She-Hulk Teases Armageddon For The Flash & Rivervale!

The Flash & Riverdale have returned for five part crossover events as the prologues to the rest of their seasons resuming in March! Which will be least comprehensible this season? Meanwhile Disney+ just teased a bunch of Marvel series by making the trailers unavailable to viewers until they signed up for the service. (“You have to pay to see our commercials!” is next level advertising evil.)  Despite making an effort to promptly review Supergirl’s final season & Doom Patrol season three, all people wanted to read about this weekend (by a gargantuan margin) was my year-old She-Hulk blog. So I’ll over analyze thirty seconds of footage seen for hers & Ms. Marvel’s forthcoming series. This is another instance of me having to use almost all my tags in a single blog! There’s also going to abundant SPOILERS!

~

Coronavirus really through a spanner into The Beeboverse’s Post-Crisis crossover plans. It had to rely on Diggle for all its interconnectivity last season. Even if all the series aren’t ready to get back to the annual crossover yet, The Flash is going to host one itself. “Armageddon’s” guests are mostly from defunct shows. Black Lightning, Green Arrow II, & Sentinel’s series have all been cancelled. Legends Of Tomorrow is still going strong, but The Atom was unfortunately downsized. The outlier is Ryan Wilder, who still stars as Batwoman & has never met other superheroes before. It’s about time!

This ragtag team even gets to battle a classic Justice League foe! Unfortunately Despero without three eyes, magenta skin, & a noggin fin looks terrible. They’ve made Tony Curran look like Sheamus instead of hiring the real deal, who’d be good casting now that I recall his Rocksteady. (My blog about custom Bebop & Rocksteady also became very popular in Russia over the weekend for reasons more unknown than Shulkie.) Rather than saving it for the finale, Despero morphs back & forth into his much better looking real form. There’s no narrative reason for him to take on a human guise. If the CGI was too costly, couldn’t they have at least given him some prosthetics? Much like Madame Rogue, I would’ve expected Mirror Monarch to be Scottish way before this intergalactic conqueror.

Despero is more reasonable & heroic than usual. He’s trying to stop Barry from going evil & destroying the world in 2031. Surely this can be disproven by taking him to meet XS & Impulse in 2049? This will probably end up being Reverse-Flash’s fault, especially since it’s named for a crossover where the villain reveal was changed at the last minute.

While LOT may have run out of space for Ray, he’s more than welcome to become a full time co-star here. Brandon Routh is just so endearing! While they may have to downsize most of the supporting cast to afford him (Paying for double Danielles Panabaker is sheer extravagance!), it’d be a shame not to exploit this natural reservoir of charm. Atom shrinks Flash through a thrown taxi so Barry finds out how Dig feels.

Unless you count the hacker they freed as Ace, The Royal Flush Gang still doesn’t understand it requires a five person team of the same suite. They’ve been retconned as Central City’s first metacriminals whilst Barry was comatose. The Royal Flush Gang has come a long way since Arrow’s inaugural season! While they seem like they’ve been upgraded to be a threat complete with gambling patter, they actually just reinforce that Barry should only battle speedsters.

The Scarlet Showoff doesn’t even need his team giving him power pointers anymore. Not only do we see Barry doing CSI work again, Iris has levelled up The Central City Citizen. (Sue bought their building.) Now it looks somewhat less embarrassing that CatCo is getting its ass kicked by it. Allegra wears a nice striped green sweater as its new managing editor, but reporter scenes are still not the Beeboverse’s forte. Chester completely oversteps his bounds as Ray Palmer’s convention handler by springing strangers’ start-up pitches on him. Ray is able to turn this faux pas around in the end by starting an endowment in Chester’s late dad’s name. Stop giving us unrealistically wholesome expectations if tech moguls!

So are the superheroes going to form a Justice League by the finale or is it a strictly one one per episode deal? Hopefully this will be a return to form after the mostly terrible season seven. Of course I come into every season hopeful only to have my optimism ground into dirt by the end. Season eight ought to do a musical episode titled “Sweeney Grodd, The Gorilla Barber Of Fleet Street!”

