Why Am I Still Writing About Batman V Superman?

Some 2016 movies spawn article after article of newsworthy tidbits. Most just get a review before fading into obscurity. (Why are buddy crime comedies bombing this year?) Such seems to be the fate of my beloved Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows. Aside from reports of its financial disappointment, there aren’t any thinkpieces to piggyback off & convince skeptics it’s a good movie. Had I realized this in advance, I wouldn’t have waited so long to see it. Of course it’s crazy to think that the second week of a theatrical run is still too late if you want to attract eyeballs. So China, after you’ve finished bolstering Warcraft’s coffers, could you please do the same for the new TMNT2 so I can get another with Mousers & Triceratons? Thank you kindly.

Despite being a much worse movie that came out in March, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice continues to be in the first group. This is probably because the R-rated version is being released this month. The DC movieverse is also chugging along in hopes of eventually bearing financial & critical fruit, so some news is  merely tangentially Bat-centric. (See, you should’ve had the Mighty Mutanimals spinoff in production already, TMNT!)  To stay ahead of the curve, I’m engaging in the time-honored Interwuzzle tradition of WILD SPECULATION! So while BvS:DoJ (is that the correct style for its acronym?) remains rant-worthy when real news is sparse, you should really go see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows instead of it.

Anybody that’s been collecting Mattel’s BVSDOJ line since December to build a Bat-grapnel gun, will finally be fulfilled with the recent release of the last batch of toys. So the final mystery figure is … the Bat Creature from one of Batman’s nightmares?

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I was expecting something more sensible like Lois Lane, Alfred Pennyworth, a Parademon, a scaled down Doomsday, Annatoli Knyazev, the Flash, or any of the superheros in civilian attire instead. And rather than give it the one snarling expression it had in the movie, it looks completely placid. At least this Bat Creature (Batman in a duster got dibs on the more fitting Nightmare Batman designation)  was actually noticeable in the theatrical cut, unlike Constable Zuvio. Its unposeable vestigial wings really hamper its playability, though it’s still less likely to pegwarm than Lex Luthor who doesn’t come with a jar of urine. It reminds me of the hallucinatory bat creature cut from Batman Forever. Instead of dream cameos, when are we finally going to get a live action movie with actual Man-Bat in it?

 

Between a keychain, statue, & SDCC exclusive action figure, the Joker’s Panda henchman from Suicide Squad is getting a surprising amount of merchandise too. Also the Suicide Squad version of Batman comes with a ton of accessories plus part of Killer Croc unlike the bare bones BVSDOJ version because Mattel hates its loyal customers. You’ll also need to buy a bunch of Harley Quinn & Joker variants to build Killer Croc fully clothed as opposed to half-naked despite there being a bunch of characters Mattel hasn’t made yet that could’ve included these parts. Methinks they overestimate the appeal of those two & “Ultimate” (because “Killer” is too intense for a mass market toyline with “Suicide” in the title) Croc wearing more clothes. To make it even more confusing to buyers than when Hasbro pulls this, there’s variant packaging with the part numbering changed. Maybe this time it won’t take seven months for the whole series to hit stores?

 

So J. K. Simmons has been pumping iron like a fiend to play … Commissioner Jim Gordon in Justice League? Was looking like Tenzin conditional for the part? Gordon doesn’t even need to be as buff as Batman so I’m confused. Is he going to take Martian Manhunter’s place in the Justice League itself because David Goyer poisoned Zack Snyder’s mind against him? Affleck was one of the few parts of BvS:DoJ I didn’t hate, but why not jump right ahead to Jim Gym Gordon donning the cowl? Why can’t we get this Gordon on Gotham?

Wait til you see Gym Gordon’s daughter (or niece, depending on the continuity), bABS Gordon! So far all we’ve seen of Barbara Barbell Gordon in the uncut BvS:DoJ trailer is Jena Malone in a blonde wig, which is now even more disappointing since it’s not a scene of her getting as swole as her pa. (Also, why does Wonder Woman still look scrawny onscreen despite Gal Gadot lifting weights? Fie on double standards for superheroines!) Didn’t she dye her hair vibrant red to be comic accurate?

