Season Six is Riverdale’s Magic Number!

Sayonara, San Diego! A new age of wonderment is upon us! Riverdale is now all aboard the cuckoo bananas supernatural train! This formerly listless show finally got onto some rails. They may be rails of coke but rails nonetheless. Huzzah for season 6(66)! Sometimes I think the cast deserves hazard pay for reciting their dialogue. The cruel premature cancellation of Legends Of Tomorrow inflicted so much psychic trauma upon me that Riverdale now fills me with excitement rather than ennui. (I’m a very disturbed individual.) Shun the nonbelievers that claim season six jumped the shark! Verily Riverdale finally blossomed into its ideal self. I’m extra mad at seasons four & five sucking so badly that they made viewers quit before this legitimutantly good season.

It’s kind of genius that all the mundane context for these characters was laid out well in advance of the spooky stuff. It’d have to vie for attention if it were horror from the outset. The supernatural storylines feel better less nonsensical than the supposedly realistic ones of seasons past. (I got “Twin Babies Levitating Over a Fire as Part of a Cult Ritual Led by Chad Michael Murray” in the “What Riverdale Subplot Are You?” quiz!) They’re better foreshadowed than the gobbledygook The Flash has been spewing lately too. Now that it’s genuinely supernatural, the kooky character motivations & loopy internal logic actually make more sense. Strap in cause I’ve got fifteen more episodes full of weird mysteries to synopsize. If you bailed earlier, you won’t believe the following are real SPOILERS & not me slowly dying from a gas leak!

Rivervale_Blossom

You may also substitute another favorite prematurely cancelled show of your choice. There’s no shortage.

Everyone plays multiple characters this season. The cast has expressed displeasure at being trapped in this steady paycheck for so long, so hopefully this has been a break from the monotony. Cole Sprouse & Madelaine Petsch take the lead with five characters.

Britta’s very nonplussed reaction to Nana Rose putting Abigail’s spirit into Cheryl’s body is the most realistic behavior ever glimpsed on this show. (It’s unclear how Cheryl is her identical direct descendant since Abigail appears to have been executed childless.) I call poppycock on Abigail using “wherefore” as a synonym for “where.” Toni doesn’t think pirate warlocks are real. As soon as Abigail sees Toni is the spitting image of Thomasina, she wisely prioritizes wifing her up after she slays the descendants of her executioners: Archie, Betty, & Jughead. 1/4 of season six is Cheryl/Abigail/Rosemary doing or attempting murders. It’s delightful.

Archie the Pureheart’s literal Kryptonite is palladium. Since it’s so rare, it oughtn’t be a big problem unless the Blossom mines suddenly flood the market. When the Trash Bag Killer uses it to render him powerless, Archie gets Bingo to push TBK through a wall before being dismembered. Bingo should be the show’s Eagly.

Betty is back to being a hypercompetent badass. Her ability to see negative auras is the least versatile power of the Riverdale Avengers. Not only is she unable to sense the hostile energy fields of anyone with the MAOA gene like TBK, Betty later sees her own red aura due to ingrained guilt. While her compatriots’ powers level up through the season, hers stays minimally helpful. I like her green check blazer though. (Is she also wearing serial killer jeans?)

Betty having flashbacks to her dad & accusing her mom of enabling him is just treading water. Alice is back to being The Worst. How did nobody follow up on a deputy investigating a lead being buried beneath their kitchen table for years?

Deaf Jughead gains the power of telepathy. He uses it to hear what people are going to say in their minds, which cancels out most of his disability representation. He sifts through memories as comics using the classic logos as s a novel visual for telepathy. (Rivervale’s senile Rosemary Blossom’s memories being dilapidated comics overseen by a white cat is a creepy touch.) Later this will be extroplated into him teleporting into personal mindspaces rather than just reading thoughts. Then it expands to teleporting between physical locations.

