No Way Home For The Suicide Squad

People are freaking out about the trailer for the second third Spider-Man like it’s the second coming of The Snyder Cut. I’m not enthused by No Way Home, but I’ll write about it since that’s what the rabid public wants. By the time I publish this they’ll have moved on to something else. (I’ll be chagrined if it still gets more views than the Superman & Lois season one wrap-up.) Unlike reputable news outlets, punctuality is our #1 dream. That’s okay because I really wanted to talk more about The Suicide Squad. The new memes I’ve made since will surely be stale now too. SPOILERS for that underperforming movie leaving HBO Max soon & a trailer that you’ve probably had shoved in your face even if tried dodging it below! At least this one’s short.

~

Much to my dismay, the multiversal rumors surrounding Spider-Man: No Way Home are true. After finally emerging from Iron Man’s shadow, Peter Parker is being directly thrust under the shadow of earlier Spider-Men. The MCU couldn’t be bothered making its own versions of Green Goblin & Doctor Octopus so it just used Raimi’s for a watered down Into The Spider-Verse. It just reminds me I could be watching better Spidey movies. I say this as someone who loved Willem Dafoe’s & Alfred Molina’s performances. It’s not that these actors are also playing the same characters in the MCU like Triple J always being JK Simmons, which I would probably be okay with. They’re supposedly from the Raimi movies despite having had complete arcs capped off by definitive deaths. This is taking a huge shortcut to using Spidey’s top foes without building up to them organically. Even if the MCU’s GG & Doc Ock would’ve inferior, at least they’d be putting effort into doing something new to expand the mythos. Having Kathryn Hahn reprise Olivia Octavius in live action would be more creative. Bring back Paul Giamatti so he can crash through some windows in a Rhino suit this time!

It looks like this movie is going to be overstuffed. You could easily fill a single film about the consequences of Mysterio doxxing Peter without adding nostalgia wank. Everyone expects Matt Murdock to be Parker’s lawyer, but what if it’s Jennifer Walters? What if Daredevil is in it … played by Ben Affleck? There’d be a scene of Jon Favreau playing two different sidekicks! Peter could’ve just waited until after the spell was cast to tell Aunt May, MJ, & Ned his secret identity, especially since 2/3 found out by accident. Doctor Strange is not going to be Mephisto, you Ralph Bohner conspiracists!

~

TheSuicideSquad_society

“They experimented on children! Performing gruesome non-consenusal medical torture on just adults would’ve been fine though.” Rick Flag

Two-icide Squad shows Rick Flag became a liability to Amanda Waller because he was bonding with squaddies too much & making calls contrary to the mission. A deleted scene would’ve ruined that by making Waller pettily want Flag dead because he insulted her outfit. Not only is that out of character for both of them, it doesn’t make sense that she would send the second team to rescue him once she realized he’s alive. (I presume Flag was deployed with the first team so they wouldn’t realize they were decoys.) Peacemaker doesn’t seem to be under direct orders to kill Rick since their comms were still jammed. So this was a wise cut, unlike losing the bit with The Thinker’s supervillain monologue from the trailer.

How does Belle Reve get jurisdiction over metacriminals instead of regional super-maxes like Blackgate, Iron Heights, & Stryker’s Island? Did all of them get busted for crimes in Louisiana? Does Amanda Waller have to trade for them like Pokemon cards? Would Arkham Asylum only let her have Harley Quinn if she took the Calendar Man off their hands as well?

The Nathan Fillion Civilian Pavilion became temporarily real thanks to Task Force X!

All that hype, & we didn’t even see Peacemaker eat any empanadas? Empanada eating montage in this cryptid’s spinoff show or GTFO!

In addition to pulling an Abin Sur, Javelin also receives hunger.

Gunn keeps calling Bloodsport “Bloodshot” in this  interview. That’s not even a DC character!

If you want Bloodsport’s & Peacemaker’s main weapons, this customizer has you covered. If you’d like to replace the restrictive rubber shorts of King Shark with the cloth kind, this vendor has got your back.

If DC knows what’s good for it, it’ll swiftly add The Suicide Squad’s versions of Polka Dot Man & Ratcatcher 2 to mainline comics continuity.

Was the gigantic Abner’s mom in a yellow dress a Giganta reference?

Sebastian saved the Ant-Man & by extension the universe! Willard is a Hamlet-esque tragedy because he doesn’t love Ben like Ratcatcher 2 loves Sebastian. Show Cleo Cazo the rat map!

This listicle is wrong because Weasel is eminently huggable. The Cat In The Hat starring Weasel is more wholesome than the original.

Although Gunn wrote the script without knowledge of BOP, Jim Lee says Savant kills a canary to imply he was apprehended by Black Canary. Will this be addressed in the finally announced Black Canary movie?

Squaddies jazz up thrift art.

Corto Maltese cigars are of the Dr. Wesley Von Spears premium collection.

Starro

Ratcatcher2

~

Shang-Chi & LOT season six reviews are on the way in addition to more esoteric topics!

Advertisement

5 thoughts on “No Way Home For The Suicide Squad

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s