~

Much like the superior LOT, Riverdale only took a month off betwixt seasons. Will it turn out this “Rivervale” event is merely a story Jughead wrote or a fever dream Archie & Betty share while convalescing post-explosion? Given Riverdale’s history of gaslighting, I wager the payoff to Sabrina Spellman visiting will be “Ha ha! Magic’s not real, ya dumb-dumbs!” (Why couldn’t CAOS be more like Kiki’s Delivery Service?)

Jughead the smarmy teleporting narrator establishes that these events are occurring in Rivervale not Riverdale. (Is confusingly replacing the d with v a nod to Welcome To Nightvale?) It seems basically the same except without last season’s bogus bomb cliffhanger. Gotta get in on that multiverse trend before Spider-Man No Way Home makes everyone sick of it! (Netflix is making a The Archies movie set in 1960’s India.)

The FBI now investigates deer murders. Orphan Black made a bed of money much sexier than Veginald. Does Dr. Curdle Jr. moonlight as a pediatrician in the main timeline too? While Archie tries to aggressively steal Cheryl’s maple thunder without apologizing for the town’s ancestral crimes, she single-handedly solves individual townsfolk’s ambiguously occult problems in exchange for favors. I knew Archie was being set up as soon as Jughead lost the flapjack eating competition to him. This was indeed a Wicker Man remake with Cheryl Blossom as Lord Summerisle & Archie its less virginal yet still infuriating Sgt. Howie. It would’ve been even more on point if it were a musical episode. The town sacrificed Archie to bring back its maple syrup, & there was much rejoicing!

This episode was both incredibly satisfying & frustrating. I want to keep watching the series where Cheryl cut out Archie’s heart. So the downside of the show finally embracing its horror vibe beyond Halloween episodes is knowing this is just an altverse tale that won’t matter once season six resumes in March. Now we have additional proof that Riverdale is not the best of all possible worlds.

broke: OMG Riverdale is cuckoo bananas!

woke: Who is your favorite Nancy Drew character, & why is it Kegstand? (Its fans are KegStans.)

Madelaine Petsch & Camila Mendes joined The Scooby Gang. No Lili Reinhart as Fred?

~

Nicole Maines cosplayed Nura Nal. Since she has the same star mole, is this meddling miserly food witch doing likewise?

Was there an alternate extended scene in Supergirl’s series finale wherein SuperCorp kissed? It’s possible that McGrath & Benoist just did a take where they kissed to break up the monotony without expecting it to ever be seen. Or is this just a very thorough hoax? The “leaked script page” was easy to fake, but fans would’ve had to put lots of Photoshop effort into the images. Shippers wouldn’t possibly gaslight the world like this. Imagine spontaneously getting “Supercorp kissed” to trend for hours so that multiple content-hungry outlets were compelled to report on it. Even Lex Luthor would weigh in! Anyway “The CW is pushing a gay agenda!” & “The CW is homophobic!” are both statements that can be true.

tired: SuperCorp kissed

wired: BrainMallah kissed

~

Now here’s the Disney+ Day speculation. Moon Knight looks fine aside from Oscar Isaac’s random British accent, although that could just be one of Marc Spector’s alters. I approve of Echo & Agatha: House Of Harkness in theory. I still can’t believe Disney made Maslany lie to The Sudbury Star. Who does that?

Jessica Jones She-Hulk

This could’ve been a cool transformation shot if Jessica’s tank top was lighter.

