I’m disrupting your antiquated paradigm of paragraphs this week! It’s just going to be a string of loosely connected sentences about my pretty kitty & miscellaneous mousers that I couldn’t slip into earlier posts! (I specifically didn’t watch Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance or Carnival Row in preparation.) So it’s kind of like one of those articles collating reaction tweets except I didn’t get paid to generate my own.
It’s the lady of the house’s seventh birthday! She actually like some presents this year. Now I can’t get the scent of catnip out of my nostrils.
My cat sat on my legs whilst I was watching Disobedience. I told her “You better not ensnuggle me.” So she irronically jumped off after she licked herself & napped elsewhere.
Why are there so many cat food scraps on the carpet? Isn’t it literally someone’s job to gobble them up?
My cat’s not a meatloaf; she’s a sleeploaf.
My cat interrupted the “Cutie Pie” episode of Kim’s Convenience four times!
This cat has no sense of object permanence. If I walk upstairs she starts screaming that her butler spontaneously ceased to exist.
I planted cat grass on Wednesday & it was full grown on Sunday! True to form, she prefers spider plant. Then the whole patch promptly wilted.
“Simmering Legs” poem
When it’s bombogenesis time, my contrarian kitty doesn’t want to cuddle.
Felines judge boxes on their catpacity.
My cat’s summer pelt is too ticklish. Send help.
Four-Legs was bred to kill, but what happens when there are no more rodents to hunt?
My kitty has really hairy toes. Like a Hobbit she is. It’s about time somebody informed her about this.
The cat pounced at something on the floor & emitted a bloodcurdling shriek. It turned out her prey was … a kibble!
I was 15 minutes late with kitty’s brekky, & now she’s ready to disown me in a court of paw.
The furry lady of the house learned to scream “NOW” & “MERINGUE!”
Who is this impawster that’s eating from the bottom level of the kibble dish?
Felines invented a method of hunting where they lay on their backs & invite their prey to come to them.
cats DTP (down to purr)
The kitty took my paw & called me “servant!”
Witnesses can attest that this cat would indeed harm a fly.
What is the annual death toll attributed to loose Thundercats?
Lap-cats can be quite purrocious.
Briarpatch is a mini Josie & the Pussycats reunion!
My cat always has to be the big spoon.
Cats call beef “long mouse.”
It is a universal constant that excitable cats will only settle into naps the moment you’d like to move.
Sometimes I think my cat is nose-deaf.
Arguably all the fur on a cat’s forehead could be eyebrows.
The sword which denotes the rightful ruler of all felines is Excalipurr!
Every time my cat speaks to me it sounds like she’s saying “You’re the worst two-legger I’ve ever bent to my will!”
“We want a belly itcher, not a pitcher!” cats on baseball
The kitty mafia sent me a message by leaving a rabbit’s foot in my bed. Then they fell asleep on it.
Is there anything sadder than a cat jumping on you only to decide to depart rather than ensnuggle you?
Sulky cat slashed my tummy before my dinner because she was mad about her favorite table cloth being removed.
At least I have a kitty to continue my legacy of not contributing to society.
Kitty was chasing escaped kibble across the floor again. This time she picked it up in her paw & licked it, but it fell out of her ill-designed mouth. Twice!
When a cat ensnuggles you for a really long time then gets up & stares at you with half-closed eyes as if it’s your fault they’re so sleepy. Actually they were more like 7/8 closed eyes like she was pretending to sleep but didn’t trust me sitting next to her.
People who don’t have cats to warm their toes waste a lot of money on expensive socks.
How do cats find anything in their homes if they put their scent markers on everything?
Instead of exercising, my cat is going to knead my tummy until I get abs.
These realistic pet masks would add panache to my forthcoming career as a bank robber, yet first I’d need to rob a bank to afford one!
It’s getting to the point where I can’t fall asleep without a cat ensnuggling me, but she only wants to do so while I’m reading or watching movies.
The world’s furriest jailer has a degree in cuddletronics from Humboldt University.
Cats are exterminators that live with you full-time.
My cat promised me that if I’m a good familiar she’ll turn me into a cat too.
My precious fur dumpling got slobber all over the keyboard hunting a stink bug. I don’t know how she has any saliva left to clean herself.
“Take your drugs away from the dewback.”
I am my cat’s emotional support pet during storms.
Is your feline hooked on purrcocet?
The Encyclopedia of Cats Who Are Royalty would be a very long book.
I’m an antediluvian horror that can only be banished from this plane of reality by placing a warm kitty on his tosey-woesies.
I thought my night fury would enjoy HTTYD3, but she just slept through it.
Oh nuzzle, they say she’s quite a puzzle, purr purr Catzilla!
cat “Gimme treats.”
me “But treat time is in half an owl.”
cat “TREAT TIME HAS BEEN MOVED FORWARD.”
cat “Attend me!”
me “I’m too busy looking at strangers’ cats online.”
cat “Fetch me a moth!”
me “Last time you had moth, you vomitted across the house for half an hour. Have some of my steak instead.”
cat “Fie on your peasant food!”
I repainted Minn-Erva’s head to be more screen accurate (previously glimpsed here), although I’m still not sure about the underlying likeness. It’s a bit too small for the body whereas her hands are too large. Gemma Chan joins a whole bunch of folks with dual MCU roles as she’ll also be Sersi in The Eternals. Since Captain Marvel revealed she’d been to Earth previously, the film should do a scene of Minn-Erva meeting Sersi!
Buy this if you want a 1/6 Goose without Carol.
Judging by the four-day weekend box office, I take it re-releasing Spider-Man: Far From Home in the wake of the Spider-schism wasn’t a rousing success. I have been informed the version of Lobot Peter Parker refuses to sell to pay for a passport in the extended cut is the one he’d be least likely to own.
As the person who liked the last one, news of a Tomb Raider sequel written by Amy Jump pleases me. Now that it’s being directed by Ben Wheatley of High-Rise & Free Fire, I’m even more excited. (Jump & Wheatley are spouses & frequent collaborators, which makes this a no-brainer in backwards-vision.) Hopefully it’ll have some supernatural foes worthy of Lara Croft. It’s due in 2021, which should give Alicia Vikander enough time to get ABSolutely shredded again.
Will I put more effort into stringing things together more coherently next time? Or do you prefer when I’m less wordy?