Suicide Squad Goals

The difference between Suicide Squad & the Rio Olympics is that the athletes volunteered.

Just as it broke the August box office record set by the superior Guardians of the Galaxy, my really wordy review of Suicide Squad helped me break some of my own records. August 7, 2016 had my highest number of views so far! I’ve also finally exceeded the amount of visitors I had last year. Thank you, highly polarizing movie! (I guess you helped too, Preacher season one review that I posted the same week.) Why must I always get the best exposure when my book isn’t in print?

With the brutal war raging between movie critics & movie makers,WB might as well quote me on the the DVD. “Suicide Squad is perfectly adequate!”

The other news to pop up over the weekend is the apparently terrible music video for Skrillex’s & Rick Ross’s  “Pink Cadillac Purple Lamborghini” starring Jared Leto’s Joker. Leto was cast specifically so his anti-charm would make the protagonists of BVS:DOJ retroactively endearing, so I’m confident in agreeing that it’s a lousy music video without having seen it. I’m not even going to link it because friends don’t let friends witness bad music videos. People who were paid to endure it tell me it’s like “I’m On A Boat” with all the mirth excised. This song is also about the wrong car. He drove a purple Infiniti G35 Vaydor in the movie.

Did you know there’s already plans for a Harley Quinn movie?  On one paw this could be good since it seemed like Harley’s character development wound up mostly on the cutting room floor. On the other paw, I really don’t want more of the Harley & Joker power couple that David Ayer foisted upon us. He completely missed the point of Harley being a fun yet sympathetic villainess in a dysfunctional relationship. Movie Harley was as much of an unrepentant garbage person as the Joker. It’s only when she was separated from him that she displayed any comedic charm. I’d be all aboard this spinoff if they ditched Suicide Squad’s continuity in favor of what Paul Dini intended.

I wish Mattel released all the figures needed to build Killer Croc at the same time. I wish more that he was a figure I could just buy instead of being a BAF. (Well there is a better looking DC Collectibles edition on the way but it sadly lacks the option to go shirtless.) But what I wish most is that the main antagonist had an action figure. Where’s Enchantress?


Prioritize her fancy costume over the grimy one, Mattel & DC Collectibles!

The Joker’s panda henchman got one, & he’s even less of a character than Slipknot! And if Mattel can make not one but but two incredibly banal versions of Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor, surely it can make one Amanda Waller.

The F-Lash has finally cast its Mirror Master! Unfortunately it’s not David Tennant. It’s somebody named Grey Gargoyle Grey Damon who’ll be playing Sam Scudder, the non-Scottish originator of the persona.

Meanwhile Elektra, Max Shreck, Zoom, Firestorm, & young Supergirl are in that movie where Lex Luthor turns into a cat! Did Nine Lives find a “buy two Berlantiverse actors, get one free” coupon?

The “This is fine” comic reminds me of the the end of the first issue of Azrael.

There’s a new toy safety symbol I don’t recognize next to “no pumpkins” that looks like a lit cigarette bent into a C. Anybody know what I mean?

Bryce Dallas Howard attended the premiere of the Pete’s Dragon remake (Disney is really burning through these, especially if you count Once Upon A Time) in a dragon fur dress. This is the kind of insensitivity I expect from Cruella de Vill! Speaking of which, why is Disney making an origin movie for Cruella starring Emma Stone? If they go the Maleficent route, it’ll turn out Cruella was the staunchest defender of the Dalmatian Princess from her vile owners but whom Dalmatian Royalty allowed to go down in the history books as a monstress because they’re ungrateful bastards.

New photos show  Jackie Earl Haley as The Terror in the new The Tick. Sadly The Terror looks more like The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs At Midnight than the The Terror. So that either means The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs At Midnight won’t appear or he’ll look completely different. I usually love texture & detail, but I miss the streamlined classic costumes for the Tick & the Terror. Armin Shimmerman as the Terror was a highlight of the previous live action adaptaion, but I’ve no doubts that Haley will be electrifying. I’m much more concerned about how Ben Edlund is going to keep the satire fresh in his five-year continuity-rich plan. It had better commit to CHAIRFACE CHIPPENDALE!

It seems as though the titles on erotic fumetti only accidentally matched the covers. Sukia #27 inquires  “Who’s Afraid of the Ass Werewolf?” yet there’s no ass werewolf to be seen on the cover painting. How does such an injustice happen?

Shannon Purser is the latest actress to declare she wants to be Squirrel Girl! I’ve yet to see Stranger Things, but Purser does look more like Squirrel Girl than Anna Kendrick. I’ll gladly accept either in the role so long as we finally get a Squirrel Girl movie. Why aren’t you fast-tracking this already, Marvel Studios?

Brie Larson reading Captain Marvel is wonderful! Of course since Carol’s origin is being rewritten for the movie to make it less like Green Lantern (which is silly, since Nova is Marvel’s GL knockoff), maybe her research is for naught?

The Marvel Legends fan choice poll is finally up! You can vote for Songbird, Typhoid Mary, Citizen, V, or White Rabbit. I want all of them except Citizen V. I’d really like a ML Typhoid Mary, but I don’t want her in her extra-risque modern outfit. This costume or this one would would be much better. White Rabbit is the most obscure, so it’s worth supporting her even though she probably won’t take the lead over front-runner Songird.

Power Man Luke Cage got a full trailer with a perfect nod to his classic costume. Why can’t Luke wear the tiara & bracelets all the time? Wonder Woman cosplay is way cooler than some mundane hoodie. 50 Cent wants to make his own ersatz version. What the world really needs is the puntastic culinary equivalent of Luke Cake & Jessica Scones! (Best joke in this entire piece brazenly stolen from Zachary Krishef.)

Neither Rogue nor Sarah MacLachlan have been brought to justice for kissing someone so hard it took their breath away.

Topless Trudeau causes controversy in Canada! Small wonder Canada has fallen to sixth place on the UN’s World Happiness Index! 

To the three people that found me by querying “turtles out of the shadows bebop art,” I think you’re going to appreciate next week’s entry.

4 thoughts on “Suicide Squad Goals

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