Veronica survives an assassination attempt at her dad’s funeral by the same assassin she hired, this time paid by her vengeful half-sister. (Will Hermosa only appear in phone calls from now on?) Her resolve to make her casino legit didn’t even last a full episode. She seemed like a honest businesswoman before, so going all aboard the scam train feels off. If the town council didn’t want a casino in Riverdale to begin with, how did Babylonium get built in the first place? Is a casino really a tourist attraction anymore now that there’s a dozen online gambling options?

Percival Pickens posses the power of persuasion. (Poor Chris O’Shea had the misfortune of being pitted against Chris Evans in The Best Chris tournament.) For once the Big Bad isn’t anybody’s relative. Nothing he wrote in his newspaper letter about Riverdale still being an awful town was wrong. His cynicism that citizens only support the less fortunate until it inconveniences them seems accurate too. Archie is an outlier in that he really is altruistic, tempered by him immediately wanting to use violence against anyone who disagrees with him.

While everyone else is having loopy adventures, Toni, Fangs, & Kevin are trapped in banal domestic drama. Toni finally wants The Southside Serpents to transform from a gang to an activist group but isn’t backed by Fangs. Deputy Kevin gets custody of baby Anthony during the gang war with the Ghoulies because Fangs kept an entire armory of guns in the baby’s room.

Kevin got invite to lunch with the Lodge ladies & immediately got kicked out with the camera crew because he’s the show’s Charlie Brown. The town punching bag later gets concussed by a mind-controlled hammer hobo. Then Percy seduces Kevin, which sounds fun in the short-term yet underscores how the universe is against Kevin making healthy life choices.

The Mommy Dearest-esque nightmare Penelope torturing Cheryl’s displaced spirit is perfect. Meanwhile Abigail sets out to kill Archie, Jughead, & Betty with arsenic laced scones, but Betty’s new powers sees through her sham generosity. Her using it to save Jughead is Betty’s powers at their most useful. Luckily for gluttonous Archie, his invulnerability also extends to poisons.

Abigail is so vexed the trio survived, she joins The Ghoulies. This is an unnecessary step to getting a makeover & lobbing Molotov cocktails at Archie. Punk Cheryl-Abigail automatically made the episode superior to Killing Eve’s series finale. It’s a disservice to the fine work of the wardrobe, hair, & makeup departments that this look was only given a fleeting glimpse. Those scant seconds were insufficient. Non-possessed Cheryl needs to rock this outfit in multiple episodes. Madelaine Petsch for Rachel Summers! She’s got great vampire fangs. After allying with The Ghoulies, Blossom’s body has been a member of all three of the town’s gangs. Abigail also had big puffy leg of mutton shoulder & latex dresses. This shirt looks like it was supposed to have nipple ornamentation but then they lowered it.

Abigail-CherylBlossom

“BORTLES!”

Abigail gets exorcised from Cheryl faster than anticipated. It involves Abby being burnt at the stake again. The Julian doll now houses Abigail’s soul so long as candles are lit. It got a new wig!

After slaying Rachel Summers closet cosplay last week, Cheryl Blossom is now Firestar. (If her hair turned green, she’d be Fire.) She discovers this by accidentally immolating Darius, the returning nurse she hired to monitor her extreme fever, in her sleep. I guess pyrokinesis is hot but it’s not as hot as being a Fuchsbau or Kitsune. Betty directly references her being a Phoenix, though I’d argue that the Phoenix Force is far beyond mere fire. After years of being a DC diva, she’s become a Marvel mistress. (Meanwhile Madelaine Petsch wears puffy sleeves to conceal her enormous biceps because she’s #RiverdaleStrong in real life.)

She misses Toni’s “Private Dancer” duet with Tabs. (Thankfully the ladies gyrating for strangers in bars aren’t high schoolers with mental health issues anymore.) Cheryl literally keeps Thornhill freezing to keep her pyrokinetic self from overheating. It’s unclear if Thornhill gets reintegrated into the town.

Pickens has been likened to The Stand’s Randall Flagg in interviews, & the penultimate episode shares that book’s title. He later opens a curiosity shop like in Needful Things & puts the town under the dome. Cheryl reads Firestarter upon becoming one. It inspires Veronica’s nutso finale gambit. Riverdale has essentially become Castle Rock. At what point is it legally required to pay Stephen King royalties?

