What If Brother Banenose Was A Movie?

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John “Finn the human” Boyega retweed me!

Now I can’t stop getting notifications. If only there was some way to get everyone who hearted it to read a specific book…

Did you know that if an image contains 20% text, Facebook won’t take your money to boost that post? Weird, eh?

I’m disappointed that red Kryptonite on Supergirl just made her a jerk. They shouldn’t be repeating Smallville’s mistakes. Red Kryptonite can have any surreal effect writers dream of, so making it so cliche was a waste. She didn’t even go full world-conquering evil with a snazzy pope hat!

Did you know I started writing a screenplay for The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose before Booktrope made it available to purchase as a book? I’d still love to see it adapted into a feature film. Perhaps a limited run TV series like Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell would be even better so less would need to be cut for time constraints. So I’ve taken the liberty of fan-casting (until the book’s popularity takes off, I must serve additionally as its biggest fan) a possible live action adaptation. My absurdly extensive cast list has shifted a bit over the years, but this is who I’d go with if production started right now:

Brother Banenose – Ian Holm

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With range spanning Napoleon Bonaparte to Bilbo Baggins, Ian Holm can make a befuddled monk compelling. If you think he’s too old, then know that Derek Jacobi is my second choice. We’re going full ageist on this one.

Fairuza – Annet Mahendru

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I cycled through a bunch of actresses before it struck me that Annet Mahendru was the perfect Fairuza. She’ll get to be more screwball & less dour than she is on The Americans. All she needs is a fancy dagger, a rawhide ensemble, & a necklace of teeth!

Norbert – Dylan Moran

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Dylan Moran starred as an irascible character with just enough charm that you didn’t want him booted off screen in Black Books. This will be crucial as Norbert goes full dirtbag.

Stephfi the Marauderatrix – Rachel Skarsten

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Stephfi was tough to cast until I realized that superhero movies prove any thespian can upgrade their physique for a role. All Lost Girl’s Rachel Skarsten has to do is massively bulk up & wear lifts in her boots. She already has the warrior attitude.

The All-Seeing Insect Of Doom – Kristen Schaal

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Kristen Schaal’s voice can oscillate between irritating & adorable, so she’ll find the ideal medium for The All-Seeing Insect Of Doom’s squawks of ill tiding. Muppeteers will bring its body to life.

Read on, for I’ve cast even more obscure characters after the break!

the Abbot – Bill Nighy

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Bull Nighy would look dashing pontificating on martyrdom with half a moustache.

Samuel – Tony Cox

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Tony Cox is probably a wonderful guy in real life, but he’d still be terrifying if you woke to him holding a cleaver under your nose. We’re in negotiations with my feline to play his steed.

Philip the Marauder – Kristofer Hivju

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I feel no shame in typecasting Tormund Giantsbane as a berserk barbarian.

knave the first & knave the second – Richard Ayoade &  Chris O’Dowd

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They can thumb-wrestle to decide who gets to play which knave.

Foxtroth –Timothy Omundson

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Foxtroth is a paranoid loon. Timothy Omundson has loony eyes plus a king’s beard.

Foxtroth’s wife – Tamsin Greig

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Tamsin Greig is underrated, so maybe she can channel that into her portrayal of Foxtroth’s long suffering wife. (She has a name, you know!)

the knight – Manu Bennett

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He’ll apply his (Green) Arrow experience with shouting & brandishing weapons whilst wearing a chunky helmet.

Theophilius – Ty Simpkins

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Let’s flip the script to have Ty Simpkins play a snotty bully for once.

Theophilius’s mother – Katherine Parkinson

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Since I’ve already cast her IT Crowd co-stars, let’s give her a bit part so she doesn’t feel excluded.

Raven – Claudia Black

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Science has proven that Claudia Black has the best voice, whereas Raven’s dryad body will be some sort of wooden puppet.

Rudolpho – Djimon Hounsou

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Rudolpho has a short fuse, but Djimon Hounsou’s gravitas will make it clear that it’s the result of being a frustrated small business owner.

Merribelle – Audrey Tautou

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Merribelle is one of the rare female characters to get both a speaking part & a real name so I figure it’s worth casting her to offset the gender disparity. She’s barely in the book, but I’ll take any reason to include an Audrey Tautou cameo.

the Rabbi – Saul Rubinek 

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He has the best eyebrows of all the candidates.

the Cardinal – Jean Reno

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Why shouldn’t Jean Reno be a pragmatically avaricious cardinal?

