I Love & Thunder Marvel Legends!

With 7/9 of Stranger Things season four out & Ms. Marvel just begun, let’s use this interlude for a gallery of my Thor: Love & Thunder toys. By which I mean I only bought Mighty Thor & King Valkyrie. If I’d timed it better, I could’ve published this on Natalie Portman’s birthday or at least to coincide with the new commercial. This blog should be somewhat less wordy than usual despite me theorizing about the film.

PadmeAmidala Mjolnir

“Whosoever holds this hammer, if they be worthy, shall possess the power of …THOR!”

Sif JaneFoster Valkyrie

Asgard dames get in formation!

Has Mjolnir grown more massive, or does Hasbro not understand scale? For some reason they made Jane’s hammerhead gray instead of silver. (I thought Mjolnir was stone for a long time thanks to early Toy Biz figures.) Luckily I’ve been known to push the paint around. I also filled in its fissures with metallic blue to make it crackle with electrified kintsugi. I borrowed the lightning from Magik.

JaneFoster Hela

“How is it even bigger now than before I squished it?”

I repainted the helmet since its plastic was too translucent & missing some of the red that makes it look akin to Ant-Man’s. Mine has a case of McFarlane side-eye, but I’m going to use the unhelmeted head more frequently anyway. Even though it’s photo-real printed, Foster is weirdly missing the mole on her left cheek. That’s throwing the Portman likeness off. (That & the blonde balayage.) It has the mole on her right cheek, so why not the left one as well? Padme Amidala got both. It’s not tough to fix with brown paint & a toothpick though. Unless she inexplicably doesn’t have the mole in this movie?

Despite Star Wars Black Series & MCU Marvel Legends both being 1:12 toylines of real people produced by the same company, Fosthor is about an inch taller than Padme. (For a character with umpteen costume changes, I’m surprised she’s only gotten one toy in this line so far. I’m still waiting on her battle damage arena costume with a Nexu. Although they’re neither as iconic nor colorful as other outfits, her goth gowns would be keen too.)

PadmeAmidala JaneFoster

“Do you even lift, sis?”

Since MCU Mjolnir doesn’t transform mortals into Deities, perhaps Jane just got into pumping iron betwixt movies? This headline is wrong! Verily the only thing that can unite humanity is buff Natalie Portman!

Natalie Portman lifted all the hammers to get swole for Dr. Jane Foster’s transformation into The Mighty Thor. Aside from a couple leaked snaps, there hasn’t been many fitspo photos or videos as you’d expect. After filming wrapped, she reverted to her previous petite physique in public appearances. This has led to some speculation that Natalifts Thortman’s gains might be digitally enhanced. Was her lack of photos because she’s just more private, or were they hiding the results of her workout regimen not being as astounding as required? Is this a Black Swan unsung body double situation? Or did she just wear prosthetic arms like evil robo Nate Heywood from the cruelly cancelled Legends Of Tomorrow? If she is VFX enhanced, at least they’re much better than poor She-Hulk’s! (Did they fix the trailer?) Now CGI is a factor in “natty or not?” debates for Natalie.

JaneFoster_Mjolnir

The hammer that made a Goddess out of Jane!

Or did she become so jacked they digitally toned down her bulk for fear of looking unfeminine? (It’d track with animators being made to slim down Shulkie.) Was she able to bulk up in such a short period thanks to the finest Hollywood grade steroids? Either way, she’s overshadowing Tessa Thompson’s more consistently jacked Valkyrie physique like God-Lyn did Teela. If Mighty Thor is buff Natalie Portman, does that make Valkyrie buff Tessa Thompson or is she just regular Tessa Thompson? (It’s an Annihilation reunion!)

Although it’s a drastic physical transformation for Portman, she still doesn’t look as yoked as an ideal She-Thor. (Brooke Ence expressed interest in the role but wasn’t asked because MCU Mjolnir doesn’t do a full Captain Marvel SHAZAM & she doesn’t have an Oscar yet.) Jane Foster needs a musical gun show montage! (Not to be confused with Jane’s other gun show.)

Sif JaneFoster

“This better not awaken anything within me.”

Now that I have a Jane Foster, I need a Marvel Legends Darcy Lewis even more. They could’ve put her in the next Disney+ assortment, but went with Sharon Carter instead. Karli Morgenthau the Flag Smasher would’ve been better. Agatha Harkness & Scarlet Scarab would’ve been cooler than all. It’ll still have more women than than Todd McFarlane claims will sell at retail, especially if the final figure is She-Hulk as everyone expects.

JaneFoster Ronan

Foster V. Ronan: Dawn Of Hammers

Valkyrie is now King of New Asgard. (Why does fiction keep defaulting to masculine when claiming to be gender neutral? It feels patriarchal to consider everyone honorary men without also extending equal human rights. There’s some genderless terms for ruler if they didn’t want to use queen.) Regardless of what she calls herself, third time’s the charm for Valkyrie action figures! Is her sword still named Dragonfang in the MCU?

Valkyrie

I’d double dip for a new sword-licking head.

Will King Valkyrie’s bride be Carol Danvers? They were in a movie without exchanging dialogue, which is more than some popular ships are based on. (Both are portrayed by Libras too.) I wouldn’t get your hopes up though. Give the people what they want: Valcarol/Marval! Has Kamala Khan written slashfic about them?

CaptainMarvel Valkyrie

Even when super articulated, getting toys to smooch is trickier than Spaceballs made it appear.

At this rate, I won’t have anything left to say when The Wages Of Cinema collaboreview of Thor 4 rolls around next month. Now I worry that I won’t find any stills to meme & should’ve saved some toy photos for that. Even my anxiety is nerdy!

5 thoughts on “I Love & Thunder Marvel Legends!

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