Ethel is out there being a successful author! Josie got nominated for four Grammys, & Britta wrote pneumonic instead of mnemonic in her email. Sadly The Pussycats don’t appear this season because Ashleigh Murray got a lead role on Tom Swift, which The CW cancelled in its inaugural season at the end of Pride Month.

Archie isn’t the inspiring local hero Jughead insisted he be. Betty was the superior choice. Archie was even chagrined she picked her family over him as her anti-hypnosis anchor. Luckily Pickens caught her off guard so to learn how to publicly punch out Archiekins with palladium.

Did Tabitha Tate also attend Riverdale High? Since she was never shown interacting with the cast during their high school years, how old is she compared to them? Toni & Tabitha are bestie since they share alliterative initials. Tabitha is a better businesswoman than Veronica. Why is Toni suddenly unconcerned with Percival destroying Pop’s? Characters can’t be too consistent. Archie is too cowed to being beaten by Pickens to support Tabitha now.

Riverdale made us watch Jughead be mediocre for so long when it could’ve focused on Tabitha Tate swordfighting through time? She became chronokinetic just by being shot, which is the most mundane superpower origin this season. Abigail may have homaged her look, but Tabitha gets Rachel Summers’s underused original power to chronoskim back into ancestors whose name confusingly all begin with the same letter. (The core cast’s parents don’t jive with this town tradition.) She also gets a literal Guardian Angel, Rafael. As far as awkward yet well intentioned very special episodes about racism via time travel, it’s better than Doctor Who’s. She blackmailed J. Edgar Hoover into becoming an ally with a single phone call! She’s even a champion fencer! Tabitha drank a milkshake out of The Holy Grail! Seeing an Angel’s true form turned Sherif Pickens British! Tabitha foresees most of the possible future confrontations with Pickens will kill Jughead &  Riverdale itself!

The town is beset by a mysterious mist. It doesn’t contain any voracious extradimensional arthropods or vengeful ghost pirates. It just makes everyone’s electricity go out, which the townsfolk somehow think is a typical fog behavior. Several couples use this as an excuse to bone, which is presented as oddly less steamy than when the cast were portraying teenagers. Although they seemed like a complementary couple, Veggie splits up when they decide they’re just repeating their parents toxic dynamics. Is Reggie a power bottom?

Penelope Blossom has joined a Black Narcissus convent in the Himalayas. Like Moose’s dad, she implies she was homophobic to her daughter because of her own repression. Can we have a moratorium on homophobes being closeted homosexuals in fiction? Some people are just bigots without tragic backstories.

Once Kevin offers to share custody of the baby, Fangs fervently rebukes his olive branch for associating with Percival. Then he gets a scab job working for Percival to pay the legal fees he set in motion. Toni is forcing herself to marry him to have a stronger case for getting her child back when she ought to be kicking him to the curb. It’s amazing how fast Fogarty went from “helpful guy whose personality I couldn’t otherwise describe” to “thundering dumbass.”

Toni Topaz getting her own storylines independent of Cheryl last season was refreshing. This year it’s a bummer as she gets mired in a custody battle & opts to marry the babydaddy she doesn’t love to win it. She backtracks on reforming her biker gang. Enraged Toni punches Kevin with brass knuckles, which is less badass when you realize Kevin is the universe’s punching bag. Not only doesn’t she get supernatural powers, Toni doesn’t even sport her iconic pink hair!

The cast are undone by their egregiously overdue library books. New Mayor Percival Pickens wants to demolish the town library anyway, but it’s the principle of the thing! He doesn’t even want thousands of dollars in late fees, preferring to threaten them with felony theft charges. (Why didn’t the town library care about collecting fines all those years?) He takes personal items as collateral to use in sympathetic magic until they can return the exact out of print editions, which happen to all be in one Pennsylvania used book store. He even hexes Reggie despite him immediately surrendering the overdue book. This episode implies Toni is the only one with enough civic responsibility to return her library books on time. Be like Toni! They finally admitted that fake Ms. Grundy was sexually abusing Archie, & he got a free cello. Once their items are returned, Cheryl burns them to break Pickens’s magic link to them. Veronica holds out, so her kisses remain filled with black widow venom. She already inadvertently killed one lover, Heraldo, with it, so it’s not really a beneficial curse. (Neither she nor Cheryl face consequences for magically manslaughtering per-established bit players.) Pajiba’s fake episode review should’ve been for the previous episode.