Seeing how scrawny She-Hulk looks in the teaser isn’t helping my anxiety about her show. How can we be sure it’s not Gamora? While I expect the video game graphics to be improved by the final release, there’s no weight behind her jump. What we’ve seen of She-Hulk so far makes her look like a human fitness model not a Gamma mutate. I’d respect it if this was the result of Tatiana Maslany’s workout regimen ala Alicia Vikander in Tomb Raider or Kumail Nanjiani in Eternals, but it’s just VFX. Surely just making an already buff lead taller & greener would be easier on non-unionized VFX teams during crunch-time than making a whole new body for her? If they’re not limited by the star’s physique like Lou Ferrigno, they can be much more ambitious with the anatomy. You may say that Shulkie has generally been lean & toned, but her physique has been a moving target as more reference for muscular women has become available. John Byrne’s art (Sensational She-Hulk #8 predicted the distracted boyfriend meme.) was inspired by the emerging 80’s female bodybuilders like Rachel McLish & Cory Everson, whom would be overshadowed if they debuted against modern FBBs. The popularity of women’s CrossFit further shows standards for what would be considered superhumanly muscular have shifted. I don’t think they need to make her as bulky as her controversial modern redesign, but surely there’s a middle ground that doesn’t rely on pigmentation for identification.

I don’t like the boring title card either. It looks like the Nip/Tuck logo. A forward slash does not equal a hyphen! Why didn’t they use the vibrantly colored logo that better reflects Jennifer Walters?

I was looking forward to Jameela Jamil trebling her muscle mass to portray Titania. While Jen can switch to her She-Hulk forms, Titania is permanently mogged. So it’s even more important for Jamil than Maslany to hit the weights. She’s already tall enough that she’d look imposing if she bulked up. Behind the scenes photos show neither got swole AF for their roles. Will she get minimal CGI muscles too, or will they cheap out for the “skinny lady is surprisingly superstrong” route? (Is anyone still impressed by that budgetary shortcut?) Has putting Hulk & Abomination in the show eaten up the effects budget for doing right by Titania? Of course if she does get a CGI body, it’ll be doubly as muscular as Jen’s. Not to clarify that she’s stronger but to reinforce she’s bad because she’s no longer conventionally feminine. Since he’s death-proof in the comics, however, they could extract Crusher Creel form Graviton’s orbital corpse to woo her.

We don’t know if Titania will wear her signature spiked purple leather ensemble either. Since the Disney+ action figure series has been low on villains (We still need Agatha Harkness, Batroc, Flag Smaher, Ravonna, & Infinity Ultron.), she may be snubbed even if she’s toyetic & steals the show. Can we please get both comics & MCU versions of Titania in Marvel Legends this year?

gray_She_Hulk

While this toy is too petite for the gray She-Hulk it’s supposed to represent, it’s a solid baseline build for regular lime Shulkie.

The official standee seems to confirm the rumor that Ms. Marvel won’t have her traditional powerset. Rather than physically stretching, a crystalline energy aura will extend from her ala X-Men’s Armor. How crazy is it that they’re changing Ms. Marvel’s powers when Doom Patrol just showed how badass going full Elasti-Woman is? Cartoons & video games have already acclimated the public to Kamala’s classic powers. Some claim it’s to avoid making Kamala Khan look bizarre, but her stretching powers are supposed to look weird. They’re an awkward puberty metaphor that lends itself to wacky comedy. Not only is One Piece mega-popular, but The CW pulled off Elongated Man on a smaller budget. I get the sense that Marvel wants the accursed Mr. Fantastic to be the MCU’s only stretchy hero. Well joke’s on them cause Reed’s not even heroic!

It’s not as if the MCU doesn’t already have multiple superheroes with duplicate abilities. Ms. Marvel also has size manipulation & shapeshifting so their powers aren’t identical. Changing her to make Reed look more special is peak intersectionality between racism & sexism. If Reed really is that great of a character it won’t matter that Kamala entered the MCU earlier with similar powers. If him debuting first was so vital to Marvel Studios, all they had to do was embargo Ms. Marvel until after its F4 movie premiered.I’d rather not have the Fantastic Four in the MCU if it comes at Ms. Marvel’s expense. The MCU doesn’t need the FF!

~

MOTU Revelation Part 2 is  next up.

Advertisement

6 thoughts on “She-Hulk Teases Armageddon For The Flash & Rivervale!

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s