“Ugh, Stop Trying To Make ‘JEMMACIDE’ Happen!”

I hope you’ve seen Avengers: Age of Ultron & Agents of SHIELD’s second season finale because here be SPOILERS! (I know that you really wanted spoilers for The F-Lash season finale. Sorry.)

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“The Mystery of the Missing Moustaches!”

I watched the entire first season of Gotham so you didn’t have to. It has a dopey charm, but watching The F-Lash (it had a whole episode about a psionic gorilla!) would be a better use of your time. I don’t want to tell Gotham how to do its job, but here’s what Gotham needs to fix for season 2:

10 Ways To Fix Gotham For Season 2 

lp5i2This guy knows what I’m talking about.

I guess I need to ramble on to make this post worth your while if you’ve already had my latest Topless Robot list foisted upon you.

This blog has finally received some visitors from Africa! Now all we need is a visitor from Antarctica & all the continents will be covered! Anybody know people in Antarctica?

Not nearly enough of you are using the #SchaalForSquirrelGirl hashtag I invented.

Robert Malmont’s The Chinatown Death Cloud Peril is hardcore pulp. It’s like The League of Extraordinary Writers. Unfortunately the ending has a Deus Ex Machina.

Creators Kurt Busiek & Benjamin Dewey agree with me that Goldfoot of Tooth & Claw: The Autumnlands (it has interspecies lesbians!) sounds like Holly Hunter.

Agents of SHIELD season 2 finale SPOILERS! Cal singing “Daisy Bell” was the finale highlight. Kyle Maclachlan really deserves an Emmy (as do Tatiana Maslany & Tom Cavanagh). I’m so bummed that Raina got killed just to show Quake her mom is evil. I was rooting for her to achieve Peak Supervillainy. Symbiote Simmons’s name should be Jemmacide! I have typed it therefore Jemmacide is canon now!

Vindicating The Vox Populi!

The readers have spoken! But before I reveal which of the three The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose paintings YOU picked, I’m going to sidetrack with my guest appearance on The Wages of Cinema podcast (I came up with the name for it) in which I discuss Avengers: Age of Ultron with Jack Gattanella, Andrew Birchenough, & Korey Hughes for an hour. If you hate reading, now you can hear me nitpick!:

I forgot to mention during the podcast that another big gripe I had is that Klaw’s ship is anchored at “the African coast.” Um, all of the continent’s perimeter is coast. At least pick a map orientation to narrow it down slightly. I thought we were past the Geography Fail of acting like Africa is a country by this point.

So last week, I asked you which The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose painting you wanted to see next based on the incredibly vague working titles “Theft,” “Pursuit”, & “Pounce.” The winner by a near unanimous vote was … “POUNCE!” I want to give a special thanks to the commenteers of The Mary Sue & the Unstable Molecules forum of UXN for helping me with my indecision. They are lovely folks with good taste. So, without further ado, here is a photo of a painting that’s not necessarily named “Pounce!”

s3This is actually the first painting I made for The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose. Note that it does not contain the eponymous lead character anywhere. Instead it features supporting character Stephfi the Marauderatrix battling a Manticore. Motivational speakers say “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I was disappointed in the shortage of warrior women fighting Manticores in our culture. So I wrote it into a novel & painted a picture of it.

The best part about making my own artwork for the book is that I don’t need to worry about other artists mistranslating the scenes I envisioned in my head. This was particularly important for Stephfi because her outfit is much more unique than Brother Banenose’s standard Franciscan monk habit. Her chainmail bellyshirt & skirt are a nod to Red Sonja’s notorious chainmail bikini. But unlike most depictions of Red Sonja, Stephfi is obviously a physical powerhouse. This costume is still very impractical to fight in (unless you draw upon the power of the uterus) but intentionally so because the book is full of comedic absurdities. The Marauder men wear even less clothing & appear in other paintings for the pleasure of your objectification.

When I reread the chapter for details to include, I realized that Stephfi  was wearing a disguise during this scene. I wasn’t about to paint a baggy robe over her after all the work I put into it, but I did include part of her robe at the bottom. Now the issues was that the painting was an inaccurate representation of the story. I would be a hypocrite to take such a large creative license with my own book. So I rewrote the chapter with Stephfi casting off her robe right before this moment. And that’s how you abuse power to solve problems the lazy & lateral way!

I’m considering adding a Facebook or Disqus plugin for the comments. Or are you in favor of sticking with the standard WordPress comments section? Let me know what you’d prefer. Until next week, you can post inquiries about my novel or paintings underneath.

I Want You To Want To Read Me!