Veronica now has Poison Ivy powers except based on spider venom not plant toxins. Her medical advisor is everyone’s favorite coroner, Dr. Curdle, Jr. Since she’s not a zombie, that may be a mistake. (Poor overworked guy, whom I keep forgetting is older than the former teens, is doing Dilton Doiley’s duties.) Veronica is under the misapprehension that a widow’s veil is equivalent to masking up. She’s delighted she can no longer get alcohol poisoning. In addition to nomming poison berries in a bubble bath,now she can even eat Smartfood whilst using Canva! Cheryl gives her one of her spider brooches to further note Ms. Lodge is riding her coattails. Now she can only safely kiss Archie because he’s invulnerable. Betty approves of this, which suggests they may finally be getting to polyamory. To celebrate & prevent a hostile casino takeover, Veronica covers the best Brittney Spears song in a Natasha Romanoff swimsuit special whilst tinted She-Hulk green. Ms. Lodge seems to enjoy the freedom being able to kill with her bodily secretions, which suggests she’s become a sociopath.

Jughead suggests that Archie could build-up a palladium immunity through exposure because Superman did, neglecting to mention that it was more like Earth’s Kryptonite was rendered inert through a freak chain reaction. Naturally the ginger lummox overdoes it & poisons himself into anemia. That’s why you try lead-lined clothes first. Cheryl makes up for her palladium infused soup by using an alchemical ritual to calcinate him back to invulnerability. Is he an honorary River Vixen now that’s he’s been forged in fire? Cheryl’s become a super helpful witch with an awful mom just like Lena Luthor except only explicitly sapphic.

Pickens made The Ghoulies commit suicide. He claims to have solved the town’s homeless problem by busing them somewhere else, but he really just compelled them to literally walk to Venice Beach. That doesn’t sound fun. He’s also super racist. So he reminds me of Eclipso without the overt malevolence. “Percival is all about control … & tweed.” He resents baby Anthony so much he said the Highlander thing!

Nana Rose is the #1 Choni shipper? Cheryl meets Heather after consulting the oracular 8-Ball & calling The Greendale Library on her lips landline. Choni shippers hate Heather the necromancer librarian on sight, but Cheryl choosing not to sabotage Toni’s current relationships for her own benefit demonstrates character growth. (Remember that Cheryl’s the one who arbitrarily dumped Toni seven years ago.) Some speculate Heather is the daughter of fake Mrs. Grundy even though the timeline probably doesn’t add up. Cheryl’s type is brunettes. Cheryl painted her & Heather like The Shining girls. Their ship name is Cheather, which should probably be pronounced almost like the cheese.

With Tabitha’s efforts to declared Pop’s a historic landmark to protect it from Pickens, she decides to dismantle & relocate it. The ghosts that are bound to watch the battle of good vs. evil there thwart the efforts of Archie’s union crew. So why can’t the ghosts also block bulldozers from destroying it in the first place? Tabitha convinces the spooks & the diner is rebuilt within the El Royale gym to safeguard it. They even transport the kitchen. Jughead gave himself the front page over moving the haunted diner.

Percival isn’t building a regular commuter railway but a supernatural ghost train to bring in his army of the dead when Bailey’s Comet returns. Is this going to be anti-public transit propaganda? Or is it going to be a way to bring back all the underwhelming dead villains? I’d rather see Midge return than Hiram.

Veronica cosplays Zatanna while delegating mindwipes to Jughead. Percival wears Jughead’s old beanie & jacket so he can sneak past his brain’s defenses & open his psychic receptors to everyone. That’s Jughead’s fault for forsaking his iconic helm in the first place. The hatless Jughead must not be seen in public!

