The Future Is Bad For You

If you’re reading this, congratulations on having survived 2016! Let’s all begin our venture through 2017 with low expectations! After all, 2017 is the year of The Running Man. They say to be the change you want to see in the world, so this year I’m having myself drawn & quartered!

Some good news is that both my 2016 views & visitor stats markedly increased over 2015’s, though WordPress hasn’t sent me a qualitative analysis like last year. Seeing as how my 2015 tenure was two months shy of of a full year, I’m especially glad the opposite wasn’t true. The most read blog was “Let’s All Ride Deadpool’s Coattails!,” so click through some of my lesser viewed blogs to even things out.  I was going to include a Top Ten Movies of 2016 list since I saw exactly ten movies at the cinema last year, but then I realized my quantitative rankings would be mostly arbitrary.  You’re better off reading my full reviews because they’re made of ambivalence & anhedonia!

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In 2017, don’t be that deranged hermit who shirks his societal responsibilities & criticizes others’ attempts. I already called dibs!

It’s such a ripoff that you need to watch Star Wars to get the resolution for Rogue One! (My review of this prequel was the only December blog that pulled its weight & then some.) This movie taught us that the Death Star’s superlaser cannon is powered by the same Khyber crystals that power lightsabers.  So the Grand Moff Tarkin fridged Alderaan by stabbing it with a humongous lightbsaber? (A pity he didn’t get around to Dantooine too.) It still doesn’t explain why those two dudes have to operate the superlaser from within. Using a dianoga to organically recycle waste seems counter-intuitive to putting it in the same room as the trash compactor. The whole thing is full of unsafe engineering! Maybe the Death Stars would’ve fallen apart all by themselves?

Over winter break I watched all the Hey Ash, Watcha Playin’? in no particular order! As someone who only reads books about people playing video games within video games, I didn’t get about half of the jokes in HAWP. The context free humor, on the other paw, was most delightful. Then I learned Ashly & Anthony Burch achieved careers in video games & animation!  I dreamt I missed a concert of Ashly’s because I’m just as bad at directions in The Dreamtime. Upon waking I realized I can’t even buy a CD of Ashly Burch singing, which is a ginormous travesty in this reality. What video game playing machine will I need for Grand Theft Spaceman IV?

Almost as quickly as the rumor spread that Deadpool will have a scene in Wolverine Again But With Marginally Less X-Men This Time Logan,  Ryan Reynolds shot it down. (Of course actors have been known to lie.) Although Deadpool remains my favorite comic book movie of last year (coincidentally X-Men: Apocalypse was my least favorite for not even having the decency to be fascinatingly terrible like DC’s 2015 output), I can understand that that Deadpool would completely upstage the proceedings: “Wade, didn’t you used to be a mute teleporting Baraka with laser eyes?” “That’s just your Adamantium bullet, er senility talking, Logan.” Then again I seem to be the only person not excited by the prospect of Logan being so morose & navelgazey. Hugh Jackman going through nine movies without wearing a real Wolverine costume (not even the drab brown & orange one) is just as inexcusable as the ban on the Superman suit in Smallville!

When Cable shows up in Deadpool 2: Electric Boogaloo, Deadpool had better make with the Madelyne Pryor quips! If they’re going to go all out mocking the movies’ incomprehensible timelines, then they’d better not cop out on canon by claiming Cable’s mommy is merely Jean Grey.

If you’re looking for a companion piece to Umberto Eco’s  Foucault’s Pendulum, grab The Geographer’s Library by Jon Fasman over The Prague Cemetery. It’s an engaging murder mystery revolving around alchemical objects. (This isn’t a spoiler if you read the dust jacket.) The international vignettes about these artifacts’ provenances complement the charming characters in the present thread. There is still some ambiguity by the conclusion, which is acceptable as the tone skews closer to the drollness of Tibor Fischer’s The Collector Collector. It’s the best advertisement for staying out of sketchy New England since H.P. Lovecraft. Let’s hear it for conspiracy tales that aren’t ponderous!

“The Moon Knight Before Christmas” was an odd episode of Ultimate Spider-Man. Of course I’ve only seen three full episodes (the others had Ron Stoppable as Deadpool & Zatanna Misty Lee as Squirrel Girl), so what do I know? It felt like the writers just found out it was getting cancelled & retconned multiple episodes worth of backstory into it once they realized they hadn’t gotten to Mysterio yet. Paul Schreer would be a good pick for an over the top goofy Mysterio, yet he was written resignedly maudlin.  I liked his green plaid shirt, & they nailed his not quite Dr. Octopus bowl cut. Kudos to casting Diedrich Bader as Marvel’s explicitly neurodivergent anti-lycanthrope answer to Batman, Moon Knight. They didn’t have much room to flesh this titular guest star out between the corporate mandated Doctor Strange synergy & introducing two Mysterios, but focusing on him as an indomitable weapons master that won’t quit yapping about the moon was the right beat to focus on. For a Christmas themed episode, it was a missed opportunity not to highlight his Marc Spector personality was raised Jewish. Too bad the lunatic never shouted “I AM THE FIST OF KHONSHU!” (Note to self: Add this proclamation to business cards & scream it at networking events.)

As my second full year of publication, I’d like 2017 to be even more prosperous. So what would you fine folks out there in Readerlandia want to to see more from me this year? Do you want more posts with actual themes or more hodgepodges of esoterica? Should I review more pop culture that’s not currently on TV or in cinemas? Shall I attempt to give you more behind the scenes looks at my (lack of) writing process? Should I stop trying to string words together to focus only on cat photography? I’m open to pandering to you, but you need to give me suggestions! If you like what you’re seeing here, please share my posts with all your friends as suspicious looking email attachments.

 

 

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