Godzilla Vs. Kong: Dawn Of Kaiju Combat!

 There are only two kinds of people in the world: Are you Team Lizerd or Team Monke? A clash of Titans reunited The Wages Of Cinema for an unusually animated collaboreview! Godzilla was declared King Of The Monsters in the last movie. King Kong is just Kong in the Monsterverse so he’s gotta do a regicide to earn his title.

This movie is exactly what it says on the tin, so that should decide for you if it’s your bag. It’s the sort of movie where there both is & isn’t that much to write about. None of this rumble takes place in the jungle, but let’s burrow straight into the Pellucidar Skartaris Hollow Earth of Godzilla Vs. Kong SPOILERS!

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Does WandaVision Deserve Derision?

D+ means Disney used to have a higher average before absorbing Fox. Wand Division is the new math. WandaVision was supposed to be bumped it forward to 2020 to make a perfect 20/20 vision joke. Although it completed filming before the pandemic production pauses, unlike Falcon & Winter Soldier, it then got pushed back to its original 2021 slot so it wouldn’t compete with The Mandalorian’s second season. Viewers are supposed to be excited for bona fide Marvel Cinematic Universe characters appearing on a televison show instead of a movie, as if Phil Coulson, Peggy Carter, Nick Fury, Maria Hill, Sif, Jasper Sitwell, Edwin Jarvis, Gideon Malick, Dr. List, & the Howling Commandos didn’t already on Agents of SHIELD & Peggy Carter. Remember when SHIELD premiered & people were mad they’d have to watch one series on free network television to fully understand the Marvel movies they paid for? Now that there’s a bunch of more directly influential series that behind a subscription service paywall, fans are excited?

Marvel Studios’ movies are sometimes described as television in cinemas since they link to form a larger story. This time it could argued that MCU’s lucky thirteenth television series is a long movie split into weekly installments. (So are these Disney+ Marvel series going to be event series? I don’t feel like making new tags for them if they’re each one & done. So this’ll just get the standard “Avengers” & like it. If renewed, we can consider making unique tags.) SPOILER warning for nine episodes of the most popular television series of the moment. You really deserve a prize if you’d made it unspoiled this far.

WandaVision Wanda Maximoff defies her name by being a witch who doesn’t wield a wand. Her Zatanna cosplay was actually scarlet. Continue reading

Why Does Wonder Woman’s Cheetah Never Prosper?

The more I think about Wonder Woman 1984, the madder I get about it. It’s got so much sloppy writing that could’ve been fixed with another draft. Then it peppers in some great stuff that prevents me from outright writing it off. One of those was the live action debut of Cheetah, but even that could’ve been executed better. (Screen Junkies stole my alternate title!) I really shouldn’t have been surprised that the movie stumbled with Barbara Minerva when it’s precedent set by the comics & cartoons. There will be multimedia SPOILERS below because now I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time contemplating Cheetah.

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That She-Hulk blog got me hooked on tinting photos green!

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Riverdale Returns, But We Still Need To Save Swamp Thing!

When we last left Riverdale, nothing had been resolved! Its fifth season premiere doesn’t feel like one because it wasn’t intended be a season premiere. Last season was cut short by three episodes. This was titled “Climax,” but it doesn’t feel like one either. I wouldn’t even be writing this episode up by its lonesome if it weren’t blog tradition to use its popularity to bring attention to a better prematurely cancelled series. It hasn’t worked for Lodge 49 yet, but  I’m giving it another go nonetheless. Am I going to need to come back in a fortnight to recap what would’ve been the fourth season finale & then do what would’ve been season five’s premiere the week after? Let me know! SPOILERS for a soap opera that continues to make no damn sense but has much better production values than the daytime variety!

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CAOS Part 4 Is A Hellish Snore

WW84 was a Christmas present that filled me with ambivalence. Meanwhile The Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina Part 4 should’ve been out for Halloween! Here be SPOILERS for a final season that’s sinfully dull. It’s not a rousing way to ring in 2021. Maybe releasing it on New Year’s Eve 2020 was a fitting summation for the year? Why’d I even bother using the “horror” tag? Luckily I can throw in some recommendations for better witchcraft cartoons at the end.

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“But how do we ensure nobody likes Sabrina anymore?” CAOS writers’ room

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Wonder Woman 1984: Cheetahs Never Prosper

This movie is Wonder Woman 84, meaning I skipped the intervening eighty-two sequels since the original. In a controversial move, WB finally opted to simultaneously release it to cinemas & HBO Max (at no additional charge, unlike Mulan on Disney+) on Christmas day. At least its release wasn’t as postponed as The New Mutants. I watched it a movie theater because I believe the safety precautions taken by the cinema & myself are sufficient to outweigh the risk. If you think otherwise, Gal Gadon’t go because you can watch it from the safety of your home. So is Wonder Woman 1984 doubleplusgood or thoughtcrime? The Lasso of Truth compels me to unspool its SPOILERS in this collaboreview with The Wages of Cinema, reunited for the first time since Plan 9 From Star Wars!

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It’s The Most Marvelous Time Of The Year!

After last week’s commissioned deep dive into Stormfront the proverbial milkshake duck, I figured it’s time to clear out some of the Marvel content cluttering my drafts. I won’t be finished editing my X Of Swords review until nobody cares, so this is light on X-Men content. It does have a surfeit of pre-Christmas action figure photos if that’s your bag. (I will regret this if Santa only delivers coal this year.) After the MCU news musings not involving She-Hulk, my comic book thoughts are separated by superfluous tildes!

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“Now I have The Phoenix Force! Ho ho ho!”

