The Official Kitty Blog Of 2020

After recapping two titanic televisual finales back-to-back, I took a longer than usual break to recharge from burnout. I finally changed the sharing call to action at the bottom of my posts so it’s no longer insensitive during this era. It took me way too long to figure out where that editing option was. A labor-intensive top secret custom has also been occupying my attention.  I could’ve written something about DC Fandome but it would’ve basically just said it had some nice trailers. Now I have compiled content worth regurgitating for you!

You might think I’d already done my yearly feline blog. That was about the global phenomenon Cats. (Now that she’s become a YouTubist, will Brie Larson finally share her thoughts on it?) This is about cats. If you’ve read prior installments, you’ll know these are a mix of personal anecdotes & random cat links with minimal organization.

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My little monster had her eighth birthday! The inflatable hat was very ill advised. It was poorly engineered in addition to it clashing with her Naturalist lifestyle.

Neighborhood fireworks frightened the monster so much she doesn’t even want demon nip on July 4. The air still reeks of cordite.

Since I don’t know if or when Barkskins will resume, I got Annie Prolux’s novel from the library. ‘Tis quite like a James Mitchner book. It turns out that, despite having plenty of material to work from, 90% of the TV series wasn’t in the book. I really wanted to learn more about Monsieur Claude Trepagny’s sky-table! Whilst reading Barkskins on a rocking chair, a black beast leapt onto my lap. I had to rub her tummy with one hand & hold the hefty hardback aloft with the other. This forced me to learn how to turn pages with my nose!

My cat threw up breakfast behind the litter box. That’s almost the right place! I’ve been recommending it over the carpet for years. She’s old enough to know how to clean up her own vomit by now yet doesn’t.

Pussy wouldn’t leap onto table for catnip flavor treats. I think they were making her too chill & lazy.

The cat learned how to request new shrimp treats outside of designated treat times, & she’s too cute to be refused! She’ll become even chonkier!

I watched three episodes of Last Week Tonight in a row, & the cat was so disgusted by humanity she threw up.

Boy brazenly attacked by cat in his own bed! Is nowhere safe from the feline menace?

Kittykins escaped whilst I was bringing in groceries & still extorted treats for not getting further than the stoop.

The Great Ensnuggler came to bed last night but then left a minute later. She had to go back downstairs before swiftly returning to my legs with her retrieved rubber-band.

The Meow Mafia left another rabbit’s foot on my bed. The message was clear: Next time you won’t be so lucky!

I went outside to read after checking the weather forecast was clear, so the cat made it drizzle with her mind. Once I was frightened back inside, she turned off the sky-water.

I blacked out & when I awoke there was a cat atop me that wasn’t there before. She had also blacked out.

The lady of the house used to be terrified of the cellar as a kitten, possibly because of all the ghosts there. Now she’s tied to trick me into sleeping there! She wants to cuddle there for at least two hours each morning during the height of summer. (“The Dog Days are cancelled!” Florence Welch) Is she possessed?

Cat ensnuggled me into a dream where I was at a dive bar in Pittsburgh eating canned owl meat. Earlier in this dream I got to meet Murphy Brown & tell Chris Meloni I enjoyed him in Happy! I miss eating canned owl meat. It was really savory.

Apparently the cat used my credit card to buy a cellphone so she could call her mom & sisters. She could’ve just borrowed mine. Does she remember her time in the alley with her family, or does she think she’s always lived in an ogre house?

After all the times I’d helped her whilst she was upchucking, the kitty sat & watched as I choked on a water chestnut she’d presumably hired to slay me.

My cat has the gravimetric powers of The Blob plus snuggliness.

My long distance sister keeps insisting my cat isn’t co-dependent. She doesn’t even go here!

I think my kitty was experience Rapid Tongue Movement whist snoring.

Cats can have little an English muffin as a treat.

I have no milk yet she must knead.

Yelp sounds like it should be a review site for pets to rate their people, so I’m kind of glad that doesn’t exist. “Wouldn’t obey simple commands. One paw.” She hurls untranslatable curses upon mine ears! Every day the kitty doesn’t tear out my jugular for insubordination is a blessing.

Maybe I should start declining invitations to belly rubs. The only party favors I receive are bites. My skin is as weak as my willpower. Meowlennials are killing the tummy rub industry.

My cat sent a deer assassin to kill me on the way back from the supermarket. Now I’ve got the full Rory Gilmore experience. I still made it home by standard supper time. She’s been awful sleepy since her hit on me failed. To get vengeance on the deer that broke my mirror, I ate a venison burger.

I am not koalafied to be my cat’s purrsonal trainer. She has mouse blood on her paws!

I accidentally made dinner so well the cat came back for seconds. “Human slave, what gives? Why does this food suck less than usual?”