Of course after I wrote this paragraph, it was leaked that Malone is actually credited as Dr. Jenet Klyburn of STAR Labs, who is also supposed to be ginger. A contradictory leak occurred the last time I speculated on who she was playing in this movie. So what’s the deal? Did her part as this obscure character get cut when it was decided she’d be put to better use as Batgirl in one of the future films?  Is Batbara Gordon disguised as Jenet Klyburn? Does Klyburn become Batgirl & potentially Oracle in this universe? Did WB just leak misinformation on her part to drum up interest in the R-rated cut? An in-depth analysis of her scene may be forthcoming as soon as someone puts it on YouTube!

Come to think of it, Lex Luthor & Jimmy “shot in the face” Olsen are also redheads in the comics but not this movie. Meanwhile Amy Adams has red hair while playing the canonically brunette Lois Lane. Did her contract stipulate that she be the only ginger allowed in the DC Murderverse?

Meanwhile former Green Goblin’s, Willem DaFoe, heroic role in Justice League is Vulko,  who reminds me of underwater Dr. Hans Zarkov. I expected Metron for Fourth World infodumps. I was hoping the Atlanteans would be predominantly Polynesian instead of Jason Momoa’s Aquaman being an outlier, but that doesn’t seem to be the case as Amber Heard is Mera. I would’ve gone with Moon Bloodgood because her name, although not a sentence, is more fun to say.

 

There’s rumors that the umpteenth Batman movie will be an original story & about the Red Hood. Well it can’t be both, now can it? Not only do Under the Red Hood & Arkham Knight already exist, it’d seem too derivative in a post The Winter Soldier world. It’d be more exciting to pit the “World’s Greatest Detective” against a more esoteric foe like Ten-Eyed Man “Only visionary director Ben Affleck would dare pit the Dark Knight against the man who’s five times less blind than a bat!”

 

Now when Just Kidding Simmons (not to be confused with Just Kidding “it rhymes with trolling” Rowling) reprises his role as J. Jonah Jameson (please oh please oh please!), he’ll be so buff he won’t even need to outsource his spider slaying to  Scorpion! Now there’s an underrated villain who deserves to be on the bigscreen … unlike Vulture. He was the original anti-Spider-Man before Venom (which is why it made sense when the two characters were consolidated). Doctor Octopus gets all the attention for his prosthetic arms, but Scorpion’s multi-weapon tail is cool too. He’d be a great way to work Triple J &  The Daily Bugle directly into the main narrative. They can even have Mysterio or Chameleon ruin Spidey’s reputation in act one so Jameson has a less insane reason to commission Scorpion’s creation. His green armors already look movie ready.  They can even work a few in in show his character evolution & sell more toys, though Hasbro’s had an even worse record of making movie villains than Marvel Studios. (It’s going to take forever to assemble the Masters of Evil at this rate!)

In Iron Man v Captain America: Dawn of Vengeance, why didn’t Baron Zemo wear a fur-trimmed parka & magenta ski mask while visiting frigid Siberia? It would’ve been a perfect way to reference his costume.

Scott Lang’s Ant-Man career is depressing when you notice he’s always being manipulated into illegal situations by other “heroes” so he’ll never be legally allowed to visit  his daughter again.

Regarding the penultimate season finale of Orphan Black, I would like to congratulate Rachel Duncan on her well deserved victory. So is P. T. Westmorland immortal due to Thanagarian sky-rocks? If next year is the series’ last, all those Tatiana Maslanys are gonna be out of work!

Whilst I search for a new publisher, you can still order signed copies of The Dolorouos Adventure of Brother Banenose from me. Supplies are limited as the title is out of print.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t warn you that Key Lime Oreos exist now! The Keebler elves have their own equivalent. Outback Steakhouse has $4 Key Lime Margaritas too! I’m still waiting on Turkey Hill to bring back its Key Lime ice cream.*

* The author has yet to be bribed with complementary Key Lime products from the preceding companies, but he’d like to be.

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