Betty hosts a serial killer convention at the Babylonium like in The Sandman to draw out TBK. Much like me, Charles is disappointed American Psycho: The Musical (the book was written by Roberto Aquirre Sacasa) is being performed at SlaughterCon instead of Sweeney Todd. (He’s weirdly not back in prison after Betty gets Veronica to be a living dialysis machine for Charles’s septic blood. Does that count as a B &V team-up?) SlaughterCon isn’t as bonkers as you’d expect. Once again, they skimp on Dr. Curdle, Jr. content. (Nicolai Witschl still doesn’t get a guest star credit at the beginning?) Professor Pyg has a cameo. All the women do a song during Toni’s bachelorette party despite the musical specifically just being entertainment for the convention.

FBI Agent Gillian Drake, who acts more like a Mulder than the Scully actress she’s named for, is dismayed Betty has a boyfriend. Betty is into Agent Drake too? After Drake professes her love for Betty, she politely confirms that she & Archie are an exclusive couple.

There was a really awkward scene transition where it looked like they cut Betty’s musical number. Instead then jump to a flashback of it & then continue the song over the next later scene. Given the choice after the convention, Betty obviously kills TBK with her dad’s gun rather than murder her mom & brother with him. After all that build-up, this plotline ends with a shrug.

Cheryl regresses back to spiteful creep once Toni tells her she’s engaged to Fangs. There is no foreshadowing for a Choni reunion until this scene. She & Kevin use the stolen Malleus Maleficarum to curse their marriage. (The Malleus Maleficarum is the opposite of a magical tome. It’s specifically a guide for defending against & prosecuting witches.) Both immediately regret this once they find the cure may hurt baby Anthony to drive them apart for lack of specificity. Heather breaks the curse for them. No need to get magic involved; this marriage will fall apart all by itself.

Percival homages The Abominable Doctor Phibes while Betty reps Yikes Stripes Gum. Agent Cooper sends her FBI flunkies on a research fetch quest as if The Ten Plagues Of Egypt aren’t one of the most famous parts of one of the most popular religious texts. Archie carrying railroad ties to spare his striking construction crew (including Dr. Caitlin Snow’s botanist ex) is quite Christlike.

Cheryl has the right idea with being proactive towards Percival. Tabitha insists that preemptively winning the war betwixt good & evil would be bad … somehow. Since the rest of the group want to sit back while he does whatever he wills, Cheryl decides to immolate Percival herself as a wedding present to Toni. She is the most romantic arsonist! Unfortunately Pickens is able to redirect her pyrokinesis at Nana Rose. Luckily Heather has some excellent salve.

Kevin comes to his senses & drops his bid for custody of the baby. Toni still goes forward with marrying Fangs anyway? Kevin was pretty quick to betray Percival once Moose, whose extraordinary strength & durability are now overshadowed by Archie, strolled back into town. What a fair weather flunkie!

Veronica complains about being single & not living in NYC. So why doesn’t she just burn her father’s portrait to end her poison curse & move? Toni asks her to plan her wedding, which she still insists on having immediately. In the middle of the rehearsal dinner, she performs “The Ladies Who Lunch” as an ode to her singlehood to the befuddlement of all. Way to make everything about you, Ronnie! It’s intentionally cringey & a bit spoilery for the climax. Kevin as their wedding singer makes more sense, albeit further undermining what makes an annual musical episode special.

The Riverdale gals team up to trap Percival in magic stocks that render him powerless & lock him in The Babylonium’s vault. Now is when they should execute him, but they prioritized the wedding instead. Cheryl officiated Toni’s wedding just like Madelaine Petsch did for Vanessa Morgan’s real wedding. Like Radagast The Brown, Percivial is still able to talk to his locust friends who let him loose. (Did the stocks not work or did he coordinate that with the locusts lads in advance?) Then he kills the oldest living firstborn in town, the slightly scorched Rosemary Blossom, to activate his final curse. All the firstborn are struck down at the wedding because there are no Jews in Riverdale. This tragedy could’ve been averted by simple lamb’s blood on lintels! Jughead collapses despite also being a younger sibling of Charles. The curse being matrilineal would track with its curse’s failsafe being originally intended for Jews, but Veronica was spared when she & Hermosa have different moms. I suppose he was poisoned by the mystery burger. Wait, we’re not supposed to eat burgers that materialize in a grody sex bunker?

