It’s The Most Marvelous Time Of The Year!

After last week’s commissioned deep dive into Stormfront the proverbial milkshake duck, I figured it’s time to clear out some of the Marvel content cluttering my drafts. I won’t be finished editing my X Of Swords review until nobody cares, so this is light on X-Men content. It does have a surfeit of pre-Christmas action figure photos if that’s your bag. (I will regret this if Santa only delivers coal this year.) After the MCU news musings not involving She-Hulk, my comic book thoughts are separated by superfluous tildes!

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“Now I have The Phoenix Force! Ho ho ho!”

I’m very pleased White Rabbit can ride Demogoblin’s glider. Too bad her weak knees got warped using its demonic power.

I appreciate how they went the extra mile for armored Daredevil with an all new sculpt aside from his hands & billy clubs. This time his unmasked Matt Murdock head isn’t a repaint of Hawkeye’s or even Cyclops’s! (Scott Summers could use this shirt.) It is slightly larger than his masked one though. This proves 90’s artists were too lazy to draw it aside from Scott McDaniel, not that it was a bad costume. I still get the sense that I was the only person truly excited for this release.

Negative Zone Spidey’s pizza looks like it’s made of Oreo.

Marvel Legends movie Venom exists solely to affix googly eyes to.

At Walmart I saw someone switched out the new Carnage for the previous one. It was quite an ingenious swap. They kept the weapons hand & Cletus heads. Maybe the swapper already had the Spidey Legends version so they didn’t lose the classic version altogether?

I’m gonna tell my kids this was Deadite Plastic Man.

I try to not buy simple repaints of toys I already own, but that “retro” Mysterio looked too damn slick! It’s ironically a more modern costume than the previous release. It’s somewhat misleading to release him on a card meant to evoke the animated series when this toy doesn’t replicate that design. Sadly his unhelmeted head is from the Multiple Man (it’s the most Gyllenhaal-ish) I still don’t have & doesn’t feature Quentin Beck’s bowl cut. I’m hoping for an animated Scorpion with two-tone green & a design on his mask.

Mysterio

EDITH glasses courtesy of Stark’s Scottish counterpart, Destro.

I’m disappointed Hasbro cheaped out on Mach-1 so you can’t see his eyes through the helmet like in the comics. It’s been likewise omitted from his box art.

Tony Stark’s head photoprinted wrong.

Hasbro is still not mixing in mutants in images of randomly composited characters.

Hasbro has been cranking out Marvel Legends at lightning speed lately. It used to take a quarter or longer for pre-orders to ship. Now they could arrive within a week of being solicited (if you’re on the West Coast)! I hope for the sake of their factory workers they’re not being made faster. It’s more likely Hasbro has been able to not reveal most waves until they’re ready to ship, which is still impressive secrecy.

If Marvel really wanted our money they’d make plushies of Bamf, Old Lace, Spider-Ham, Jeff the land shark, Devil Dinosaur, the Pet Avengers, & Ms. Marvel’s winged sloth!

Hot Toys Spider-Cat includes bonus Miles Morales, while unlicensed 1/6 Goose includes bonus Captain Marvel.

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Based on the competitive image they project, I didn’t realize that studios often consult with each other on in-development projects. David Sandberg explained this in a tweet about DC & Marvel that’s sadly been deleted. The craziest conspiracy reply remains though. I appreciate someone pointed out how BVSDOJ copied Iron Man 2 so I didn’t have to.

Bucky’s cheat meal is epic.

I’m impressed they actually cast a deaf Native American for Echo in Hawkeye. I’m also looking forward to Tony Dalton as Swordsman. Meanwhile the casting in Ms. Marvel may be less than ideal. In her TV series, Kamala Khan’s Inhuman powers ought to activate after she takes fish oil tablets.

Ant-Man should be a major player in Phase IV. Everyone is cuckoo for Kang the Conqueor in Ant-Man & the Wasp: Quantumania, but I just really want to see Whirlwind in this, okay? Cassie Lang got recast again.

Shang-Chi … & Razor Fist! Together they fight crime!

