Limited Edition Food v. Zack’s Axes

What  I am about to tell you may shock delicate sensibilities: I find pizza to be overrated. What’s wore is that both vegetarians & omnivores have found common ground in not shutting up about how great pizza is. As someone that generally avoids the stuff, I found myself improbably intrigued by the commercials for Little Caesar’s smokehouse pizza. It reminded me of the barbacoa pizza I had at Telepizza. The problem was the nearest Little Caesar’s is over an owl hour away.

Eventually, I did find an excuse to be in the neighborhood. Do all Little Caesar’s resemble fortified bank lobbies without tables on the inside? Due to the lack of seating & scenery, I had to drive to the nearest comic book shop & eat it in my car like some kind of criminal! (Do criminals often eat pizza in cars? I only ask because what I don’t know about crime could fit in a phone book. Meanwhile what I don’t know about cars could fit in two.) It was delicious! The three barbecued meats (brisket, bacon, & pulled pork) were savory & high quality for the price. I was forced to eat the entire thing by myself! I didn’t know Big Moe Cason was a person before, but now I have reason to implicitly trust him.

A few weeks later, I had another opportunity  to pass by a Little Caesar’s. They told me they don’t make the smokehouse pizza anymore. WHAT? Not only did the commercial fail to mention this concoction was a limited time offer, it wasn’t even available for a full two months? This comes on the heels of Blimpie’s & Wendy’s not reviving their explicitly limited offer BBQ pork items. Why is it so difficult for fast food restaurants to keep pulled pork on the menu? There aren’t any chains that specialize in it, so you’d think one of these trial runs would be a grand slam.

Of course the most agonizing of limited edition edibles remains the McDonald’s shamrock shake. This year was even worse because they added an array of mint-chocolate drinks with it & didn’t haven enough STRAWs to go around. (Will they have enough Frorks for Cinco de Mayo?) McDonald’s knows there’s an insane demand for these, so why only make them available around St. Patrick’s Day? They’ve got over forty years worth of market research to show it’s popular enough to keep around. Why does McDonald’s only want my patronage in the spring? I WANT TO DRINK MINTY THINGS ALL YEAR!

shamrock1

Step one: Create demand for your exclusive product. Step two: Abruptly cut off this popular product’s supply. Step three: Profit?

Entenmann’s has seasonal doughnuts like apple cider, glazed cinnamon, pumpkin, lemon crumb, & honey glazed. Thomas’s English Muffins (also made in Horsham, PA by Bimbo Bakeries) are also in on limited edition flavor variants. The aroma of maple French toast muffins is so potent they fill up a room even when mint in package! Its buttermilk bacon pancake muffins are only available for six measly weeks! They also contain no actual bacon, so they should still be kosher & halal thanks to artificial flavors. They can be mass produced whenever! Quit trying to pressure me into hoarding them all in my cupboard! I thought food would be safe from collector marketing! Who does this benefit besides scalpers?

On the domestic side of yummy life choices, I transmogrififed a key lime pie into a milkshake.

This snippet of a year-old Zack Snyder profile has bored itself into my mind. “Six axes lean against the nearby wall. “I just like axes,” he says innocently. ‘They are cool. I have axes at home that I cut wood with, but these are my special ones.’” What vexes me is that there are no photographs of his axes in the entire piece! You can’t just toss something like that into an article & not show them! Does he have a variety of utility axes like Gimli, son of Gloin? How about a real shotgun-axe like Agents of SHIELD’s Mack? Has he amassed any antique axes? I MUST KNOW! So far I’ve only found this photo of a specially commissioned axe, but where are the rest? I reached out to Mr. Snyder on the Twitter for images of his special axe collection, but he has yet to respond to my inquiry.

While tangentially on the subject of the DC movieverse, WB really ought to nab Oscar Isaac for Kyle Rayner in the Green Lantern Corps film!

I was unable to view the premiere of the televisual adaption of American Gods for lack of Starz. I can telly you, however, that my prediction about Supergirl’s “Alex” was unfortunately proven correct. Icky Dick Malverne (a cancer-stricken suitor of Supergirl in the comics equivalent to her Lana Lang, but the series definitely maxed out on love polygons) may take the cake from Prometheus & Music Meister as the least believable villain of the season! How in Rao’s name was he telepathy-poof? Even if his demands were met & given a head start, just how far did this smug bozo expect to get after royally pissing off Supergirl?

Even before Queen Rhea is unmasked as a liar by the clever Lena Luthor, she basically says “I was betrayed when my son ran off with a trollop. Since you betrayed your own stepmother, you should go into business with me as my surrogate replacement child!” After being emotionally manipulated by Lillian Luthor repeatedly this season, Lena still agrees to go into business with someone who admits they’re duplicitous & resents their kid’s choices too? I’m really worried that the series is going to use the fallout from this dumb decision to force Lena into villainy next season.

While (Green) Arrow & The Flash have been stretching their season’s Big Bads to the breaking point, Supergirl has the opposite problem of having too many major enemies (the Daxamites, the White Martians, Cadmus, & maybe even President Olivia Marsdin) in play as the season climaxes. Are they all going to wipe each other out while Supergirl eats potstickers? Or will each be anticlimacticly dispatched one remaining episode at a time? Since the writing has been as weak as season one (some would say even worse), I’m not holding out hope of of a satisfying finale.

Did Roma enchant Carrie Coon’s character on Fargo season three so she couldn’t be detected by electronic sensors just like the X-Men? Is she really a mutant in a stealth Legion crossover? Perhaps the series’ sci-fi subtext (next season better be aboard space-station Fargo in 2555!) is just a distraction from her being a supernatural vampire? The third episode (moral: Hollywood is a den of iniquity) should allay any doubts that Noah Hawley is the right person to adapt Kurt Vonnegut’s Cat’s Cradle.

Is it just me or are Alien Day & Star Wars Day crummy “holidays?” At least you get free comics on Free Comic Book Day. It also means a new Marvel movie is out! Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2 review coming up next!

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