Je’offrey –  Warwick Davis

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Having seen all the Leprechaun films save the third, I am confident Warwick Davis could do this part in his sleep.

Eingang Vychod – Malcolm McDowell

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If you don’t want to see an alchemist Anubis baboon voiced by Malcolm McDowell then you’re not my friend.

the Marauder whose name has been redacted here – Dolph Lundgren

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This character has a really wonderful name, but I want to keep it a surprise until you’ve read the book. We needed someone who could convincingly go toe to toe with Ian Holm in a knife fight.

Incitatus-  Dee Bradley Baker

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Dee Bradley Baker has made a career out of voicing fictional animals, so who better than to say “Gronk!” Groot-style?

The Bear-Boy-Gatekeeper – Sam Lavagnino

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He’ll be too old to wear a bear cub’s pelt by the time this movie gets made, but who wouldn’t want to work with Catbug?

Huba the Dubious – Clancy Brown

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The former Kurgan’s pipes will serve him well as the mouthpiece of Marauder misogyny.

the cheese merchant – Michelle Gomez

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The cheese merchant is unambiguously gendered as male in the novel, but when you have the opportunity to give Michelle Gomez irreverent dialogue that becomes an author error.

the avian-headed fiend – David Warner

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David Warner has one of the most intimidating voices around as heard in such notable places as Time Bandits, Waxwork, Batman: The Animated Series, & Freakazoid! He’s also adequately tall for this role of many aliases. The auk growing out of his scalp will be portrayed by a Muppet.

Gustavia – Ruth Negga

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Showing the confession as a flashback would be an opportunity to include Ruth Negga as the intrepid wife of Doreaus.

Doraeus – James Frain

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Gustavia’s husband needs an shady vibe.

the Priestess of Minerva- Caroline Dhavernas 

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Caroline Dhavernas looks wise enough to have a successful career as a Priestess of Minerva in real life (even if all her advice comes from inanimate animals).

the troll-bridge keeper – Brendan Gleeson

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You’d believe him as a weary man trying to eke out a living wife his troll wife.

the Cistercian – Tom Baker

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Exposition goes down smoother when you have the best Doctor say it.

the satyr –  Bill Bailey

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Stuttering shouldn’t pose a problem for him. Did I just reunite the cast of Black Books for a scene?

Pie de la Suerte – Adrien Brody

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We need an Oscar winner to class up this joint. Fortunately Adrien Brody seems to be following in Nicholas Cage’s footsteps. Surely he wouldn’t mind being Frank Zappa-looking skiapod in a scene most likely to be deleted.

Agip – Hoon Lee

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Hoon Lee’s Splinter is one of the current TMNT toon’s highlights.

the chef – Mads Mikkelsen

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Who doesn’t want Mads Mikkelsen back in the kitchen perfecting culinary abominations?

Duke Tojeppi Puzzlowski – Matt Berry

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When you need a dim popinjay whose voice will carry through the scented handkerchief he keeps clamped over his face, you call Matt Berry.

Friar Fishbane – Timothy Dalton

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Timothy Dalton would be the most regal, draconian, & skeptical Grand Inquisitor.

Mosiaco Souveniry–Darren Evans

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Darren Evans has the perfect gormless medieval visage. He also sings, which is important since he’s playing Friar Fishbane’s angel-voiced herald.

Geöffnet Mittwocher – Iwan Rheon

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Before he was Bolton’s bastard, Iwan Rheon’s Simon was the most unnerving thing about Misfits. He needs to do that again as a librarian with a crossbow.

the dragon – Angela Bassett

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American Horror Story keeps giving Angela Bassett roles that center on righteous indignation. That’s also the dragon’s driving force, so she can be overqualified here too!

the cyclops – Ron Perlman

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Ron Perlman was a polyglot hunchback in The Name of the Rose, which was a big influence on my book. So let’s homage that by making him a cyclops here.

 

And that’s where I gave up! What do you think of my casting choices? Did you envision any of the characters differently? Did I omit any of your favorite incidental characters?

If any of you know some folks who can actually make such a movie or TV series happen, please let me know so we can get this optioned. The rest of you can hype it up by writing to your Members of Parliament & thespian fan clubs!

 

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