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Amazon’s The Boys Wanna Fight…

Marvel finally confirmed Tatiana Maslany really is playing She-Hulk after two months of confusion, so I got this blog out in the nick of time! Maybe they’ll redesign Abomination to not look like Doomsday? I want less Zombie-Hulk, more Silurian-Hulk! I was expecting a confirmation that we’d finally get Tim Blake Nelson as The Leader instead. Now that this Disney Investor Day (the most banal marketing event name possible) tidbit is out of the way, we can move on to another cold take review.

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This review of The Boys comes to you courtesy of my new patron, Korey Hughes. Out of the blue, she informed me she was gifting me DVDs of the first two seasons because I don’t have Amazon Prime & she wanted to read my review of it. (I would’ve also accepted the latest seasons of The Expanse.) So this review was written for one person only. All other visitors can move along. Let this be a lesson to the rest of you: If you mail me free stuff, I will review it! This even applies to stuff you didn’t make!

Not only is this a big SPOILER alert for the first two seasons, I’ll also throw in a Content Warning! After three paragraphs of me making value judgements of source material I didn’t read, I finally start talking about the TV adaptation. There’s lots to ruminate upon in these sixteen episodes so it’s practically Love Sausage-sized! (Welcome Home, Brother Charles, exactly the wrong title for my brain to remember, beat it to the penile strangulation.) This time there won’t be any metallic lycanthropes to go with the gratuitous genitalia. Supe porn seems pretty tame compared to death by Popclaw’s snu-snu.

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Exhibit A-Train in inciting incidents.

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Project: Metalbeast Is A Feast!

I got wine drunk & called my family to let them know how succulent my Thanksgiving turkey turned out because I am an insufferable chef. The Princess of Purrsia kept screaming for some bird, & I told told her she could have as much as she wanted once it finished cooking in several hours. Then she only had a couple bites & walked off in disappointment. She interrupted many a cozy tryptophan coma afterwards. It wasn’t until day three that she put in a serious effort to help devour the poultry as it grew more putrid. Meanwhile I’ve been eating turkey every meal for four days, & my body is beginning to reject me.

I insist that this personal anecdote  tangentially segues into today’s topic. If you thought last week’s 300th blog on She-Hulk was a cold take, wait until you feast your eyes upon this week’s movie review! The Academy is a bunch of cowards too intimidated by Project: Metalbeast to give it the awards it deserved! This direct-to-video gem could become a Thanksgiving staple just like The Lair Of The White Worm has become for Easter! Why isn’t it Metal-Beast or at least MetalBeast?

I first learned of this motion picture from reading the comments for a werewolf action figure Kickstarter. There’s a dim memory that it was also at my local video store, but perhaps I’m just now retroactively imagining it since it’s the kind of movie that would’ve been there. I watched it on Tubi (also home to Russian were-bears), but supposedly it’s free on Amazon as well. Now, without further ado, here’s SPOILERS for a movie from 1995!

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Finally, a meme people can relate to!

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The New Mutants Finally Escaped Limbo!

The New Mutants was originally going to be released on April 13, 2018. It’s been delayed four times! Postponing this movie is the key part of a spell to cancel the Apocalypse. I guess we’re screwed now.

This being a costume-free teen-horror did not excite me, but recent unveilings of Magik & the Demon Bear made me question if it might actually be worthwhile. I was planning on seeing it at matinee prices even before all the creative drama unspooled, which make me question whether that’s too too high a cost. Except Newest Jersey hadn’t reopened its theaters the week before its release like most states. Unfortunately I still feel compelled to witness this trainwreck. At least it should be easier to dodge online spoilers? (If you’re not interested in a preamble about difficulties in viewing this film, skip past the jump.)

The crux of the problem appears to be people risking infection when they remove their masks for refreshments. (I’ve worn my mask & latex gloves indoors for multiple hours & don’t partake of movie snacks, so this felt like a risk I could manage. I’d much prefer to risk my life for Wonder Woman 1984 or Black Widow though. Maybe I should’ve applied this effort to Bill & Ted Face the Music instead?) It seems the easy solution would be to keep theater concessions closed during this period so there would be less temptation for guests to remove their masks. Of course this wouldn’t prevent patrons from sneaking in their own snacks or ensure they won’t remove their masks in theater anyway, but it’d help. Naturally theaters want to keep concessions open since that’s how they make profit, but it’s not helping their cases in states where indoor theaters are still barred from reopening. The “we’d rather make no money than less money” stance is baffling since they’ve already lost months of revenue.

Disney wouldn’t even provide screeners to paid reviewers! While it would’ve been the more hygienic move, I’m somewhat glad contractual obligations precluded Disney from dumping this on Hulu or Disney+. (If they’re going to upsell the Mulan reboot for an additional $30, purchasers should get a physical copy too. Doubly so since it’ll be free to subscribers patient enough to wait three more months.) Not only do I not want additional streaming subscriptions, $30 is too much for an X-movie I doubt I’ll be viewing more than once.

Additional effort of interstate commerce was almost required. I haven’t been to a drive-in movie since Kull The Conqueror & Excess Baggage! That was the night Princess Di died & our cat, Domino, gave birth to a litter of stillborns. ‘Twas an ill-starred evening. The nearest NY drive-in’s ticket policy feels like a scam.”If no proper spots are available at showtime, sadly, you will forfeit your parking spot and admission tickets prepaid online.” Luckily the NJ theaters reopened right before I committed to driving across the border. Due to short notice, most local cinemas didn’t have time to reopen punctually. Our theater felt like it took the responsible safety precautions too. So this marks my first collaboreview with The Wages of Cinema since Harley Quinn & Birds Of Prey!

Just like the comic book is based on, it has a generic title that is already outdated. Now without further ado, the SPOILERS have been released from Limbo below! We finally have closure for Fox’s X-movies! Since I waited this long to see it, it didn’t skimp on the verbiage.

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