Hellboy Held Up, Avengers Eventually

Last week floated the question of whether I’d be reviewing the Hellboy reboot this week. The answer is … no. Sorry, everybody eagerly awaiting my review!

I both do & don’t want to see it. I really wanted Hellboy 3 by Guillermo del Toro starring Ron Perlman! Mike Mignola’s stark minimalism was almost diametrically opposed to del Toro’s lush maximalism but it worked! (I’ve heard gossip that Mignola being displeased with the movies diverging so much from the comics was a factor in nixing the third one.) I would’ve been fine seeing this one providing the trilogy had finished, but it didn’t. The monsters in the trailers (where Hellboy says he’s a Capricorn despite being a Libra in the comics) look nifty, but both general reviewers & Hellboy fans say it’s not good. I kind of feel bad skipping it since I’ll probably end up seeing the much worse looking Dark Phoenix in theaters. The original was released in April too, but I still think October would be a better fit (especially with all the competition this month). I was thinking about seeing it at a matinee, but the timing hasn’t worked out yet. Maybe I’ll get to it once it’s completely irrelevant?

So this almost late installment will mostly be about tangential Avengers tidbits that would’ve made my forthcoming review of the next movie even more long-winded.

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Unicorn Store is very good! Based on her actual birthday, director/star Brie Larson qualifies for The Umbrella Academy.

Unless the next movie contains a scene of her casually punching a litterer, this is the most underwhelming Captain Marvel statue ever. (It still less head-scratching than making this Starship Troopers statue too heavy!) Meanwhile there exists an unlicensed 12″ Captain Marvel action figure inspired by a Sideshow statue.

The Washington Post published a rubbish article absolving Nick Fury of not paging Captain Marvel sooner. (The Doylist explanation is that Marvel Studios didn’t have a firm plan for Captain Marvel: Marvel Edition in mind before making  the first two Avengers movies.) Not knowing the interstellar lag time for the Kreeper & Carol’s return, it’s the first option he should’ve tried instead of waiting to see if things became even more FUBAR. At worst, he’d have to apologize for distracting her. The article honestly posits that the awkwardness of explaining Ultron to Carol trumps asking her to thwart his extinction scheme. So the prequel makes Nick Fury retroactively an even worse tactician.

Even if you add in a scene of trying the Kreeper with no response as soon as The Tesseract was stolen, Fury’s Avengers Initiative isn’t a great fail-safe. Tony Stark was ostensibly only supposed to be a consultant. War Machine, the Iron Man with military & teamwork skills, wasn’t even asked. Since Bruce Banner was only drafted for his science, there was a contingency specifically to avoid the Hulk being unleashed in crisis. (The MCU was robbed of the Hulk undercover as Mechano the robot clown!) Hawkeye was immediately brainwashed. Fury had been briefed on his existence, but he had no clue Thor would arrive to aid them. Fury’s planned Avengers field team would’ve just been Captain America, Hawkeye, & Black Widow. Instead of holding teambuilding drills so they’d be prepared as a unit, SHIELD’s director waited until crisis struck to call them all together. It’s only through happenstance that the Avengers managed to assemble themselves & stop Loki. (Marvel Studios, quit saying Loki would never have done anything heinous without Thanos’s prompting. He wanted to destroy his own homeworld all by himself. Plus The Other was unconvincing as an intimidating torturer.)

Disney Plus’s Scarlet Witch & the Vision series is actually going to be named WandaVision? Seeing Red or Scarlet: Synthezoid & Sorceress would be more creative. Apparently the streaming service’s tight ampersand budget was allotted to Falcon & Winter Soldier. They went to all the trouble of giving Bucky the White Wolf moniker in Black Panther just to keep using the one given to him as a brainwashed assassin? (It’s a travesty that Nomad was the Captain America sidekick mindcontrolled into being nefarious cabal’s hitman first, but society only cares about Bucky.) Why not go for the almost NSFW portmanteau Flucky? Both Disney+ & DC Universe will have something titled Stargirl. The worst title, however, is High School Musical: The Musical: The Series.

Wasp

Ever the fit fashionista, Wasp eschews AbsBlocker outfits.

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The Gifted got cancelled. This fits the trend of everything nerdy dying in 2019! Although I was ambivalent about its second season, I would’ve liked to have seen them follow through on the cliffhanger. I’m going to miss Emma Dumont as Polaris. Disney really ought to keep her on for whatever its X-Men plans are.

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I’d forsworn Arrow save for crossovers (I missed Ricard-o Diaz finally getting killed), but I made an exception for Caity Lotz guest-starring on “Lost Canary.” Con: Shadow-Thief lacks shadow-phasing abilities. Pro: Sara Lance’s salmon ladder sequel! At last, the first & greatest Black Canary interacts with her worthiest successor, Dinah Drake. (They’re the kick-ass Capricorn Canaries.) Black Siren finally returns to Earth-2, where she’s promptly apprehended by Jesse Quick.

Each time Kevin Smith asks to direct Arrow, they turn him down & tell him he wouldn’t enjoy it anyway. So now he’s hoping The Flash wants to use Onomatopeia instead. (I don’t understand why Arrow wouldn’t have already snapped him up without Smith given Green Arrow’s rogues gallery.)

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Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s series finale, documentary, & musical special victory lap were pitch perfect. (I must note, however, that there have been several instances of characters breaking into elaborate musical numbers without Rebecca Bunch there to dissociatively hallucinate them.) If the penultimate episode was the finale, I still would’ve been satisfied. This was a most excellent show that I didn’t write about as much as it deserved because because others were already reviewing it better. It was like a stealth reboot of Ally McBeal except superior. “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is always great, but this week it was really spectacular!” is something I’ve thought basically every week it’s on.

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In honor of the big Marvel movie opening next week, I’ll be reviewing the final three episodes of Gotham!

Highlander: Endgame < Taylor Swift’s “Endgame” < Avengers: Endgame < Nygmobblepot endgame

6 thoughts on “Hellboy Held Up, Avengers Eventually

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