So the Ironheart TV series means we didn’t need two movies trying to make Peter Parker the new Tony Stark. I remain befuddled by the MCU’s decision to portray Spider-Man as bargain basement Iron Man. Uncle Ben didn’t die offscreen just to be usurped by a narcissistic arms dealer!

JK Simmons wanted the MCU J Jonah Jameson to have hair too.

Green Goblin should’ve had a mask that could emote, whereas Ultron’s face should always be fixed in a scream. Bryan Cranston should play Norman Osborn but only if he has comics accurate hair furrows.

When are we getting a movie where Spider-Man grows extra arms?

Jamie Foxx’s Electro is in the next Spider-Man 3? Lightning-starfish mask or GTFO! If Alfred Molina is playing the same Doc Ock, he’ll contribute a lot to the Sinister Six being drowned. (HISHE reminds me how much I disliked Spider-Man 2. It’s monstrously overrated!) Paul Giamatti charges headfirst through more windows as Lodge 49’s L. Marvin Metz than as Rhino in TASM2. Chekov’s Gun says if you show Mac Gargan in movie one, he must become Scorpion by movie three!

Rumors that everybody from past film continuities returning for the next Spider-Movie has led to the craziest fan theory: They’re doing a live action Into The Spider-Verse so Dr. Strange can trade the MCU’s Peter Parker to whichever universe the Fantastic Four are in rather than fixing his PR nightmare. That way Marvel Studios will no longer have to negotiate with Sony to use him further since his MCU arc won’t be open-ended. I’m not sure if that’s a more absurd way to reverse his identity being blown than selling his marriage to Mephisto.

Christian Bale can’t be Gorr the God Butcher in Thor: Love & Thunder! The Interwuzzle already decided he’s Beta Ray Bill! I didn’t even need to participate to get the ultimate beta male trending, so there may be hope for humanity after all.

Loki won at trailers.

News of the fourth cinematic iteration of the Fantastic Four instead of MCU X-Men was a downer no matter how expected.

All those announcements at Disney Investor Day yet nothing for Squirrel Girl? That’s not Doreen Green!

Coulson had Nick Fury’s needle gun in his office, & they never pointed it out? Sam Jackson should’ve been wielding this in the movies instead of generic firearms! Paxton Hall-Yoshida was on Agents Of SHIELD this season, but I didn’t realize it because he kept his shirt on.

This was the real MVP match-up of Marvel’s Dour Hallway Punch-Up!

TALK TO THE HAND … about their underwhelming ninja! Actually it’s Jeph Loeb’s fault.

The MCU replacing Charlie Cox with Madelaine Petsch is a controversial move, but I’ll allow it.

Hulu cancelled Helstrom & not a single damn was given!

Dino De Laurentiis wanted to make Ghost Rider & Man-Wolf films. I want a Man-Wolf movie more than Morbius! Venom did him dirty!

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Captain America is an injection jinx!

Christopher Yost’s plans for what could’ve been Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes season three are cool not to be used, aside from it ending on a gratuitous Avengers vs. X-Men arc.

Jonathan Hickman’s Avengers brutalize innocent Skrull refugees without any narrative blowback. So yeah, that’s an example of superheroes normalizing fascism without mind control or alternate realities. This is the guy who got tapped to be the new architect of X-Men. UGH.

Kurt Busiek had a nifty take on Unicorn he didn’t use.

I don’t understand why the Great Lakes Avengers were treated like a joke since they were way less dysfunctional than the West Coast Avengers when they debuted.

US Agent has no business telling Tigra she can’t eat vermin! (Was he added to West Coast Avengers just to showcase his suckitude?) Tigra told Squirrel Girl she can’t talk to cats, yet she talked to Griffin (whom sadly never appeared on Agents Of SHIELD despite two direct references & being Yo-Yo’s dad).

Hulk & Hawkeye should reimburse Iron Man.

Only the dead are mighty enough to resist Porcupine!

One of these days Batroc is going to kick Captain America is the head so hard he’s just not going to get up again.

It bothers me when the tunic stripe above & below Kang’s belt doesn’t match, which is more frequent than you’d expect. Crazy future fashion!