Not only did Riverdale take Juneteenth off, it also sat out July 3. That’s not even real Independence Day! Who’d want to miss this for fireworks anyway?

“The Witches Of Riverdale” is cuckoo bananas! Sabrina Spellman swung by to help the gals do necromancy. (It appears the firstborn curse was limited to the wedding party not the entire town.) She explains that she stopped being dead at the cost of Nick Scratch sacrificing himself. I’ll accept that retcon, although her just being an altverse Brina is more elegant. There’s Hell to pay for the series snubbing Salem a second time! (What’s up with Riverdale’s missing cats?) We were also robbed of seeing Sabrina & Betty sharing a broom on the way to the morgue.

Sabrina is unable to convince Jughead to return from The Sweet Hereafter in her classic comics attire, but he does agree to let Nick use his body for a bit. (Jughead is the author of Archie’s Mad House Glads, which contained the first appearance of Sabrina. She’s a year younger than Mothra!) That’s on brand for Brina! Veronica, Cheryl, & Tabitha don’t have any luck with their loved ones either since none of their souls want to leave their personalized Heavens. (Although speed indoctrinated as a witch, Betty can’t participate since Percy hexed her as The Whore Of Babylon. Heather doesn’t try either since she barely knows these stiffs.)

With the clock rapidly running down, Sabrina goes with her contingency plan of having Cheryl resurrect everyone simultaneously with the power of The Phoenix. CHERYL BLOSSOM HAS THE PHOENIX FORCE!!! It was lucky my cat wasn’t dozing on me because I leapt off the couch when Brina gave her the news. She could’ve led with that! Just as the souls start to reconsider staying in Heaven at Earth’s expense, Cheryl burns their three day old cadavers with blue flames to re-aliven them. This brings back Rosemary, Toni, Dagwood, Jughead, Archie, & Fangs. She can resurrect little a Jason & Polly as a treat. (Trevor Stines doesn’t get credited with the other guest stars even though he’s mute no more.) I’m relieved none are brain-eating zombies.

Being resurrected has restored psychic Jughead’s hearing. Baby Toni wasn’t slain by the firstborn curse because he’s immortal. Tabitha is the town’s Guardian Angel. Nothing about this is expounded upon. Veronica seeing Archie’s Heaven was a family with Betty stokes her romantic woes. Spellman skedaddles rather than further assist with their warlock woes.

Reggie’s conscience possessed his ventriloquist dummy & convinced him to betray Percival. It still advises him not to play fair. He’d rather stab Pickens in the neck with a stolen magic knife than execute traitorous Kevin. Can no one in this blighted burg commit to a heel turn?

Mayor Percival Pickens gives Alice his backstory in a gonzo TV interview. He was one of Rivervale’s founding fathers that sold his soul to Lou Cypher in exchange for immortality. Never dying is a great loophole to never paying off that Satanic debt. This warlock was returning to seek revenge on the town when he inadvertently stepped into Riverdale. Pop’s was corking the town’s Hellmouth (Now they gotta pay Buffy The Vampire Slayer royalties too!), which is why he needed the land for the ghost train. I knew they shouldn’t have interfered with the diner ghosts! Did he wind up in 1944 or time travel there from the present?

The “Rivervale” arc is relevant to the rest of the season! There was no clean break because Rivervale’s bunker Jughead called Riverdale Betty to warn her about the bomb. This caused supernatural seepage from one parallel universe to the next. Ethel is outraged at this bunker Jugvale’s cosmic cock-up. The SuperTeens by Rivervale’s Jughead is why select citizens have superpowers.

