Agents of SHIELD … IN SPACE!!!

Our long Inhumans nightmare is finally over (I still haven’t mustered the willpower to view its final four episodes.) because Agents of SHIELD is back! I’ve missed these spies! Thanks to Disney for mandating ABC renew it! The two-part season five premiere was so enjoyable that it opened with a Talking Heads music video! SPOILERS IN SPAAAACE!!!

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SHIELD Team Six (I can call them this now since Fitz was left behind) gets shanghaied into a Doctor Who story.  This is either a superior “The Beast Below” or an inferior “The Sun Makers.” Although most of the team hadn’t been to space before, the story itself didn’t feel fresh. That’s why Mack was MVP! His dialogue with Coulson was comedy gold. He’s also the most genre savvy, which helps mitigate much of the tropeyness.

The Lighthouse space station has plenty of Kree & sadly non-speaking Vrellnexians, but not much else in direct Marvel tie-ins aside from calling SHIELD worshipers True Believers. (Did you know Marvel Comics is a cult?) In addition to the Trawler painted in Boba Fett colors, creepy Kasius looks like Grand Admiral Thrawn for Star Wars synergy. I prefer it when the series highlights canon Marvel characters over made-up ones. If I can’t identify them from the comics, these randos will have an uphill battle to keep me interested. What excuse do they have to not devote an entire episode to Bessie the Hellcow?

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Xorn to star in The Gifted season 2!

At least they cast people from other show I like! The Expanse’s Julie Mao,  Florence Faivre, is the Phantasm-sphere wielding Sinara. The 100’s Eve Harlow is a space native this time. Pruitt Taylor Vince was briefly in Strangerer Things. (If Colm Feore wasn’t already King Laufey, he could be Phil Coulson’s evil twin, Bill Coulson.)

Living conditions aboard The Lighthouse are slightly worse than those aboard The Ark or Battlestar Galactica thanks to the problematic Renewal. Don’t give an old timey shotgun to crazed humans when your space station isn’t bulletproof. There are ways to induce humans to take care of their overpopulation for you without endangering valuable equipment.

This Kree monolith transported them more through time than space. I was half expecting to see Fitz on the Lighthouse in terrible really old man makeup. At first I thought the broken Earth was an Infinity War tie-in, but then I realized it’d be unrewarding for viewers if the central problem to be resolved in a movie none of the cast were involved in. It turns out Quake is the world breaker! (Star-Lord Deke rebuilding the Framework to have accurate news reports from a century past was dubious, especially if the Kree had destroyed all historical records.) It’s more plausible than when the showrunners’ brother tried to frame Colossus for Breakworld’s destruction. Perhaps she wrecks the planet during a catastrophic fight with Graviton?

Yo-Yo’s line about SPEAR is a reference to to SHIELD’s sister space agency, SWORD, from the comics.  It seems like Fox called dibs on it since it debuted in Astonishing X-Men first. That’d explain why its mention in Thor was cut. Or its inception will be the culmination of this season, where the MCU movies will promptly ignore it.

This was entertaining because of the cast’s chemistry despite the beats being a bit stale. (Simmons got separated from the team again?) It’s entirely possible things will become more flavorful once we move past “Orientation.” If SHIELD operates on an “even seasons are great; odd seasons are bland” pattern, can we consider Inhumans season five & this season six? I really want this to be good.

Dove Cameron was credited on Agents of SHIELD, but who was she? It’s a full season role apparently, so does that preclude her from guest starring as Sabrina the teenage witch in Riverdale season 2? (I’m glad Midge Klump wasn’t slain by the least effective serial killer in her debut. First arson now art: Is there anything Cheryl Blossom doesn’t excel at?) The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina TV show is slated for Netflix not The CW, so will Sabrina not appear on Riverdale at all? The show’s been hinting at how spooky Greendale is, so it’d be disappointing it didn’t finally feature her. Or will the shows be out of continuity to each other so there will be two new Sabrina Spellmans cast?

Unlike everyone else, I had a negative visceral reaction to the Avengers & Guardians of the Galaxy: Infinity War trailer. I hate Thanos’s stupid bald head & his stupid Josh Brolin voice! To think I was once excited by Thanos popping up at the end of The Avengers. It really killed the Crisis On Earth-X buzz I was enjoying. Does anybody else find it odd that Adam Warlock, one of whose major accomplishments is defeating Thanos, is officially in the MCU but won’t be involved in defeating Thanos?

When I first read the headline about Jude Law as Captain Marvel’s mentor, I imagined him as Mr. Tawky Tawny. I guess he’d be an okay Captain Mar-Vell too.

DC TV fall finales are happening, so perhaps they get written up next time? Happy is also starting. Or maybe I see The Shape Of Water? By the time I write something, The Gifted will be wrapping up. There’s too much media for me to repurpose into timely content! Next week will probably be long regardless of which topic(s) you decide I should pick!

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