For the final issue of Machine Man‘s cover, Marvel just stopped caring about which characters it could use.

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 Cosmic Ghost Rider & Earth-X Daredevil are both alternate future motorcyclists who seemed like they would’ve been Deadpool before their real identities came out of left field.

I own two Ghost Rider shirts. Some days I feel this is an unsatisfactory integer.

Phil Sheldon jinxed Danny Ketch.

“Jack Russell’s the name, & always being ready to fuck up Dracula is my game!” Werewolf By Afternoon Delight

Mephisto trapped Thor in mylar like some comic collecting nerd!

Without looking at their weapons, it is impossible to distinguish Fandral the Dashing from Green Arrow.

Castor Gnawbarque III runs Beverton Inc out of a satellite shaped like his head.

Moondragon debuted as Madame MacEvil!

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Cap sees through Spidey’s ruse!

Spidey is a cheapstake cheapskate!

Stilt-Man is a menace!

Green Goblin is disgusted by Norman Osborn’s sweaty grimace.

The notorious image of Spider-Man getting a sand-enema comes from Amazing Spider-Man #215. Paste Pot Pete kneeing Namor in the face is more contentious even with powers nullified. How does Paste Pot Pete prevent his glue gun nozzles from clogging up after each spray?

The Chairman is Chris Nolan’s worst nightmare!

There are too many clone & AU Spider-Folk but not enough with eight limbs.

Spidey’s wedding dream feels prescient to the Covid-19 era.

My favorite wrestler is Triple J.

So that’s what The Daily Bugle’s publisher wear beneath his business attire!

“DESTROY ALL WALLCRAWLERS!”

Do you think Chameleon is flattered the Hellfire Club goons’ mask copied his face?

Remember in the cartoon when the Punisher was hunting Spidey but then Peter turned into a spider-mutant & Kraven had to save Frank’s bacon?

Morbius the Science Vampire sounds better than Morbius the Living Vampire.

Demogoblin’s shtick should be giving tutorials on how to goblin.

The Jackal & Mr. Sinister are The Superior Science Bros!

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Weapon X implanted retractable adamantium truncheons into mild-mannered Matt Murdock to transform him into Drum-Devil!

Rocket Raccoon’s lawyers seem familiar somehow, yet I can’t put my finger on it.

Matt Murdock was blinded by the same mutagen that created the TMNT, which begs the question why he didn’t gain turtle powers? Why didn’t they get Daredevil powers?

Who has the Marvel equivalent of Nightwing butt? Is it Daredevil or Nightcrawler?

Daredevil’s favorite food is Elektra Nachos.

Elektra would be more popular if her sais slid in & out of her forearms like Wolverine.

Wilson Fisk dresses like he should be golfing.

Typhoid Mary Marvel would’ve been a great Amalgam character.

MOON EMERGENCY!

Luckily Bullseye wasn’t named Tossmaster.

Does Namor’s Atlantean lawsuit show landlubber law is biased?

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“Your device for contacting Hell will blow up in your face, Victor. I don’t need radiation shielding for my spaceship though.”

Reed Richards not using government resources to add radiation shielding to his rocket just so he can beat the Soviets makes it worse. He keeps trespassing in strange realms without considering if the warlords residing there will be mad at Earth. Mr. Fantastic is the villain who never thinks about the consequences of his actions. Doom learned his lesson the first time but not Reed.

Doctor Doom threw the book at his college roommate! “You have been found guilty committing of crimes against Latveria, Richards! The sentence is DOOM!”

Rahul Kohli would rock a lead MCU role. On the other paw, Richards is THE WORST! Please get cast as a superhero who’s not a black hole of charisma instead.

I’ll nullify things ultimately!

Jack Kirby wasn’t always obsessed with hard angles? I miss The Thing’s edgy pineapple phase.

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I opted to temporarily spare you the companion DC Comics draft since you’ll be seeing double DC reviews within the fortnight. Brace yourselves for my Swamp Thing cold take & Wonder Woman 1984 hot take!

2 thoughts on “It’s The Most Marvelous Time Of The Year!

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