Ronan, I Accuse You!

Much like Gotham’s Azrael, there’s a good costume for Guardians of the Galaxy’s Ronan the Accuser hiding beneath a drab color scheme. His Captain Marvel prequel costume still isn’t green enough! Since I already had the GOTG version, I decided just to give that a full repaint as threatened instead of waiting to see if Hasbro would release a moderately greener one. (I haven’t seen one solicited yet, but it could be offered in a two-pack with Kree colors Carol Danvers.) Photos of the completed custom as well as mini-rants about Venom & Stilt-Man to follow!

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“I accuse you of aping my look!”

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“STOP! HAMMER TIME!”

Ronan couldn’t turn his head without his shoulder pads moving in tandem. I don’t care if if his cowl was always tucked under his shoulder pads in the movie. This looks dumb! For more than the cost of a regular Marvel Legends with a BAF part, Hasbro couldn’t figure out hinged pauldrons & a flexible rubber hood? It’s not as if they were even molded as a single piece.

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“Nobody gets in to see The Wizard!”

The first move was to pry the pauldrons out of the cowl. Then I filled in the gaps. The shoulder pads were glued onto his bicep armor. Depending upon the position of the arms, this either looks fine or unnatural. I’m just happy to have unrestricted head & shoulder movement.

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“That … is a lot of green.”

In repainting him, I noticed a lot of textures & details that were blurred out by the original dark monotone. I would’ve preferred his sleeves & trousers to be banded armor, but it’s acceptable. His costume gives the impression of religious vestments. His cowl evokes a British lawyer’s wig since being an Accuser is a Kree legal profession. You realize his Universal Weapon is just a giant gavel? (Though I’m still disappointed to have not seen an animated or live action mallet melee betwixt him & Thor.) He’s done up with metallic Christmas green (as seen on The Riddler, who now has a more accurate service revolver) & metallic festive green. With his colorization, he no longer looks like a nun from Earth. Now he looks like a nun from Oz. Either that or he’s a locust impersonator. I sculpted the chest insignia to work with the flow of his armor. Some images have it light green whilst others do the same dark green as his breastplate with a thin black outline, but I went solid black for maximum contrast.

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Whosoever holds this hammer, if they be worthy, shall possess the power of … RONAN!

Ronan’s face was repainted to match the comics too. Now it doesn’t look like someone drew a bikini on Lee Pace’s face whilst he was asleep. (His defining eyebrows remain cloaked.) I also repainted Proxima Midnight’s face to be more accurate to Fargo: Infinity War while I await Hasbro to release a comic book version. (I know she’s wed to Corvus Glaive, so how bad is it that I ship Proxima Midnight & Hela just because they’re both antlered Amazons?)

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Behold the all-new Ronan & the unworthy Accuser!

Now doesn’t this color change already make him more interesting? Putting him in black because it’s a typical bad guy color (except when good guys are trying to look cool) certainly didn’t do his character any favors. Gamora & Rocket Racoon didn’t get their green costumes either, so he still would’ve stood apart from his enemies. It couldn’t have been a practical necessity because I know Hollywood uses blue screens for special effects when there are green characters present. (There is no Mantis BAF comparison photo because I spent an ungodly sum on a were-pteranodon instead.) Hopefully Captain Marvel will have enough room to flesh out Ronan (& Korath the Pursuer) between introducing a new headliner, several new supporting characters, & the Kree-Skrull War. Irregardless, just remember that Ronan the Accuser would’ve eventually smashed Thanos’s head like a prune if the GOTG hadn’t thwarted him.

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Whack-A-Raccoon!

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Venom & the far superior Teen Titans Go! To The Movies were the last films to feature cameos by the recently departed Stan Lee during his lifetime. (There are a few more pre-filmed.) He had nothing to do with the creation of either, so this is either ironic or appropriate depending on who you ask.

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All the hosts in Venom wear layers of clothing between them & their symbiotes. Isn’t their appeal of symbiotes that their ooze glides directly all over the wearers’ flesh like a second skin, removing the need to ever wear normal clothes again? Yet Sony made a movie starring Tom Hardy, Michelle Williams, & Riz Ahmed where none of them even get shirtless? Even the 90’s Spider-Man cartoon got that past the censors (although Eddie Brock forfeited his nipples). Not only does their clothing not being shredded by tendrils beggar belief, this is not sexy. Unless you think of Venom as an AIDS metaphor, in which case practicing safe symbiote sex is a good message. I’m still just surprised at all the articles praising it for gay subtext that you to have to squint to find. Not to squick anyone’s squee, but the film doesn’t feel like a representation victory. The comics are way more subtextually homoerotic!

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If you show Stilt-Man’s armor in season one, somebody has to wear it in season three! Daredevil violated this storytelling rule! Stilt-Man hearkens back to the early days when Daredevil’s foe were inspired by risky activities (like Gladiator, Matador, & Leap-Frog) to make him live up to his name. (Even The Purple Man is Simon Says as a horror movie.) Stilt-Man is such a badass that even helicopters don’t bother trying to escape him! He walks through Paste Pot Pete’s fight with Ghost Rider as if that scene is beneath him! He should’ve killed Spidey when he had the chance! Verily Stilt-Man bestrides the world like a colossus!

As goofy as he seems in a universe full of superheroes, ironically Stilt-Man would work best in Netflix’s grounded Daredevil series. He could be quite effective if used for his intended purposes of robbing or sabotaging things that are above ground level. (The Joker once stole his shtick!) Daredevil doesn’t even have grappling hooks in his billy clubs, so just getting to his level would be a challenge. A guy in high-tech armor isn’t something Matt Murdock can just punch into submission. It’d be the opposite of his bread & butter hallway fights. Instead he’d have to rely on his heightened senses to target the components that power his armor. They could swap Wilbur Day with Turk Barrett since that even has Frank Miller precedence. (I’d also accept Lady Stilt-Man, although she works better as a legacy character.) Obviously you wouldn’t stretch this out for thirteen hours, but an episode or two could be a unique diversion. Or Coleen Wing could just cut him off at the legs with the focused totality of her telepathic powers, able to shatter mountains her chi-charged katana in his first scene.

It’s funny that Bullseye isn’t a laughing stock when you consider his gimmick is equally as absurd as Stilt-Man. The Master of Throwing Stuff boasts he can transform any object into a deadly weapon. It’s like he has superstrength but only if he’s pitching. That situational strength is transferred to whatever object he’s tossing so it has lethal impact regardless of conventional physics. He boasts of never missing, so he probably has superhuman vision & a mind that can instantly calculate improbable trajectories in mid-fracas too. Although he lacks a healing factor, somehow he doesn’t suffer from adamantium poisoning from his reinforced spine. Despite all these requisite powers, Marvel still insists he’s not a mutant.

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Attention aficionados of non-psychic mutant gorillas: Toni Maggio’s photo recaps of The 100 have moved to their own site! Now you have no reason to visit TV.com again. Whereas I sound like an ingrate whenever I critique Legends of Tomorrow, Toni is infectiously endearing. She also recaps other fine programs like The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, Game of Thrones, & Wynonna Earp!

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Who knows what next week’s blog will bring? Post some prompts below & it could be YOU! Don’t forget to subscribe to be notified of the answer to this & forthcoming weekly mysteries!

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