Black Panther Dethrones Toy Fair

I went to Wakanda with The Wages of Cinema to visit Black Panther! My kitty’s mad I saw it without her. This I know from speaking the universal language of Espurranto. (I should start calling her Snuggletooth.) Let’s dive right off Warrior Falls into SPOILERS. If you’ve not seen it yet, skip even further down to the tilde for Toy Fair 2018 SPOILERS!

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Syfy Made Me Happy!

It’s usually easier to review something I dislike. I can point out its perceived shortcomings, explain why it didn’t appeal to me, & make suggestions of how to fix it, all while incorporating snarky quips. Meanwhile I struggle to write thorough reviews of media that just click with me. (Perhaps one day I can be as insightful as The Institute of Gremlins 2 Studies.) This installment comes later than expected because I wanted to write a meaningful recommendation of Happy! beyond “I liked this! It’s good; trust me.”

Syfy has won me over with its adaptation of Happy! Much like FILLER! & mother! (I learned only too late that it has no capitals), its loopiness bleeds into my sentence structure thanks to its mandatory exclamation mark. Sometimes it feels like it was made just for me! The Grant Morrison & Darick Robertson comic is only four issues, so it’s perfect length for a feature film. Unlike Inhumans, it translated surprisingly well into an eight episode TV season. The expanded stuff is legitimutantly engaging instead of empty padding.

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Valerian & The City Of Atomic Blonde!

With Marvel & DC’s cinematic rivalry on hold until November, we can turn our attention to film adaptions of indie comic books: Valerian & The City Of A Thousand Planets & Atomic Blonde. These two motion pictures share other commonalities too: I’ve not read either source material yet, John Goodman’s voice, & neither is doing as well at the box office as I believe they ought to be. If you want more variety in your comic book movies, support these! So (with very minimal spoilers) here’s why you should see both of them in cinemas. (But if you only want Marvel & DC movie tidbits, scroll down to where I discuss Deadpool 2 & Aquaman.)

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Second Anniversary On Skull Island!

 Apparently Matt The Catania recently had another birthday. So I did what anybody who forgets an important milestone does & fled to Skull Island with The Wages of Cinema! Andrew was back this week so my presence was superfluous! Listen to us geek out over kaiju films after the halfway mark!

This is a movie that really surprised me. Since the dolorous adventure of King Kong has been told by Hollywood thrice (& once in a book illustrated by Anthony Browne), there’s no reason for another remake. Even if WB made this movie just to segue into King Kong v. Godzilla: Dawn of Destroy All Monsters, Kong doesn’t have that much context that he needs a whole introductory movie. Despite my initial thoughts, I left Kong: Skull Island hungry for more ape awesomeness! This should appease anyone upset by the budgetary restrictions of the CW’s jaunt to Gorilla City. I skipped their attempt at Gojira, but now sign me for the Legendary Monsterverse! I guess we should call it the Kaijuverse or MONARCHverse to distinguish this from the resurrection of the Universal Monsterverse.

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Logan Is No Country For Old X-Men

X-Men: Apocalypse gave Andrew Birchenough such extreme PTSD that Jack Gattanella was forced to install me as his Brand-X substitute for The Wages of Cinema’s Logan review! Is Logan the best there is at what he does, or is what Logan does not very nice? Going by Wolverine’s catchphrase, these options might not be mutually exclusive.


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The Future Is Bad For You

If you’re reading this, congratulations on having survived 2016! Let’s all begin our venture through 2017 with low expectations! After all, 2017 is the year of The Running Man. They say to be the change you want to see in the world, so this year I’m having myself drawn & quartered!

Some good news is that both my 2016 views & visitor stats markedly increased over 2015’s, though WordPress hasn’t sent me a qualitative analysis like last year. Seeing as how my 2015 tenure was two months shy of of a full year, I’m especially glad the opposite wasn’t true. The most read blog was “Let’s All Ride Deadpool’s Coattails!,” so click through some of my lesser viewed blogs to even things out.  I was going to include a Top Ten Movies of 2016 list since I saw exactly ten movies at the cinema last year, but then I realized my quantitative rankings would be mostly arbitrary.  You’re better off reading my full reviews because they’re made of ambivalence & anhedonia!


In 2017, don’t be that deranged hermit who shirks his societal responsibilities & criticizes others’ attempts. I already called dibs!

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Let’s All Ride Deadpool’s Coattails!

My  review of Deadpool garnered over 150 views within a day. (Does that post on Sunday count for this week’s blog quota or the last one?) I believe that’s a record for this blog, but feel free to fact check that for me. Since I’m not running ads at the moment, I’m quite impressed with this feat.  I’ve seen the movie twice but have been unsuccessful in obtaining one of the promotional Deadpool figurines. Death by Zamboni is still magical. X-Men: Apocalypse is going to be even more underwhelming in comparison!

The Wages of Cinema namedropped me about 3/4 through their review. Next time they should just ask me to record with them.

I’m happy that not only was Deadpool a great movie but also a highly successful one. Who would’ve thought an an accurate adaptation of a beloved character would do gangbusters? This is both good & bad for the future. James Gunn has already predicted Hollywood will learn all the wrong lessons as usual, which has saved me a lot of typing. There will be a lot of uninspired knock-offs on the horizon, but its success could be a boon for others. Fox wisely wants to make the next Wolverine movie R-rated so we can finally see him dismember folks with his Adamantium claws, but no word yet on whether he’ll finally fight Omega Red in a good costume. Suicide Squad would probably benefit from being R over PG-13. Please give me an R-rated Ghost Rider without Nic Cage! Of course the next big trend in comic book movies could be slashing their budget at the last moment.

The worst part about Fox losing the Daredevil rights is Deadpool can’t be rivals with Typhoid Mary & Bullseye in his sequel. I’d be way more excited about Daredevil season 2 if they were appearing instead of the Punisher. An adaptation of “Dead Reckoning” would be a neat idea for the sequel, mostly because a live action Tiamat riding an alien hound would be the bee’s knees. It’s also a seminal story that could give them enough elements to run wild with now that they’ll probably get whatever budget they desire. Sadly they won’t be able to use Captain America either. Since Longshot doesn’t have a movie in the works, a jaunt to the Mojoverse would be oodles of fun.

Stephen Lang as Cable is the right choice (not to be confused with Steven Lang). If not him, I could see Dolph Lundgren or Clancy Brown. There’s already a mock-up of Keira Knightley as Cable but it doesn’t look right without Cable’s crewcut. She’s a few decades too young & genderflipping Cable would excise too much homoeroticism. How about Keira Knightley as Rachel Summers Grey  (whose role in DOFP was given to Shadowcat after her role was given to Wolverine) with a ginger femullet to rival Angel Dust’s? Or she could play a merc named Dominoagain.

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