Why Can’t We Ban Star Wars?

The Star Wars is a pathway to much suffering that some may consider unnatural. Its fandom is in a weird place now. Despite making billions of dollars on its new films, Disney’s grand plan to continually spawn more movies appears to have been scuttled. Its Story Group was so preoccupied with streamlining all the continuity that it somehow failed to plan ahead to the trilogy’s culmination. So theoretically Star Wars is over. Meanwhile TV series like The Mandalorian & The Clone Wars spinoff (Being less disappointing on television is Star Trek’s angle!) plus comic books like The High Republic are still getting buzz. So Disney put all this effort into wiping the slate clean of the sprawling Expanded Universe, only to discovery that ancillary media evoking it was more acclaimed than its flagship offerings. Go figure!

As someone who experiences Star Wars primarily through film & action figures, I’m satisfied to shrug & let the it go at this point. I like to insist I enjoy Star Wars less than you while still meeting the minimum criteria for being a fan. “We can move on to other franchises now, everybody!” says the bloke who insisted on watching The New Mutants. I’d be less bothered about SW discourse if it didn’t continue being so obnoxiously overexposed. It’s been a really tough year to write weekly content for, however, so I’m still going to write about Ewoks! Who is your favorite Star Warrior & why is it Albrekh?

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Finally, an Ewok crack pipe! If this listing is removed, try this consolation Ewok bong. Transport them all in this padded Ewok pipe protector!

The forest moon of Endor is also named Endor just like the gas giant it orbits. So Endor is indeed the homeworld of the indomitable Ewoks that must be appeased lest they conquer us all.

Tokkat is the Ewok who most resembles my current kitty.

Who’s got as many Wickett t-shirts as thumbs? This dude!

While the Twitter account of Get Disney Prime is suspended, know that John Wickett & Snoke Dogs were most humorous. (How was I supposed to know to steal these images in advance?)

Hasbro Pulse randomly decided to a Fan First Friday on a Thursday without warning customers. Most products still sold out at warp speed. They’re rereleasing Ahsoka Tano with improved face printing which means it was pointless to include her on the Archive fan poll that ended the day after. I’m so mad famous hooded athlete Tim Teebo sold out on Pulse in under an hour! The one time I step away from the Internet during quarantine…

You have to buy a bunch of superfluous humans just to get Paploo in this SDCC Pulse Con exclusive set.

“What Is Yub Jub?” is a big hit on The Ewoxbury dance floor.

Asha the Ewok Amazon is Chief Chirpa’s daughter & older sister of Princess Kneessaa.

The hoodless Ewok should not be seen in public.

You ever get this feeling whilst antiquing? I found a Burger King glass with six Ewoks on it!

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The Empire turned on Palpatine once he tried to ban Death Sticks.

Ben Solo wanted to change his name to Rilo Kiley but misspelled it on the paperwork.

As if I couldn’t dislike Episode IX more, it has a secret Dengar cameo. I kind of prefer the axed Colin Trevorrow script? It’s not spectacular by any means, but at least it’s bad in novel ways. Plus it gives Finn & Rose worthwhile stuff to do. (John Boyega interview is accurate.) Bossk is a way better bounty hunter to cameo! (Why are the straps around his crotch so complicated?) I don’t understand why they axed it completely in favor of one co-written by one of the dastards responsible for BVS: DOJ. Why couldn’t the “Story Group” meld the better aspects of both drafts into something actually satisfying? Official sources can’t even agree whether it was the original Big Papa Sheev or a clone hooked up to a claw machine!

I though Rey still having Luke’s lightsaber was a continuity error since I didn’t notice the repair solder. They should’ve just had her wield the yellow staff lightsaber for the bulk of the film. It missed opportunity to finally put a scene of a Jedi creating their own lightsaber in a movie.

C-3PO has a red arm now because Mrs. Maisel stole one of his golden arms to be buried with!

Can we please stop saying Darth Vader was redeemed just because he killed Palpatine to protect Luke as if it negates all the atrocities he committed? He didn’t even want to destroy The Empire; he just wanted to be the only one abusing his son.

hand amputee crybabies

“Star Wars is not podracing.” Martin Scorsese

Porgs don’t waste food.

Give Tauntauns capitalization & lightsabers!

