No Time For Champions, ‘Cause We Are The Losers!

Another reader has professed her love of The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose with a snapshot!

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It’s always heartening to know there are fans somewhere out there, so be not shy! As an indie author who didn’t receive an advance, I appreciate & depend upon everybody who generously patronizes me! If you have a camera & a copy of my book (print or digital), you too can wind up on this blog!

Now is an apropos time to regale you with a tale of the time I was a  party extra in the pilot for Losers. I was referred to the project by Jack Gattanella for my work as an extra in two scenes of his feature debut, Green Eyes. By the way, you should all buy Green Eyes so Jack will give me & the final version of my book a meatier role in his next film.

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Anyway, I was on set to provide background filler for the big party sequence. To add verisimilitude, I defaulted to my Italian instincts of gesticulating with baby carrots. Writer-director Carlos del Rosario resented my ethnic atavism on the grounds that I was upstaging the actors that actually had named parts & dialogue. Curiously, the one shot where I wasn’t hammy where I stared at a painting was cut from the final product.

Losers has since been making the convention circuit. My sister went to a Q&A screening (It was on her itinerary before I told her I was in it) & congratulated Carlos on giving her n’er-do-well brother a (non-paying) job. He replied “The thing about Matt is, he’s a great guy but a terrible extra.” Then she was awarded a copy of it on DVD long before I was.

I bring this up because Losers has finally been uploaded to YouTube in its entirety for your viewing pleasure See if you can spot me!

Superfluous aliens in Fargo season 2 courtesy of American Horror Story season 2.

The non-SDCC bootleg trailer for X-Men: Apocalypse came out! Apocalypse looks better now that I can clearly see him, but it’s unacceptable that his trademark blue lips have been omitted. They must’ve exhausted their supply of blue bodypaint on Nightcrawler, since Mystique, Beast, & Archangel appear disappointingly unpigmented. (I thought we all agreed that Beast & Xavier shooting up anti-mutant drugs in the last movie was terrible?) Magneto, Xavier, Beast, Moira, & Havok look about the same ages they were in First Class even though that movie was set twenty years prior because Fox doesn’t understand aging makeup. (Only Mystique is allowed to look the same because that’s part of her powers.) Meanwhile the time travel in DOFP is used to explain why Jubilee, Psylocke, & Archangel to have been conceived years before DOFP despite their youthful appearances in the original X-trilogy decades later because they want movie continuity to be even more convoluted than the comics. If First Class was a complete reboot instead of a prequel, you wouldn’t have to read mind-boggling sentences like that.

 Archangel will be in a Berlin fight club (presumably so Singer can recycle Wolverine’s intro from the first film instead of giving him a unique character arc), but bets are open as to whether his organic wings will get harpooned to a wall Mutant Massacre style. Do you think there’ll be a reference to the USSR making Omega Red that’ll lead into Wolverine 3? If the Horsemen (looking at you, Storm’s Mohawk) betray Apocalypse to join the X-Men, will this count as yet another senseless superhero slugfest for 2016? Apparently the cool shot of giant-size Apocalypse grabbing Xavier is just going to be an astral plane battle because Bryan Singer is the Lucy Van Pelt of superhero movies. (I still haven’t forgiven him for completely ignoring the perfect Magneto helmet from the end of First Class in DOFP!) The final shot in the trailer of Professor X finally being bald is going to be the final shot of the movie too, right? SIGH.

Also, this movie needs an official product tie-in with Pocky.

It’d be nice if Marvel casts someone who isn’t Caucasian as Danny Rand in Netflix’s Iron Fist so it doesn’t become Mighty Whitey: The Series. We’ll already be getting a similar origin with Dr. Strange (even The Ancient One won’t be Tibetan anymore), so why not think outside the box on this one? If getting an Asian American superhero is important to you, sign this petition & use the hashtag #AAIronFist. I just noticed the hashtag could also stand for Alcoholics Anonymous Iron Fist, which explains the mask.

I’m also worried that Netflix will try to make Iron Fist “grounded” when the concept is anything but. After all, this dude gained the magic power to make his hands glow pink to smash through steel by hugging a dragon until it died & punching its disembodied molten heart in a secret mystical city. Unless that dragon is going to be  a member of Fin Fang Foom’s alien species (Triple F is overdue for the MCU), there’s no reason to bog the magic down with Clarke’s law like they did to Thor. His modern outfits without collars that cover up his chest are so boring. He needs a green ridiculously deep V-neck with a giant flared collar to show off his dragon brand! I’d even go so far as to change his title to DRAGON HUGGER as it sounds like a more adorable porn name.

There’s a good chance there won’t be a blog next week, depending on how lazy Christmas makes me. If you click the ‘follow via email” option under the cog icon or stalk me via social media under the heart icon, you’ll be advised when my nonessential services resume.

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One thought on “No Time For Champions, ‘Cause We Are The Losers!

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