Quarantined Cold Takes

I was kind of looking forward to finally seeing The New Mutants this weekend….  Now would be an opportunity to get back to writing my second novel, but the crisis has put a damper on my enthusiasm that. So I continue to squander my time. “FAILED NOVELIST” should be inscribed on my tombstone. I have a newfound respect for sequels now that I realized I otherwise have to do characterization & worldbuilding from scratch. After a really crummy run of things, however, my ex-Booktrope buddy Cain S. Latrani has a new novel published, Wonder Land: Black Ice. It even has a t-shirt!

I already freelance from home, so weirdly self-quarantine doesn’t feel much different to me than most people. This is probably to my benefit, but I still have great existential dread about the pestilence & a new fear of going to the grocery store. (Delivery is booked solid where I live.) Like many self-isolating, I’ve been watching copious amounts of television at home. I was already doing that, so it doesn’t feel like a treat or respite. Now they’re saying this behavior is “heroic,” but where was this encouragement before the pandemic? We may be cursed to live in interesting times, yet my life continues to be uninteresting to describe. I blog, therefore I am not.

So here’s a random smattering of television I’ve been watching. Get your cold takes! Maybe I ought to have saved some of these short reviews for later?

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If you’d like to get really mad about something besides the pandemic, watch There’s Something In The Water on Netflix. That’s the documentary it should be hyping instead of Tiger King! It’s about environmental racism in Nova Scotia. Season four of the ah-mah-zing Kim’s Convenience is now on Netflix US if, however, you’d prefer not to be ashamed of Canada!

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Oh sure, The Magic Ians can put on a musical heist for its penultimate episode, but it can’t include anyone named Ian. The title has only promised them for five seasons! At least it once blessed us with an episode featuring dragon pregnancy porn comics & literal Napster! Now that The Magic Ians is ended, I’m going to need to stop tweeting about its lack of magic Ians every week. What am I going to do with my life now? The finale was rushed, yet the conclusion was satisfying.

Margo often felt like the best live action Emma Frost. In addition to knife-trees, Fencicle of House Wahlburger now has hooves! Jade Tailor could play one of Rosa Diaz’s sisters. The excellently named Hale Appleman would be a great Morpheus in The Sandman show that is supposedly finally on track at Netflix instead of DC Universe or HBO Max.

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You season two has brainwashed me into thinking it’s normal to call people “OLD SPORT!” Surprisingly, the Penguin & Deathstroke are among the nicer folk Joe Goldberg meets in LA. I’ve never seen him & John Mayer together…

Your You character name is the last thing you ate/drank, and your occupation is selling the last thing you bought online.” My name is Tea & I sell shirts.

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A Series of Unfortunate Events is more Satanic than Sabrina! Now that I’ve seen his Count Olaf, NPH could be magnificent as The Monarch if anyone is crazy enough to make a live action The Venture Brothers movie. What if the Baudelaire fortune is literally small potatoes?

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I Am Not Okay With This, but I am more than okay with the wide array of expressions Sophia Lillis makes. The climax is mind-blowing!

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Unlike several recent adaptations (gestures to above), I did read Good Omens ahead of time! It’s a top-down stellar adaptation of Sir Terry Pratchett’s & Neil Gaiman’s novel. Get someone who looks at you like Aziraphale looks at Crowley when the latter saved the former’s books in WWII. I’m not sure if I liked the switcheroo added to the denouement, but it didn’t affect my overall enjoyment.

reading Good Omens: Aw, Crowley & Aziraphale are pals.

watching Good Omens: Aw, Crowley & Aziraphale are husbands.

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I bought the initial Locke & Key miniseries when it first released, but it didn’t enthuse me enough to collect the rest. After many fits & starts, it’s finally been adapted to television by Netflix. It feels mostly toothless. All the high school stuff needs to be cut! Sadly it occupies 3/4 of the show. Laysla De Oliveira is the standout as well-dwelling Echo (Ksenia Solo played the role in one of the earlier attempts), but they blow through the simmering ambiguity of her intentions in the first episode. There’s no effort to make Lovecraft Matheson not look exactly like Lunenburg where it was filmed, so why not officially change the setting to the UNESCO World Heritage Site?

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Unlike most dramadies, Mae Martin’s  Feel Good is legitimutantly humorous. I grok her sense of anhedonia. (She’s the niece of the Chatto who married the Queen’s niece, which means she could theoretically eventually inherit the British throne in the event of a Kind Hearts & Coronets or King Ralph scenario.) The only way the Blackpool episode could’ve been better is if it reopened the Doctor Who Museum. Since it’s airing weekly across the big blue wet thing, I got all all the juicy spoilers! What if all of Edward Nygma’s riddles were about weed?

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WARNING! Castlevania’s third season contains Dhampir piggyback rides! It’s like a Hammer movie if it had room for character development plus an unlimited budget. Striga’s raven pauldron is nifty. This series gets better every season. Will the next have a flashback showing how Godbrand transformed people into boats?

Not only are the eyes dreamily animated, Warren Ellis continues to write crackling dialogue! Trevor Belmont may be a basic bastard, but he says cats’ rights! I think we should be able to light fires by punching a fish! It’s topical! “I am extremely famous and they wanted to meet someone who’d seen toilet paper.”

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Kipo & The Age Of Wonderbeasts is kind of The Wizard of Oz combined with Kamandi but more creative than that makes it sound. The soundtrack is great. Unlike Kubo, Kipo has more than two strings. Even its imaginary merch is delightful!

Mutated animals are called “Mutes,” although most are specifically not mute. Kipo’s pet pig, Mandu, is an exception. The term Wonderbeasts is oddly never uttered. Watch Korean Intellectual Property Office & The Age Of Wonderbeasts on Caturday because it showcases majestic TimberCats like Molly Yarnchopper, Shoelace Mccutty, & Yumyan Hammerpaw! I appreciate that Scarlemange is Marvel supervillain Mandrill but fancier & taken seriously. He’s also voiced by Legion.

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Unlike my Black Lightning season 3 The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl reviews, I was not inspired to make images related to any of the series skimmed over. Here is another unrelated photo I had lying around that didn’t fit elsewhere. This one is an analog deepfake.

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I do have some blogs that focus on specific bingeable series in depth, but I’m unsure when I’ll be motivated to finish them up. Please keep checking back from the safety of your bunker!

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