When people started immediately posting images of The Child, I presumed the twist would be that Ian Mandalore was actually a Yodaling underneath his helmet.

Baby Yodarita

Babu Frik song

I don’t understand this trilogy.

Why did Vader make select bounty hunters visit him for the Solo assignment instead of transmitting it to every bounty hunter in the galaxy?

The talking Boba Fett pizza cutter is the worst.

Rating Jabbas is wholesome & pure.

Did Garindan inspire the Space Jockey’s & Morpheus’s helmets?

General Grievous collection & thigh high General Grievous

I took schadenfreude in tweeters calling out #StarWarsDoBetter on May fourth.

Darth Vader is just Dr. Doom minus color.

Leia is twice a princess since she was the twin who lucked out in being adopted by Alderaan royalty, but did anyone call her brother Prince Luke after learning he was the son of the elected Queen of Naboo?

I’d rather watch a Black Mask prequel show than an Obi-Wan one even if it debuts Jar Jar’s beard .

Lando Lakes butter

surprise Top Chef & Star Wars crossover

me: We don’t need any more Star Wars.
also me: I require a solo movie for the Blacksmith Chimpanzee.

At first I thought Blacksmith Chimpanzee was just the latest malapropism for Benedict Cumberbatch. I learned his name is Albrekh. Reading YouTube comments finally paid off! This Symeong has thermometer ears! His official portrait, Wizard 52 by Louis Wiltshire, looks tres Cyberpunk.

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Lak Sivrak deserves a Black Series toy more than Constable Zuvio. (Now you can purchase just part of Constable Zuvio’s noggin! Two have already been sold!) They can reuse some of Lak Sivrak’s parts to produce Arleil Schous (He’s even more obscure!) & Voolvif Monn. #JusticeForLakSivrak

This is the most acidic film review disguised as a toy review.

It is crazy that the Black Series is supposed to be 6″ scale yet is smaller than the 6″ MCU which is shorter than 6″ comic Marvel Legends.You’d think Hasbro would just have one definition of 6″ scale. Its Overwatch line is somewhere on the short end of the spectrum, & Power Rangers is in the middle.

me: Zorii Bliss looks cool, but do I really need her?
also me: You could customize her into Firefly.
me: So now I need to buy two?
also me: Go rob a bank.
me: In this pandemic?

Shredder_ZoriiBliss

Music-hating dads don’t understand Daft Punk! Zorii needs a proud parent machine.

Zorii Bliss is a much better toy than character. Then I got Ranger Slayer, & suddenly Zorii Bliss became less cool. How come JJ Abrams could turn Felicity into a time travel alternate reality show but couldn’t give Zorii Bliss a jetpack? She’s got that Mandalorian vibe. At least the Walmart Black Widow’s fits her. (That’s a story for another blog.) There ought to at least be rocket thrusters in the rear of her helmet. I swear the design began as a spaceship.

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I scored a mint Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo for only $5! All her mauve reminds me of classic Psylocke, but the halo in her hair should’ve been a dead giveaway to her fate. Gray or brown shading would’ve made her look more screen accurate, but I really like purple like Launchpad McQuack. (Now I just need a Black Series Zam Wesell to complete the violet triumvirate!) I’m not that impressed with her softgoods robe as it keeps shifting out of adjusted position that’d show off her traps as in the film. While I already knew of Laura Dern’s great gams, I did find out Amilyn has abs. I prefer the gown pulled back over her head so she looks like a retro crimestress. Now that’s an entirely different Admiral of Vice!

ViceAdmiralHoldo

“Now that Jabba’s dunzo, I control The Spice!”

Star Wars & TMNT toys go great together! Naturally this Vice Admiral would roll with a posse of Triceratons! Prehistoric Road Trip with Emily Graslie is the best vacation a dinosaurologist can have whilst socially distancing.

According to Walmart’s site, Uncle Milton’s Xcavations Creature Crate Skulls are available at a bunch of local stores. I’ve never seen them though. Where do the usually hide them? Did series two or the full skeletons ever happen?

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Stay tuned for a red hot new custom next week?

4 thoughts on “Why Can’t We Ban Star Wars?

  1. jackgattanella says:

    This was hilarious.
    You should see The Mandalorian at some point though so you can see the delightfully uncanny sight of Werner Herzog go Full Herzog in front of a baby Yoda.

    Liked by 1 person

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