Supergirl Inferior, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Superior

On Monday, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s season finale curbstomped Supergirl’s & Better Call Saul’s. This show has been a subversive delight from the start. It feels like the spawn of Wonderfalls & Galavant.You’d expect me to type a lengthy ode to it since it’s in the headline, but I tuckered myself out dissecting Supergirl below. (I will say that Vincent Rodriguez III would make a great live action  Grunge in the unlikely event that WB wants to do something with its Gen 13 rights.) Just watch it already!

The two-part season finale of Supergirl was a damp squib when it needed to be a damp squid.

So the Myriad MacGuffin turns Earth’s populace into a gestalt. It was originally designed to work on Kryptonians but it was since modified to be human-specific. Except Superman is susceptible to it because being raised on Earth somehow alters you brain unless you’re the title character? This is supposed to harness the planet’s brainpower to find solutions to Earth’s destruction. Unfortunately they just show everybody being listless instead of collective teamwork. There’s typical dialogue about how this is bad because free will is good, but doesn’t saving our planet outweigh those concerns in this case? Did Supergirl doom her second homeworld through her myopia? Max “Diet Lex” Lord had previously figured out how to stop the Myriad signal with ion blockers but couldn’t make a large scale version. Since Myriad is being beamed from his hjacked satellites, it’s more worrisome that he couldn’t just deactivate them altogether or tell Supergirl to un-sabotage them in orbit. Supergirl thwarts Myriad by unleashing the power of schmaltz on the city’s cellphones via analog television broadcasts because the science is irrefutable. If you took a shot each time a character said “hope,” your liver would sacrifice you to save itself.

Last week’s penultimate episode opens with Non getting Lucy to release all the DEO’s prisoners, which unfortunately operates on a timer instead of an immediate system purge. She personally frees Maxima, whose core personality trait is sexually harassing Superman, early just so she can have a too brief battle with Supergirl. While she’s not as depowered as she was on Superman : The Animated Series, she loses points for immediately pledging fealty to non-threatening Non in exchange for fertilization. Have some self respect, Queen of Almerac! (Shouldn’t keeping alien royalty locked up like this be a major intergalactic incident?) I liked seeing her, but it’s another odd moment where the show expects the general public to roll with relatively obscure characters already being players in this world instead of introducing them via Supergirl. The New 52 interpretation of Maxima as a heroic lesbian would’ve been a perfect way for this series to feature her without relying on off-screen history with Superman. One measly scene failed to meet my minimum requirement for Maxima.

Based on the precedent set by Tommy Merlyn & Eddie Thawne as non-canonical romantic third wheels related to supervillains on the other Berlanti DC shows, I expected Winn Schott Jr. to heroically  sacrifice himself. Instead they killed Kelly. No! Not Kelly! Network television has been on a fridging binge lately, but this may be the worst.

The finale begins with the Kara vs. mind-controlled Alex in a janky Kryptonite battlesuit. Instead of quickly immobilizing Alex with freeze breath & disabling the armor with her heat vision so she can get back to de-Myriadizing everyone, Supergirl actually goes through with this completely manufactured battle. Kara’s life is spared once Martian Manhunter flies Mrs. Danvers in to tell Alex to stop being mind-controlled. So the TV version of Justice League: Civil War is just as dumb as the movie. Non doesn’t even bother sending brainwashed Superman to kill them.

The following day, Psychotic Rule 63 Brainiac Indigo makes Diet Zod Non initiate her contingency plan of using Myriad to make all the people’s brains explode.  The momentum takes a giant break so Supergirl can give maudlin farewells to her supporting cast in case the series is cancelled. Ar this point we finally learn that they’ve been holed up for years at the downed Fort Rozz in Nevada that the army knew about but never bothered to tell the DEO. This could be an even bigger plot hole than the one The Hand dug, although there’s plenty of competition for it here. Supergirl & Martian Manhunter have to stop them alone (because Superman’s boots are asleep & Lois isn’t around to give him true love’s kiss) with only six minutes to spare! Luckily for them & the show’s budget, the rest of their extraterrestrial army is already in cryosleep. Due to pacing issues, the fight is quite short yet ridiculously brutal. Double M rips Indigo in twain with his bare hands! Then Supergirl heatvisons her uncharismatic uncle so hard that his own eyebeams get pushed back into his skull! He’s definitely blinded & barely breathing. So he might be deader than Red Tornado and Jemm. If Supergirl gets picked up for a second season, it’ll beat Snyder’s Cinematic DC Murderverse at its own game!

The Myriad death signal can’t be turned off nor can For Rozz be piloted off the planet (despite the villains planning to leave on it for greener planets). So Supergirl singlehandedly lifts all 1,000,000 tons of it into space. This is the same woman who couldn’t catch three humans an episode ago. Alex warns her not to, because space has no gravity for her to fly back to Earth with. Since Supergirl flies in defiance of Earth’s gravity, I don’t think this is an actual problem. Couldn’t she just push off Fort Rozz for thrust? Anyway. Alex picks her up in her old Kryptonian pod that she instantly learned how to fly.

Cat rewards Kara for her superlative secretarial service by upgrading her to her own private office. This would be perfect for her to slip out for superheroics during work hours, except it has no windows. Is she supposed to smash through the wall every time there’s distress? This is just as thoughtlessly cruel as the X-Mansion not having any wheelchair ramps. (Wait, why doesn’t the X-Mansion have any wheelchair ramps since Xavier only used the cool gold hoverchair for about a decade? That’s on you, Professor X!)

The finale ends with Supergirl encountering a brand new Krptonian pod. This is not a thrilling cliffhangers because we’ve seen so many living Kryptonians they’ve lost all novelty. If it doesn’t contain Power Girl & the entire Legion of Super-Pets, it will haven been for naught!

So Supergirl ended on an underwhelming note. I understand it was limited by not having as many episodes as its CW siblings, but it could’ve alotted its limited time better. I genuinely grew to enjoy Melissa Benoist’s, David Harewood’s, & Calista Flockhart’s performances, however, so I won’t begrudge it a second season to shape up. Can it guest star Margo Martindale as Granny Goodness?

Dear people that make The F-Lash, please cast David Tennant as Mirror Master next season so he can use his native Scottish accent.

ABC, STOP interrupting Agents of SHIELD for Primary updates!

 Save it for your actual news programs! If you insist on spoiling news before the evening news, at least put it in a tiny crawl on the bottom of the screen where we can ignore it.

The Boaty McBoatface scandal also makes me livid.

I got a shout out on page 34 of the Spring 2016 issue of WP Magazine! If you don’t have a copy, it says “Matthew Catania published his debut novel, The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose.” I’ve finally been acknowledge in print media as a legitimutant author!


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