It’s A Marvel Jubilee!

Marvel prominently celebrated it eightieth anniversary last year. I recall when Marvel only marked milestones counting back to 1961’s Fantastic Four #1 (with the pre-Marvel debut of Captain America being an asterisk). It seems when DC Comics was celebrating its eightieth anniversary of Batman, Marvel suddenly decided to start counting birthdays back to its Golden Age progenitors, Timely Publications & Atlas Comics. Is this revisionist history correcting an oversight or just a company refusing to let its top competitor have any promotional advantage? You decide, True Believers!

So what does this have to do with this week’s article meat? I just wanted a tangential segue to show off my Jubilee action figure. There’s also a new miscellany of unrelated Marvel musings. Let’s begin with the mootest points. Excelsior!

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Once I start writing X-Men, Jubes is officially stealing this catchphrase.

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Sony said attempts to mend the Spider-schism ship had sunk. Then that resolution was swiftly defenestrated as Spidey is back in the MCU again! They negotiated down to Disney only drinking 25% of Sony’s milkshake. I knew if I did nothing that the corporations would work something out! (This conspiracy theory is entirely plausible.) But how could we miss Spidey when he didn’t even go away? I was kind of looking forward to seeing how Sony could make a third movie without referencing anything MCU-specific (like his villains’ scavenged equipment) & whether anyone would actually stick to a Sony boycott. Meanwhile I’m still eagerly awaiting when Typhoid Mary & Bullseye will return.

Ben Mendelsohn claims the MCU could lose thirty superheroes without issue before Spider-Man. Yep, Spider-Man is such an indispensable pornstar to the MCU that he was shoehorned into Captain America: Civil War & then spent two solo movies as Iron Man Jr.

Kawaii Mayhem’s scratch-built Mysterio costume isn’t illusory!

Spider-Man is a filthy liar who lies.

Venom 2 will have symbiote pregnancy hijinks.

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Rhodey was right. It wouldn’t even be the darkest thing about Endgame. Since MCU Thanos wasn’t wearing his golden codpiece, why didn’t they just punch him in the nards until dead? You can buy an RC Thanos-Copter at Walgreens to make up for the MCU attempting to replace it with a boomerang sword. (This theory about Odin’s Infinity Gauntlet seems legit.)

Captain America is not apolitical! He eats bloody mashed potatoes like Baron Blood! This canon now.

How many nerds has Martin Scorsese’s eyebrow shoved into lockers? Scorsese is just mad Endgame rat is more popular than The Departed rat. You never hear the talking dog cottage industry complaining about Marvel ruining cinema. Marvel thespians not knowing what they’re filming, however, is troublesome.

Since his cameo in GOTG 2 was cut, will we see Nathan Fillion as Simon Williams/Wonder Man in WandaVision? We need him & Tigra to complete the Composite Avenger! (He’s not a Super-Adaptoid?) The Bachelor’s Ashley P cast as Bova.

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If Beta Ray Bill had a bison skull for a face he’d be Beta Ray Buffalo Bill. The Interwuzzle unanimously decided this is who Christian Bale is playing in Thor Fourever Love & Thunder. Is Taika Waititi now doing “find & replace” for whichever character they wanted Bale for with BRB?

Natalie Portman implies she’s lifting all the hammers to get jacked for becoming the new Thor. Since Jane Foster’s Thor was a brickhouse built like Brooke Ence (When will the Serpent Society make its MCU debut so we can get her or Gina Carano as Anaconda?), the petite Portman can use all the gym time she can get. Of course Foster was emaciated during chemo betwixt being the Goddess of Thunder. So are they going to eschew her cancer storyline, much like Tony Stark’s alcoholism, because it’s too depressing & complicated to address? Will they bring back the body transformation aspect of classic Thor to incorporate both extreme physiques? (They’ve already had effects practice from the first Captain America.) Since Thor’s divine powers aren’t linked to his hammer, how are they going to Asgardian her up anyway?

It’s ironic that Marvel Studios gets its casts swole then sticks them in costumes that conceal their muscles. (It’s the reverse of the 90’s Batman method.) What if Marvel Studios just gives them the super soldier serum & all their training is just spin so the world doesn’t realize it’s squandering a medical breakthrough?

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It’s intriguing that Ronda Rousey campaigned for Captain Marvel before Brie Larson (the superior choice) was announced considering they both have a mole under their left eye. Both want to play Metroid’s Samus Aran too. Are their moles psychically linked? Samus has another mole on her chin so both are disqualified.

The costumes for the Captain Marvel porn parody are almost professional grade … until the hideous helmet that’s an affront to life as we know it in the last scene. As expected, the commenters are convinced this lead is better than Brie despite only hearing her say one line.

Stealing cheese is a brie larceny, but Brie Larson always serves lewks. Even the mock-up of her Endgame suit looks sharp despite being inferior to the real deal. She brought her stunt doubles to accept an MTV Movie Award.

It’s a bummer her dream of being in Cats went unrealized. She wasn’t even cast in Library Cats: The Musical. That was her chance to become a Flerken since they probably won’t let her snatch up Tigra too. I’m still eagerly awaiting Ms. Larson’s Cats review. Meanwhile I must win this contest for the honor of my family.

