Winter Must Break You!

Pantone has declared “greenery” the color of 2017. That means this blog’s  eye-bleedingly vivid hue is ahead of the curve!

Neither version of Spider-Man: Homecoming’s trailer wowed me. It somehow looks simultaneously too similar & too different from earlier Spider-Man films. As the Vulture, Michael Keaton threatens Spider-Man’s loved ones with all the disinterest he musters whilst disturbed in the middle of lunch by well-meaning Beetlejuice fans. How is the Vulture even a challenge to Spider-Man when he’s already pals with Iron Man? Marvel Studios will eventually do its take on Green Goblin, so why lessen his impact by starting off with bargain basement Green Goblin? I’d nitpick it more, but I will take the un-journalistic approach of saving it for my eventual review of the full movie.


The porn parody should be named Spider-Man: Home Cumming, right?

I vowed to start talking about books again as TV has run off on winter break like a lazy cow herd coward. (Nickelodeon hasn’t even aired the final four episodes of TMNT’s fourth season! I can still mumble about how lackluster Gotham’s & Legends of Tomorrow‘s fall finales were if I really get desperate for semi-timely content.) So I guess that’s what I’m (barely) doing this week.

I didn’t love Ready Player One as much as everybody else, perhaps because I’m not a hardcore gamer. I do like the 1980’s, but the absence of any culture beyond that decade (aside from Firefly) in 2044 seems much more dystopic than nostalgic. The Easter Egg hunt challenges being 90% rote memorization of old video games & movies does not fill me with confidence for the future. The virtual school planet was a neat concept, but the logistics of the online & offline worlds were a bit counter-intuitive. Why didn’t Halliday have the foresight to program the OASIS source code to prevent corporations from blatantly cheating (aside from ensuring fight the power drama)? The conflicts are all set to easy mode. Maybe watching it as a Spielberg movie will be more fun, although that sounds to have an entirely different set of problematic issues (no Aech, stocky Art3mis played by a thin actress, Parzival the racially unknown protagonist cast with an obligatory white boy). Supposedly the homages will be less overbearing, but they’d better not skimp on the licensing fees for MechaGodzilla!

Take Hasbro’s Star Wars Black survey, where Wicket is disrespectfully referred to merely as “Ewok.” I voted no on anything involving price hikes, even if General Grievous would require more effort than another Han Solo. Put in some good words for Logray, Gamorrean Guards, & Count Dooku for me. Don’t forget to remind Hasbro Zam Wesell is a cool looking bounty hunter that exists! She is superior to Dengar in every manner!

NECA will finally be releasing its previously cancelled wave of Prometheus toys next year. Now I can finally make customs of Noomi Rapace’s & Charlize Theron’s characters from movies that don’t suck!

“Pigs In SPAAACE!” is back after over twenty years!

Emily Graslie elucidates us that beardogs were a thing because The Legend of Korra was a documentary.

Recently I had the pleasure of witnessing Wild At Heart. I would’ve entitled it the other half of its thesis quote, Weird On Top. As the author of the original book, Barry Gifford, said of David Lynch’s adaptation, it’s “never boring.” (Did you know he wrote six sequels, but only Perdita Durango has also been made into a movie?)

Wild At Heart is a murderers’ row of people that should’ve been the Joker instead of Jared Leto. (Admittedly, this is a very broad demographic.) Obviously there’s Willem Dafoe, who’s been fancast as the Clown Prince of Crime since the late 80’s. He will actually be in DC movies as … Vulko, Atlantis’s top scientist? I’m getting flashbacks to when Krusty was rejected for the evil clown role in the Radioactive Man film but cast as a pirate. Nicholas Cage has been very hit or miss, but I sense he’d turn in an electrifying performance as Mr. J. Crispin Glover would just have to be himself. I’m not just thinking of its dudes either. Laura Dern would be a very unorthodox pick, but I have faith in her. If I’m found dead, the cause will probably be from mainlining Isabella Rossellini as the Joker. Ah, yes … that’s the classy stuff!

Aside from Gentleman Ghost making his cinematic debut in The Lego Batman Movie, my favorite DC movie news this week is Patrick Wilson will be Ocean Master in Aquaman.  Please don’t tone down his ostentatious costume like the Justice League cartoon did! He needs a metal mask of a weird looking fish wrapped around his head! Hopefully they don’t completely drop his arc to focus on Black Manta like Young Justice either. (“Downtime” might be my favorite YJ episode so I’m still salty about this.) The former Nite-Owl previously voiced the POTUS in BVS: DOJ & wasn’t briefed about anything in Suicide Squad. Fingers crossed Aquaman will reveal that in-between attempting to wrest control over Atlantis, Ocean Master returns to the Oval Office & refuses to doff his undersea raiment.

In more dubious DC news, Harley Quinn’s Suicide Squad spinoff movie, Gotham City Sirens, will also be directed by David Ayer. Look for co-stars Catwoman & Poison Ivy to ditch their recognizable costumes for the shortest booty shorts possible & a surfeit of unsubtle ink! At least he’s not writing it this time.

Wonder Woman’s Honorary United Nations Ambassadorship for the Empowerment of Women & Girls has been cut short due to a superficial petition against her. Maybe they should’ve considered that ahead of time before making a big to-do of her appointment with Lynda Carter & Gal Gadot? Of course the UN didn’t have a problem with the skimpy attire of previous fictional Honorary Ambassadors Tinker Bell & Winnie the Pooh. Is no place safe from Disney’s anti-DC conspiracy? As with most of the UN’s efforts, this diversionary controversy has not improved the lives of any non-fictional people.

A Star Wars: Rogue One review is probably coming next! Unless I go for a Rogue One: A Star Wars Story review instead.

8 thoughts on “Winter Must Break You!

  1. I might actually like Perdita Durango (that’s the one I saw on HBO with Rosie Perez, Javier Bardem in the first time I can remember seeing him, and James Gandolfini) a little more than Wild at Heart, but the spectacle of seeing Nicolas Cage and Willem Dafoe in the same frame made it so that I had to see the movie at the IFC Center a few years ago for a midnight screening. There’s also few scenes as terrifying as Bobby Peru talk-raping Lula in the motel room.

    Also – Laura Palmer as the Good Witch!

    Liked by 1 person

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