My supurrvisor finds me singing “The Cat Is My Friend” song to be quite presumptuous. Cats’ love is conditional upon service.

I’m fairly certain I reside with the Aubrey Plaza of felines.

The medicinal properties of cats are astounding! Every time a purring cat leaps onto my lap, I realize there is no war in Ba Sing Se.

I have court-mandated daily playtime with my feline flatmate.

They’re making an action figure of my cat?

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Stargirl & The Umbrella Academy season two both featured cats in supporting roles. (I heard a rumor The Umbrella Academy action figures will be 1:12 scale.) I failed to mention this in both reviews. That may have been an oversight. Mine even watched the episode introducing Wildcat & The Wizard’s cat with me. The final Agents Of SHIELD season did not feature any notable cats so it was accurate not to mention them in this instance.

Cats asked to speak to the manger of humanity only to discover it was themselves! Do cats think humans are automatons? Bastet put humans on Earth just to serve cats. The first humans domesticated by cats must’ve been especially terrified of them. We must make an idol out of our fear & call it Kittykins.

All cats are Divine so their saliva is more potent against vampires than holy water.

How many Earth dollars should cats be paid during quarantine fro performing essential duties such as napping?

“Stray Mommy Cat Brings Her Sick Kitten to Hospital to Get Help”

Monstress #29 reveals shocking abuses to cats by humans!

The nekonomics of Nekopara are inequitable.

Cats With Threatening Auras has had its The Twitter account suspended for being too intimidating.

What is the exhaust from petting a cat called? Purrfumes

Wet cat food already looks regurgitated, which sets a bad precedent for those eating it.

Great eBay pic or greatest eBay pic?

Can felines be used as household luck batteries?

Vintage English cat snaps come from before colour was invented.

Mirror Master meow

Are you a meowcoholic?

“I have verified none of theses cookies are fit for feline consumption.”

This cat’s portrait needs a wider collar. No wonder it’s screaming. That’s why I hate The Folio Society’s Planet Of The Apes cover. It looks like a gorilla head stuck onto a human portrait rather than a formal gorilla portrait. No way its neck is so slender.

Cat wuv iguana!

Pearl the Thai watermelon guardian is mighty!

Remake American Psycho but the yuppies are all tuxedo cats.

Synchronized jaguar tummy tickles ought to be an Olympic event.

I like when cats sit upright in such a way that they look like they were squeezed out of a paint tube. Why my cat no sit like this?

Cat wall demonstrates herding is possible.

Kitty wants to touch fish.

Cat scale of emotions is accurate.

“Please Would You Look at this Cat Flomp-Jumping Over a Fence”

Veterinary textbook assures you cats will be victorious.

Anti-Manga Moggy makes room, whereas Manga Moggy breaks Fourth Wall!

salmon ladder kitty

“Honestly, what kind of kitten befriends a giraffe?” Those demons were banished from The Boiling Isles for a reason, after all.

Hello Kitty has no mouth.

Let them fight!

Allie on cake.

We do children a disservice by not teaching them how to talk to animals, yet this Brazillian girl teaches attentive cats how to draw a flower anyway.

“What’re You Eating Off The Floor?” game show should exist.

I’ve never had crab Rangoon, but I bought a box on recommendation from a cheetah cub. I feel they overhyped it.

cat credit card from The Bank of Bastet

Kitty camouflaged at vet.

“Bohemian Rhapsody” for kitties

Dinosaur Cat

Kittens with truncheons don’t attend luncheons.

“Being Words of Fine Advice From Blaze Achew Panda-monium, Cat Editor Extraordinaire, To the Divine Miss Kitty”

Tighten your Thundercats! Snarf is the only valid Thundercat because he has a tail. Lela Loren of the late Altered Carbon (Poe is THE BEST!) wants to be resleeved as Cheetara.

leapfrogging cats

This little kitty brings her human slippers. Mine is fired!

Stubborn clog refuses to leave drain.

Snitches get chin scritches.

Kittens play grab-tail.

Valkyrie the Maine Coon with giant ears is very adorbs.

“You lick yourself with that mouth?”

“The Sentry” by Alma Barkman

Cat Tracks

Tiger is unable to face that it’s hit the jackpot.

Tobeans Maguire

“True Facts: Cats’ Killer Senses”

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If you want a vision of the future, imagine The New Mutants being delayed … forever. I used to have an irrational fear of dying before I could see the Mysterio movie. Now I have a rational fear of dying before The New Mutants is released. Wait, it actually came out for realsies this time? Dare I risk my health to witness this trainwreck? Well it’s not playing in my state because it’s gotta be as cursed as possible. Are we certain it’s not still an elaborate hoax?

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