-canonical, which means Bronze Tiger could return to (Green) Arrow. They spent a ton on VFX for a 30 second gag! It was worth it!