Na Na Na Na Na … The Batman!

This January was even worse for me than usual, what with everything breaking behind the scenes. I’m glad to have survived into the latest Year Of The Tiger. I’m going to use my crummy start to the year as my excuse for missing a week after my Baron Zemo custom. I’ll rue this when I look back at 2022’s annual readership! Meanwhile my paranoid paean to God-Lyn suddenly did gangbusters during this break, so perhaps I should publish even less?

So to compensate, I’m dumping out a variety of Batman thoughts I’d been stockpiling. It’s a mess, but I streamlined it by saving the movie & cartoon bits for later. Note that these aren’t about The Batman, as I feel I’m the only person not enthused about that movie. (It’s not about the earlier cartoon either.) I don’t even plan on watching it in a cinema. I just really needed to put The Batman in the title out of SEO desperation. Maybe this way people will want to read this ramble in March.

The Batman is not gonna be as brilliant as Dan Pinto’s script from Ingrid Goes West. The Batman makes me miss Gotham. How can I already be nostalgic for something that only ended recently? An HBO Max TV show about the GCPD before the Batman & another about Penguin sound like they’ll be stretching the narrative pretty thin. If only there was some way to combine the two into something meaty…

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Idealistic me thinks Batman is too wealthy to succumb to graft. Cynical me knows only Lex Luthor can afford to buy off Batman. So it’s less that Bruce Wayne is above corruption & more like he’s in a higher bribe bracket than the 99%.

Take your parents out for a show at Crime Alley on Batman Day! All thieves must be brought to justice on Batman Day! Unless they dress like a catgirl dominatrix, in which case they can break as many laws as they like. If an orphan tries to steal your tires, they must atone by becoming your indentured sidekick forced to wear hand-me-down hot pants. ‘Tis a sham holiday cooked up the diseased mind of Bat-Mite!

Wouldn’t it make more sense for Martha Wayne to be a surgeon while Thomas Wayne ran Wayne Enterprises rather than him being a practicing surgeon who also owns a conglomerate?

Does Bruce Wayne get triggered when he watches the scene from Riverdale where Veronica tears off her necklace in the bathroom & the pearls bounce across the floor?

“The World’s Greatest Detective” sounds like an ironic nickname given Batman’s rogues are proud of their conspicuous gimmicks.

Yet Batman lives in Gotham City!

Batman fears the taste police.

Batman’s dramatic cape poses shows off how flexible he is.

Batmo Biel

Batman is a hoarder!

Albino Batman strikes fear into criminals’ hearts!

Batman poetry

Undertaker Batman has a wallet-chain.

Jeff Hurting is Bruce Wayne’s nom de plume.

Once the Batsignal is introduced, you can’t have stories of people insisting Batman is just an urban legend. Batman is the Justice League’s imaginary friend.

Just when you think Batman can’t get any worse  Wayne Enterprises isn’t eco-friendly.

Batman can’t punch puppies!

Brian Augustyn, author of Gotham By Gaslight among many other comics, passed away.

Batman looks cool because his costumes seem more suited to a supervillain than a superhero. Even when they try to design evil doppelgänger of him, most just look like they’re from his regular wardrobe.

So that’s what an anthropologist dreams of!

One-Punch Man should fight Batman.

Brutalia is the best S&M ship name.

Batman wants to saddle Superman.

Bruce Wayne is insufferable.

Utility belts are fanny packs.

Rob Liefeld once drew Batman without his utility belt for irony.

Batman used to wear disguises over his mask for dramatic undercover reveals. Maybe Bat-ears have spring release hinges? Bruce Wayne has too many Batfaces to choose from!

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Bruce Wayne has to wear a mask just to be 1/4 as handsome as Dr. Kirk Langstrom! His wife is also quite (flying) foxy! Sometimes they call her She-Bat instead of the better Woman-Bat. This look works for Harley Quinn too.

The early warning nominative determinism detector is incredibly helpful at profiling.

Gotham City Sirens are too heroic.

Catwoman does anti-looter patrols to keep everyone else from the loot she’s rubbed her scent on! You can always tell a theft was committed by Catwoman by the variety of cat hair left at the crime scene. Only she would be brazen enough to steal NFTs!

Although she’s essentially a heroine nowadays, Catwoman told some strays she steals property from ordinary people to express contempt at them working square jobs to afford things in 2019’s Catwoman Annual. This may be the most evil she’s been portrayed in decades. The Joëlle Jones relaunch has some great art, but her writing gets progressively lousier.

It’s been suggested McFarlane Toys could make Year One & The Long Halloween versions of Catwoman from the same mold in different colors. Rather than repaints, I’d like separate sculpts since they’re drawn with distinct body types. Tim Sale’s Catwoman may be compact but she’s solid muscle. Sale’s & Jim Balent’s Catwoman shouldn’t be the same figure with different heads for the same reason.