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Why is New Jersey bedeviled by the Canadian Ninja Syndicate? The answer sounds like the setup for a Ms. Marvel/Riverdale crossover! According to a G. Willow Wilson tweet that has sadly gone missing, Jersey City lies along an international maple syrup trade route. Naftali narratively came out of nowhere. Shouldn’t we have met Kamala’s kosher lunch buddy before she disappeared?

It’s so weird that Civil War II is so absolutist on both sides of the precognitive crime argument, even in the tie-ins not written by Bendis. The anarchist heroes want to abolish it because of a flaw whereas the fascist villains (that were formerly heroes before this conrived crossover) want to keep using it exactly the same way despite the flaw. Why isn’t there a middle ground that wants to continue using pre-crime but modifying it so its flaws are reduced as much as possible? (This binary strawman scenario applies to most other cautionary sci-fi tales too.) If the main ethical issue is arresting people before they’ve decided to commit a crime, why not wait to catch them red handed instead of so far in advance? Attempted crimes, including conspiracy, are still crimes. It’d be like demanding DNA testing be banned because the results aren’t always accurate instead of calling for better lab testing standards.

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Although I already customized the BAF vampiress Jubilee, it turns out I couldn’t resist Habro’s official release of her classic costume. (Kudos to Naidat at GameStop for telling me which branch had one!) Why couldn’t they have released this one in the first place? I love how the colors pop on the new Jubilee figure! It’s like she’s dressed in Starbursts. I haven’t decided whether to add shading yet.

You can’t swap the head from the BAF well because the neck pegs are so different. They share less parts than expected. The neck joint is more visible than usual, especially from behind. My Jubilee’s bubblegum snapped of the first time I tilted her head down because the connection is so fragile. I kind of like her yelling expression without. Why are the sunglasses on her other head glued in place? Why does she come with two removable pairs for the bubblegum head? Why do both of her heads look so angry? Why doesn’t she come with any plasmoid effects pieces like her BAF? (Meanwhile Hasbro gave Boom-Boom effects parts but no sunglasses options.)

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“Quit pointing & admit I win at abs!”

Dark Phoenix was going to have the Hellfire Club, but Fox insisted on D’Bari?

Against my better judgment, Magik just got me hyped for The New Mutants.

How did David Bowie feel about X-Men 2099’s Halloween Jack being named after the lyrics to “Diamond Dogs?”

Roger Daltrey should’ve played Pyro in the movies. Throw in Grace Jones as Storm & Kylie Minogue as Dazzler so it’d be an X-Musical.

Krakoa is too weird for X-Men adaptations. Meanwhile Danny the Street is the breakout star of Doom Patrol!

Why isn’t there a Razzler to go with Dazzler?

I’m still not sold on the new X-Men status quo. If there’s always this dystopian futures with humans & mutants locked in war, maybe the best strategy isn’t to further distance mutantkind from humans. Shouldn’t the X-Men instead double down on outreach & integration so humans fear them less? At least get some PR teams to win over hearts & minds. Break down ideological barriers! If humans feel the need to upgrade themselves with powers to keep up with humans, the X-Men could try being supportive so long as they’re not butchering mutants for theirs. (The idea of X-Men being opposed to artificial mutations is weird given that many mutants, such as Beast, have been augmented. Why would they be fixated on genetic purity?) The Krakoan strategy of segregation reinforces an us/them mentality that’s obviously fuels interspecies conflict.

It would’ve been more intriguing if the timeline 1,000 years in the future was reverse with humans in zoos. Is mutant victory worth the price of atrocities performed along the way? Since humanity has a planned obsolescence, what is the value of keeping them around in a mutant dominant world? Maybe mutants would be more willing to be assimilated by the Phalanx since they’re the forefront of evolution. What does mutant civilization look like in the complete absence of humans? Once mutants are victorious, do they fragment into warring factions again?

If they don’t need Mr. Sinister to resurrect mutants via cloning since they have The Five, why hasn’t Xavier locked him up in the bowels of Krakoa like Sabretooth? He stole his X-gene (from Courier not Thunderbird), orchestrated the Morlock Massacre, has no medical ethics, doesn’t care about about humanity’s safety, & is a pathological traitor. Let somebody else run his DNA library.

Fun dad Cyclops overcompensating to his absentee kids is amusing in an out of character way. I wish he got some pushback to make it feel more organic, like if Rachel said she’d already been to the Shi’ar beach. (I can’t tell if characters acting off is supposed to hint at all their minds being rewriten during the resurrection process like Vulcan.) I hate that they got into a gratuitous fight before they thought of telepathically implanting Krakoan language into the Summoner.

Next time Xavier should be resurrected as just a head attached to a dozen fully grown human legs.

Hordeculture = what if Poison Ivy was Golden Girls

Pyro is going to regret that El Diablo face tattoo once he sobers up.

Scrooge McDuck v. Sebastian Shaw: Dawn of Capitalism

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Stream the critically acclaimed second season of Lodge 49 on Hulu starting January 13! I’ve just put more effort into advertising this than Hulu. It’s almost as if it & AMC don’t want Lodge 49 to have gangbusters posthumous ratings to justify a revival…

If you’re going to be at Long Beach Comics Expo this Saturday, some of the cast & crew will appropriately be there for a last hurrah with Pod 49. Say “hi” to the Lynxes for me!

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Next will be about the conclusion to The CW’s Crisis On Infinite Earths! Unless we exist in the DC multiverse that’s been eradicated.

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