Apparently Matt The Catania recently had another birthday. So I did what anybody who forgets an important milestone does & fled to Skull Island with The Wages of Cinema! Andrew was back this week so my presence was superfluous! Listen to us geek out over kaiju films after the halfway mark!
This is a movie that really surprised me. Since the dolorous adventure of King Kong has been told by Hollywood thrice (& once in a book illustrated by Anthony Browne), there’s no reason for another remake. Even if WB made this movie just to segue into King Kong v. Godzilla: Dawn of Destroy All Monsters, Kong doesn’t have that much context that he needs a whole introductory movie. Despite my initial thoughts, I left Kong: Skull Island hungry for more ape awesomeness! This should appease anyone upset by the budgetary restrictions of the CW’s jaunt to Gorilla City. I skipped their attempt at Gojira, but now sign me for the Legendary Monsterverse! I guess we should call it the Kaijuverse or MONARCHverse to distinguish this from the resurrection of the Universal Monsterverse.
X-Men: Apocalypse gave Andrew Birchenough such extreme PTSD that Jack Gattanella was forced to install me as his Brand-X substitute for The Wages of Cinema’s Logan review! Is Logan the best there is at what he does, or is what Logan does not very nice? Going by Wolverine’s catchphrase, these options might not be mutually exclusive.
SPOILERS below, bub! SNIKT! SNIKT!
If you’re reading this, congratulations on having survived 2016! Let’s all begin our venture through 2017 with low expectations! After all, 2017 is the year of The Running Man. They say to be the change you want to see in the world, so this year I’m having myself drawn & quartered!
Some good news is that both my 2016 views & visitor stats markedly increased over 2015’s, though WordPress hasn’t sent me a qualitative analysis like last year. Seeing as how my 2015 tenure was two months shy of of a full year, I’m especially glad the opposite wasn’t true. The most read blog was “Let’s All Ride Deadpool’s Coattails!,” so click through some of my lesser viewed blogs to even things out. I was going to include a Top Ten Movies of 2016 list since I saw exactly ten movies at the cinema last year, but then I realized my quantitative rankings would be mostly arbitrary. You’re better off reading my full reviews because they’re made of ambivalence & anhedonia!
My review of Deadpool garnered over 150 views within a day. (Does that post on Sunday count for this week’s blog quota or the last one?) I believe that’s a record for this blog, but feel free to fact check that for me. Since I’m not running ads at the moment, I’m quite impressed with this feat. I’ve seen the movie twice but have been unsuccessful in obtaining one of the promotional Deadpool figurines. Death by Zamboni is still magical. X-Men: Apocalypse is going to be even more underwhelming in comparison!
The Wages of Cinema namedropped me about 3/4 through their review. Next time they should just ask me to record with them.
I’m happy that not only was Deadpool a great movie but also a highly successful one. Who would’ve thought an an accurate adaptation of a beloved character would do gangbusters? This is both good & bad for the future. James Gunn has already predicted Hollywood will learn all the wrong lessons as usual, which has saved me a lot of typing. There will be a lot of uninspired knock-offs on the horizon, but its success could be a boon for others. Fox wisely wants to make the next Wolverine movie R-rated so we can finally see him dismember folks with his Adamantium claws, but no word yet on whether he’ll finally fight Omega Red in a good costume. Suicide Squad would probably benefit from being R over PG-13. Please give me an R-rated Ghost Rider without Nic Cage! Of course the next big trend in comic book movies could be slashing their budget at the last moment.
The worst part about Fox losing the Daredevil rights is Deadpool can’t be rivals with Typhoid Mary & Bullseye in his sequel. I’d be way more excited about Daredevil season 2 if they were appearing instead of the Punisher. An adaptation of “Dead Reckoning” would be a neat idea for the sequel, mostly because a live action Tiamat riding an alien hound would be the bee’s knees. It’s also a seminal story that could give them enough elements to run wild with now that they’ll probably get whatever budget they desire. Sadly they won’t be able to use Captain America either. Since Longshot doesn’t have a movie in the works, a jaunt to the Mojoverse would be oodles of fun.
Stephen Lang as Cable is the right choice (not to be confused with Steven Lang). If not him, I could see Dolph Lundgren or Clancy Brown. There’s already a mock-up of Keira Knightley as Cable but it doesn’t look right without Cable’s crewcut. She’s a few decades too young & genderflipping Cable would excise too much homoeroticism. How about Keira Knightley as Rachel
Summers Grey (whose role in DOFP was given to Shadowcat after her role was given to Wolverine) with a ginger femullet to rival Angel Dust’s? Or she could play a merc named Domino … again.
I was anxious to see the Deadpool film. I saw it on Thursday, but earlier than a midnight show. So all the marketing about the movie opening on Friday was a lie. The hype, however, was real! It’s so fantastic (fortunately it wasn’t fant4stic) that it kept the world from ending on Valentine’s Day (bummer)! I am gobsmacked by how masterfully it was executed given Fox’s last crack at Deadpool. It truly felt like a movie made for fans by fans. I’ll wager this will be the best X-movie of the year, if not the best comic book movie of the year period. And now I shall SPOIL it for you with nerdy nitpicks! So scroll down past the tilde to read some musings on Toy Fair if you’ve not seen it yet. Those will totally make this giant-sized blog worth it if you’ve already read umpteen Deadpool reviews!
The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose is now on NetGalley! At least for a month, but remember February is short even in Leap Year. So I reckon thirty days from its posting date gives you until March 6, 2016. If you’re a book blogger, go request it now!
This blog has finally surpassed 10,000 visitors! I also found out how to slap book quotes onto inspirational photos. Behold my first attempt!
Which quotes from The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose would you like to see get this treatment next?
Hey did you hear about this Deadpool movie?
Is it? Last week, “Ugh, stop trying to make ‘JEMMACIDE’ happen!” became my first post to surpass 1,000 views. WOW. It only took about two months. I’m already ashamed of posts that don’t clear 100 views, so now this wrecks the curve for the lot of ’em. I wish I’d get that level of exposure whenever I attempt to pimp out The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose. So click on some other posts while you’re here to help their self esteem.
Even when I shamelessly link about like fiend, I’m often baffled by why some posts are much more popular than their brethren. The numbers tend to go up whenever I mention Jemmacide in passing even though the portmanteau hasn’t become that memetic elsewhere on The Interwuzzle. So I guess that means that the people want continuing coverage on the Jemmacide situation as it develops or doesn’t. If it’s the latter, I could really string this out: “Will Jemma Simmons finally become Jemmacide in season 7 of Agents of SHIELD even though the Kree artifact arc wrapped up four years ago? Come back next week to read me wildly speculate about it yet again!”
Elizabeth Henstridge is on record as hoping the Kree artifact teleported her. Perhaps The Kree Supreme Intelligence (conspicuously absent from Guardians of the Galaxy) transported Simmons to Hala (the Kree home-world) because it’s fascinated by her. They can cast The Face of Boe in the role. Whilst there, she can request a symbiote suit nearly identical to Venom with the power to neutralize Inhumans. That way everybody’s fanfiction wins!
Well, except the weirdos who prefer even more infighting amongst interchangeably bland bureaucracies (oh wait, we’re still getting those) over stupendous sci-fi escalation in their televisual comic book adaptations. For them, I’ve hastily defaced image above so they can post it to The Tumblr. The right thinking Jemmacide faction may continue to rebut with this & this. Get ready to rumble!