Bunker Jugvale snuck out to steal Jugdale’s horror stories only to discover he’d already been copying from him! Does it count as plagiarism if your’re ripping off your altverse self? At least comics author Jug is doing original material even if his downer endings are contractually mandated. Jugdale rudely refuses to sign Rivervale Britta’s comics. (Alan Moore can rest easy knowing that his reputation has been immortalized by a namedrop.)

Why does Pickens need a symbolic Harlot Of Babylon in stocks? Why designate Betty? We may never know! Undead Polly washing Betty’s feet is all it takes to remove her MAOI gene so she can enter Heaven. (Does this imply nobody with this gene can enter Heaven? That’s extremely problematic.) That’s a Biblical allusion!

Jughead rescues Kevin, Reggie, & Mr. Mantle from execution. Archie explodes the ghost train’s tracks so Pickens’s army of the dead can’t commute in. In retaliation, he guillotines Alice Cooper, Tom Keller, & Frank Andrews. This is spitefully counterproductive as they were his smiling stooges.

Percival compels Reggie, Jason, Abuelita Lodge, & patchwork reanimated Glen to unsuccessfully assassinate his foes. I’m surprised he didn’t find a way to bring back Hiram, Hal, or TBK. After being stabbed by a magic knife, Archie is saved by Bingo’s healing saliva. Does Riverdale now have a superpowered Sinister Six or does Bingo throw off the count? Why bother putting Glen back together when he could’ve just compelled Polly?

The writers didn’t want Betty going Ash on her big sis, but it’s fine to keep torturing Cheryl? She just thought zombieitis had caught up with him when he archery-ed Heather & her self-portrait. If Cheryl had just burnt Jason’s bow & knocked him out, he would’ve gone back to normal. JJ is murdered by his own kin again, just when he was finally given dialogue too!

Most of the gang’s stratagems fail. They can’t even high five post-arson! Since Baby Anthony is immortal, Toni has Tabitha age him up so he can fight Percival. He instantly teleports & seals Anthony inside the Babylonium. No getting beheaded to Queen for Percy! Anthony must be so glad they sacrificed his childhood for nothing. At least his mom gets to throw shurikens into Twyla Twist’s face!

After corking the Hellmouth in The Whyte Worm with The Holy Grail, Tabitha also has everyone reassemble Pop’s in its original location at hyperspeed. Archie doesn’t wear his season four Pureheart Halloween costume for the final battle? Pickens immobilizes them in a power-reversing fog after they take turns hitting him with a lead pipe. Betty’s powers sure were useless. Is Percival’s mace the Thanagarian one from LOT with a longer shaft?

When he walks inside Pop’s for a psychic duel with Jughead, Pickens unsuspectingly walks through a portal into Rivervale’s Pop’s. While he’s distracted in Jughead’s mind, the Rivervalians take turns stabbing him with a Megiddo dagger. (How is comatose Rivervale Rosemary able to participate in The Murder On The Orient Express-ing of Pickens?) As he bleeds out, Tabitha transports him back to before he made his deal for immortality. Lou Cypher says his infernal contract is still valid despite paradoxes & finally damns him. This is very confusing, but it gets results.

Dr. Curdle Jr. got a new jacket! He sews Alice’s, Frank’s, & Tom’s heads back on before Cheryl burns them back to life. With his dying breath, Percival curses Bailey’s comet to strike Riverdale instead of passing over it. He also put up a magical barrier to prevent anyone from leaving. Betty couldn’t even see the comet has a threatening aura!

Even if you’ve seen the movie its title originates from, speculating on “Night Of The Comet” in advance is a fool’s game. What if Bailey’s Comet destroys the planet & the final season is just Riverdalians chilling in The Sweet Hereafter? What if this technically doubles as its series finale, & Riverdale’s seventh season will actually be the eighth season of Legends Of Tomorrow?

This is an extinction level event, but everyone acts as if it only affects their town. Jughead convinces Tabitha to finally franchise Pop’s with Alexandra Cabot. Jabitha do a timebending date where they see their kids grow up, which undercuts the finality of the impending Deep Impact. Betty turns down an FBI promotion & agrees to marry Archie. He got the ring from Ronnie to make her extra lovelorn. Immortal Anthony gets tattooed instead of restored to his natural babyhood. Archie’s mom got gay divorced.

