Third Anniversary Of Underachievement!

Last week this blog had another anniversary! We’re now officially into year three! True to form, I’ve nothing to show for it. I still don’t have a new publisher to get The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose back into print. (Contact me if you’d like to buy one of the limited supply of signed author’s copies of the first edition I have left.) I don’t have a publisher for my second novel, which I’ve yet to complete, either. My priorities & ability to plan ahead remain out of order. Here’s an exclusive image of the scapegoat for my lack of success:

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There’s no mouse this catsquatch won’t trod upon with her GOAT feet in her quest to distract me.

I dropped my phone in Walmart surrounded by strangers & the back popped off. I literally exclaimed, “Oh no! That’s bad!” That’s kind of momentous, right? (Hopefully I’m not as doomed as Toys R Us or Barnes & Noble. The impending late stage capitalism collapse of two of my favorite industries totally isn’t filling me with any existential dread.) I haven’t seen Jessica Jones season two yet, but I have quasi-spoilery recaps for assorted network comic book shows below.

Congratulations to Agents Of SHIELD on making it to 100 episodes! It’s made colossal strides since its terrible first season! Since they didn’t file any officiant paperwork, does being head of a disavowed spy agency grant Phil Coulson any innate power to legally wed his underlings? Leopold & Jemma should both officially use Fitzsimmons as their surname now. The wedding aside, it was actually underwhelming considering how disarmingly exciting the ninety-ninth was. Surprise Patrick Warburton is the best kind! Agent Piper returned! Dove “not Netflix’s Sabrina Spellman” Cameron finally popped up as Ruby the bloodthirsty Quake fangirl who’s less annoying than Supergirl’s Ruby & may be the MCU Taskmaster. (If she’s not, can Taskmaster finally show up in Black Panther 2: Vibranium Boogaloo?) Deke “discount Star-Lord” Shaw being amazed by the present remains very adorable.

Gotham finally threw a bone to The Mystery of the Missing Moustache! I lost money betting Bruce Wayne would receive a trippy epiphany vision courtesy of Scarecrow not Poison “third time’s the charm” Ivy at the season’s start. Is this the first time this series has had any bats? Penguin ingeniously defeated The Joker with clowns’ only weakness: the power of mime! Lucius Fox took night classes to master jujitsu but doesn’t brag about unless it’s relevant! (Fortunately Gordon dis-enthralled him with the traditional remedy of blunt force trauma rather than his preferred bullets.) The series’ big twist is that Fox actually becomes Batman. Now can we get a recreation of this classic scene for season five?

Along with Zari’s fun riff on Groundhog Day, “No Country For Old Dads” may be the best episode of Legends Of Tomorrow’s third season. Dad Damien Darhk is damn delightful! How great was it that he sent the Leg-Ends on a wild goose chase for Atom to Grateful Dead concerts using the least desperate-sounding ransom video even though he doesn’t like jam bands? (Of course they didn’t know since he hadn’t filled out his Upswipz profile yet.) This show owes us at least one date between him & Cupid. Kid-Flash got to do stuff! Grodd squashed a guy too!

My hope that the final totem would be Eclipso’s Heart of Darkness diamond were dashed in one of the season’s worst episodes elevated by Axl the rat’s ghost. (Quality tends to alternate.) This series could really weave in more DC stuff while being budget Doctor Who. (Will we ever meet Scandal Savage & the Secret Six?) Now that they have a Time Bureau memory eraser, there’s no reason that can’t insta-win missions by blatantly using their powers & gadgets. Do you think they’ll try something next season besides magic artifact fetch quest against a team of villains from other shows?

Maybe I’ll have a review of the Tomb Raider movie reboot next week? I also need to compile an article disentangling how nonsensically convoluted (Green) Arrow has become this season so it doesn’t overwhelm my eventual joint CW finale reviews.

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