Dick Sprang’s covers of Simon Petrach as Batman reveal Ace the literal Bat-Hound is a good boy! Now that’s the Bat-variant McFarlane Toys needs to make! Give us Furry Catwoman too! Batman Annual #20  &  Catwoman Annual #1 also feature obscure altverse Furry Catwomen that’re unlikely to ever be produced since we can’t even get cinematic Cheetah.

Gotham City jobs are rarefied. 

Bring back Batman’s greatest foe, The Gong!

Batman’s foes dress like Mods because he’s a Rocker.

Missouri’s Gotham City text was a false alarm.

Has Batman considered that this Joker virus could just be a joke?

Why isn’t replacement Harley Quinn’s Punchline’s real name Judy?

Elderly Harley Quinn vs. Catwoman in Batman/Catwoman #5 is one of the worst things Tom King has written.

2022 will be a big year for Two-Face! Did you flip a double-headed coin to decide whether to celebrate Harvey Dent Day or Two-Face Day  on February 2? How dare DC Comics not acknowledge this holiday!

Two-Face’s unscarred head resembles Christian Bale?

Mr. Freeze was originally named Dr. Art Schivel so his icy destiny is not bound by nominative determinism. Of course Fries means frieze when translated from German anyway. His theme ought to be bas reliefs.

Whenever Mr. Freeze mentions Nora he says “MAI WIIIFE!”

Riddler is inadvertently inappropriate.

Robin is a decoy.

Batman used to dispose of his Robins personally.

Robin the Boy Wonder was named for Robin Hood not the bird, which is confusing as both are known for their red breasts. They refused to make him an archer because they wanted to leave something for Green Arrow a year later.

Batman was abusive to Dick Grayson?

Is Batman a bad dad?

Batman hates bees for stealing his sidekick.

Gargamel’s cat is named Azrael. He became replacement Batman for an extended period. Bruce Wayne was shocked to discover Orange Batman was biting the heads off Gotham City’s crimesters after the traditional batting them around stage.

Azrael_PoorFellow

This may be the most relatable DC’s answer to Moon Knight has ever been.

Poor Fellow is an assassin from a secret Knights Templar offshoot that’s not The Order Of St. Dumas. Why don’t The Knights Hospitaller or The Livonian Brotherhood of The Sword have an arcane assassin cult for a change?

It’s funny that once Poison Ivy became an eco-warrior, they basically dropped her fondness for luxury goods. She can’t have more than one interest, & Catwoman got dibs on all stolen riches! She can still like nice things & want to save the planet. Plus she’s just redistributing the items that already exist rather than supporting new ones. Doesn’t she deserve all the baubles for defending the biosphere? Likewise when writers frame her activism as heroic, all her negative traits are swept under the carpet to make everyone root for her. Then when they want her to be villainous again, all her good deeds go out the window. Although her mercurial nature is now part of her psych profile, why can’t writers serve up a nuanced Poison Ivy who both protects orphans & commits mass murder? It doesn’t have to be either or.

Stjepan Sejic created a corncopia of Poison Ivy.

Let Poison Ivy kill “cool” billionaires!

Poison Ivy & Mystique would be the best duo!

Bane accidentally created the Batmanarang.

Moths drink crocodile tears. Killer Croc thrashing Killer Moth is further proof of writers’ zoological ignorance! They should be pals!

There is no Killer Croc redemption arc DC won’t backtrack on!

Can DC use Brickbat now? He debuted in the same title as Plastic Man.

Visit thrilling Gotham City! If you’re lucky, you’ll only get mugged!

Condiment King is the Saucier of Sin! Does he wield batter-rangs? He got an officially licensed shirt via DC Fandome?

Penguin’s sidekick should’ve been Puffin not Chick! There is nothing that proves Cheetah’s apprentice, Kitten, couldn’t also be a version of Killer Moth’s daughter from Teen Titans cartoon. Human Flying Fish did surprisingly well for himself Post-Crisis.

Daimyo Penguin has penguin commandos wearing hats to carry his palanquin!

Kite-Man doesn’t need a tragic origin to be cool.

Since The Batman Who Laughs decided Judge Death’s & The Mouth Sauron’s helmets allowed for too much visibility, why aren’t there entire comics about this edgelord walking into walls & tripping over obvious obstacles?

“The DC universe is collapsing because of too much Batman over saturation, & the heroes must push back against editorials demand for more Batman” is the best encapsulation of Dark Knights: Death Metal.

~

Next week I’ll be throwing the book at The Book Of Boba Fett. When two books collide mid-air, they’ll generate book-antimater!

6 thoughts on “Na Na Na Na Na … The Batman!

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