Riverdale Is Unbelievable?

Riverdale has the cast Peacemaker most wants to frame for murder. Not only do I have the supernatural SPOILERS for its newest installment, I’ve also got a great Shazam 2 scoop! This blog is tardy because The CW punished me for prioritizing Killing Eve by not putting the latest Riverdale online until dawn.


Just like Shazam, Archie Andrews is no Matter-Eater Lad.

“Unbelievable,” the mid-season premiere of season six, picks up back in Riverdale. The sixth season began in the Rivervale parallel universe & gave us three blissfully Archie-free episodes. Since that was largely out of continuity to the main storyline & aired so soon after the fifth season, this may feel more like the true sixth season premiere. Will there be any magical bleed over from the hundredth episode into the much more mundane reality to spice it up?

Everyone survived the explosion at Archie’s house. They’re just wondering how. This episode is very upfront at how unbelievably weird it is they didn’t die. Mary Andrews thinks the ghost of Fred Andrews saved them. They weren’t unscathed though.

Jughead is debilitated by deafening tinnitus. Bingo has all of his legs broken, but regeneration kicks in to fix them. Archie’s body is becoming as dense as his mind with the side effect of invulnerability & superstrength. He better bust out his old Pureheart Halloween costume now that he’s literally #RiverdaleStrong. She doesn’t have SuperTeen powers, but Betty can see auras of evil-doers like the red aura of the original Rainbow Raider posing as an orderly. (Why does The Flash insist on bringing back comedy relief robber Sterling Brooks instead of him?) It’s hilarious even Bingo the seldom seen dog got legitimutant superpowers before Jughead. They’ll probably manifest later.

Veronica reaches out to Betty about getting vengeance on her dad in what seems like the first B&V team-up scene in years. Hiram is the FBI’s most wanted & Veronica puts an underworld hit on him. This wouldn’t have been necessary if they hadn’t moronically let Mr. Lodge go after he was in custody. As soon as Veronica changes her mind about the hit, her speedy assassin has already slain Hiram offscreen. That was easy! We haven’t seen a body yet, so he could still resurface. Now her angry half-sister, Hermosa, is putting a target on her.

Cheryl now fears the curse she invoked might’ve been related to the bombing. She’s angry Agatha Harkness Nana Rose tricked her into reciting it in a pique & then burnt the parchment so she couldn’t reverse it. As the audience surrogate, Britta asks Mistress Cheryl if magic is real now. “I believe a new age of wonderment is upon us.” If she did grant them superpowers, that’s the opposite of a curse. Abigail Blossom’s spirit possesses Britta to undermine Cheryl breaking the hex. Nana Rose then deviously banishes Abigail from Britta’s body into Cheryl’s.

Super-dense Archie inadvertently causes The Ghoulies to declare unlimited war on The Southside Serpents, much to Toni’s & Fangs’s chagrin. Kevin has to defer his Broadway dreams to care for their baby because nothing good ever comes his way. Glen, Betty’s FBI ex-boyfriend who is served a heaping platter of character assassination, gets trash bag-killed by the Trash Bag Killer for disrespecting Betty. Perceval Pickens, a possible descendant of genocidal town founder General Augustus Pickens, covets Archie’s enchanted house.

My wish came true! I’m so glad mainstream Riverdale finally jumped the magic shark! It only took 101 episodes! “Rivervale” turned out to be a Crisis On Infinite Earths reset event. Now they can do the weird stuff in continuity! Melodrama fans may think it’s scraping the barrel, but the series is finally embracing the anything goes nature of Archie Comics’ publishing history. Euphoria now sounds extra mundane in comparison. It’s rare that an adaption has a promising start, spins it wheels for four seasons adamantly refusing to expand, & then striking palladium in its sixth. My body is ready for the new age of wonderment!

It’s been three months since the previous episode, & I still haven’t found any Cheryl Blossom tribute videos scored to the songs of The Wicker Man! What do I not pay you vidders for? Music recordings existed last century too!


I don’t approve of The CW moving Riverdale to conflict with Killing Eve’s final season! Not that Killing Eve is superlative competition these days. It kinda feels like this season’s writers didn’t watch the last season finale. They just flushed all the ambiguity about whether Villanelle can grow beyond being a narcissistic psychopath. Is it going to do a flashback episode to the period detailing the relationship viewers were invested in? Or do they want fanfic to do all the heavy lifting of filling in the blanks? It feels like it has even less substance than ever before. It’s still dragging its feet on fulfilling the eponymous promise too. At this point Killing Eve should rip off The Prisoner & reveal that Eve was running The Twelve all along in the series finale.


Seasonal Shazam scheduling is screwy. The sequel being moved forward by months isn’t a problem as they would’ve had a final cut ready by December anyway. Sandberg is still shamed by Sivana’s hand. Dr. Thad Sivana & Julia Wicker from The Magic Ians have basically the same magic origin story.

Is Rachel Zegler’s character in Captain Marvel Shazam: Fury Of The Gods Wonder Girl, Hawkgirl, Tawky Tawny, or some rando? (I would’ve added a Zatanna option if The Twitter didn’t cap it at four.) The vox populi overwhelming voted for Tawky Tawny! This poll is legally binding! Sorry, fans of some rando. She may not have a ticket to The Oscars, but Zegler is officially a talking tiger in a tweed suit. Very special thanks to director David F. Sandberg for sharing a page from SHAZAM 2: Lightning Booglaoo’s script along with his ballot!


If you enjoyed last week’s MCU Falcon custom, perhaps you’ll return next time for my MOTUR repaint & rant?

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