Abigail’s ghost says she’ll tell them how to thwart doomsday if she & Thomasina’s ghost can use Cheryl’s & Toni’s bodies for a night of fornication. Riverdale has the lesbian ghost sex. After the steamy Thabagail sexytimes, Toni disappoints Cheryl by saying it was just to save the town. Then Heather tells Cheryl she’s returning to Greendale since she foresees Choni is endgame. Not sure if that makes Cheryl feel better short-term.

Abigail tells Cheryl she might be able to melt the comet, but it’ll use up all of her Phoenix Force. Since that’s what’s keeping the resurrected alive, one or all ten of them could die again. A lot of knots have be untied to in magically summoned coil of rope to to destroy Percival’s barrier instead of wailing on it with a mace like a chump.

Veronica has the mad idea that she can enhance Cheryl’s odds of victory by giving her everyone’s powers. She insists that she can siphon out the others’ powers by making them do a blood siblings circle handshake because magic abilities are essentially the same as poisons. She doesn’t even need to touch their blood individually. (Bingo doesn’t participate.) Then Ronnie grants Cheryl their powers via a reverse-Rogue smooch that she insists isn’t queerbaiting. (Why not give the town’s Guardian Angel the Phoenix Force?) I sorta see the logistics of it, unlike whatever happened in the Superman & Lois season 2 climax. Somehow this works! She’s collecting all the kisses.

As the comet approaches, the ensemble spontaneously yet separately bursts into “The End Of The World.” It works better than most of Riverdale’s musical moments. Cheryl swaps her keen floral shirt with built-in gloves for a red leather trenchcoat so she looks even more like Famke Janssen’s Dark Phoenix or MCU Scarlet Witch. Cheryl “Bombshell” Blossom ends Bailey’s Comet’s entire career like a boss! She’s officially the season MVP (Most Valuable Petsch). I go feral for Mistress Cheryl!

In the aftermath, the world has been transformed into 1955. Surely there’s easier ways to get everyone into vintage looks? Only Jughead realizes this because he’s reunited with his coronet. The core cast are teenagers again too, which is extra hilarious after the season five timeskip. I was worried the finale would completely wipe out the fantastical elements, but the tease suggests that it at least won’t be a basic reset. Can Cheryl please keep all the superpowers in this new timeline?

This wasn’t a perfect season. There were still a fair share of plot holes & danglers, not that its storytelling has ever been beyond reproach. I’m willing to forgive most of its flaws, however, because it stopped being boring! We might’ve seen this iteration of Riverdale sooner if The Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina had been airing alongside it on The CW rather than being sequestered on Netflix. After pulling punches for years, it’s exhilarating to see the show just go gonzo with gusto. The key to Archie Comics’ longevity has been their malleability with reboots. (Was Archie the first shoujo manga? I finally read Archie by Mark Waid, which kinda sputters out after the drag race adds too much realistic drama.) This just proves the series should’ve been switching up its genres every season to fully encapsulate the reading experience.

Season seven will officially be Riverdale’s last. (Will there be any direct crossovers with the Jake Chang spinoff?) I want the final musical episode to be either The Wicker Man or Phantom Of The Paradise! “The Cult Of Dionysus” isn’t from either, but it works very well with Mistress Blossom.

If Playmates is going to keep making random yet lazy TMNT crossover sets to keep the license, they should do one for Riverdale. It may be the best way to get a Cheryl Blossom action figure. Unfortunately it’d probably snub her in favor of the damn Core Four! Can she at least get an American Girl Doll? I’m saving up for the deluxe edition with archery gear, red hooded coat, Southside Serpents jacket, & vixen self portrait!

Cheryl’s artwork was painted by Oksana Gaidasheva. Why can’t we buy prints of the vixen self-portrait? Hang it in The Louvre once the series ends! Just like Beebo, WB TV is sleeping on a merch goldmine with Cheryl!

Advertisement

3 thoughts on “Season Six is Riverdale’s Magic Number!

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s