Hola, faithful readers from a variety of nations! I realize that there are scads of blogs competing for your attention, but you’ve chosen (for the moment) to read mine. I’m honored!* It feels like I’m writing in an echo chamber, however, because I haven’t received many comments from people like you. I’d chalk up the silence to “you’re doing everything right; no need for us to interrupt,” but I’m not sure I’m that egotistical. So I’m looking for your feedback on how I can ensure Matt The Catania: Almost Clever! is a blog you’d like to continue reading.

I’ve come across plenty of blogs where the author has a very focused mission statement:

“I love writing/photography/cooking/acting/gardening/fencing/taxidermy/etc.! I think about it 24/7! Whenever I’m unable to do this specific activity, life  loses all its value!”

I feel somewhat aberrant in comparison because I don’t have one overwhelming passion. Instead I possess a diversified array of obssessions because I want to be a dilettante when I grow up. Do you, however, have a preference for me to focus on specific topics rather than others?

As you may have already noticed, I sometimes write things. I’ve even been paid to do this. making me a professional writer. While I’m not going to post a full length novel here, I think I could manage the occasional short story. I do poetry for glory. Are you interested in more behind the scenes peeks at articles I’ve written for Topless Robot, io9, & Legal As She Is Spoke? Is there a particular format or topic you’d like me to cover? Are my musings too verbose or too succinct?

I like making movies, but unfortunately there won’t be many of my own here. This is simply because I don’t personally own filmographic equipment & it takes lots of people working together to make something worth watching. I can show you various videos I’ve cameoed in for friends. I may even make a guest appearance in one of your films if you ask! Otherwise I have plenty of anecdotes about FILLER! That’s what everybody needs, right?

Consuming culture is another thing that I do. Afterwards I analyze it. So I could critique novels, comic books, TV shows, & movies for you. The problem is that there are already so many outlets that already do that. I’d have to think of a unique way to make my rambling reviews radically relevant from the rest. Do you have any suggestions.

I’m an avid action figure aficionado. I’m even customized some. I’ve also built model kits. Would you be interested in me posting digital photographs of those here? I also  provide many cat & vacation snaps as alternatives.

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Nightcrawler has ported in to break up all the text. (Why can’t he just wear his classic costume in the movies since they’ve established he has the same circus background as the comics? Or have velvety blue fur instead of weirdly elaborate scars?) Do you like these sorts of things? Have you ever been compelled to share these “memes” about on The Interwuzzle? Also, do you prefer having to click on really long posts to see the entirety or would you rather they take up as much of the front page as needed?

Most of my art is done with pencil or paint. Do you like to see planning sketches or just finished pieces? Next week I’d like to discuss another painting for The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose. I have three paintings in various stages of completion & three that are ready for viewing. Based on these extremely vague titles, which would you prefer me blog about next?
1. theft
2. pursuit
3. pounce

So tell me in the comments section below (or on my Fan Page or The Twitter) how I can provide content that’s more relevant to your interests. Even one reader’s comment can shape the course of this blog! Will it be yours?

*”HONOR!” is a registered trademarked of Prince Zuko

Shameless Cross-Promotion!

Well I’ve broken my oath twice in as as many weeks. Just don’t expect semiweekly content from here on out. This instance was born out a timing necessity to maximize synergy.

If you remember from the introduction, sometimes I write content for Topless Robot. Today my latest daily list,  “The Top 10 Movies That Were Basically Uncredited Superhero Comic-Book Adaptations,” was published. It’s my twenty-fifth piece for the site. So this will be me writing an online article about another online article I wrote because this Amphisbaena has already converted itself into a hoop. Here’s the URL in case you’d rather not click the previous hyperlink for some strange reason: http://www.toplessrobot.com/2015/03/the_top_ten_stealth_comic_book_movies.php

The site’s editor, Luke Thompson,  greenlit  this article after I pitched it to him at the beginning of January. I originally titled it “The Top Ten Stealth Superhero Movies.” My first draft didn’t have an entry on The Matrix = The Invisibles because there had already been a few articles that covered this thoroughly. It’s the platonic ideal of my listicle’s thesis, however, so I made it the bonus eleventh entry. In revising the article, I copied & pasted some of the entries around, inadvertently leaving two #7’s & no #4. Numbers: HOW DO THEY WORK? I also misspelled Aza Chorn. I’m usually better at proofreading. I can’t discuss much of the response to the article because people are still commenting on it, but I am surprised that Unbreakable has fans.

Do you want to know more?

Just Some FILLER!

“EH?* Two posts in as many days? But you promised you’d only post once a week! Why would you do this to me?”

Well dear hypothetical reader, it’s like how your doctor tells you to take a double dose of your medicine the first day just to get firmly on the road to recovery. Trying to build a following for a weekly blog is tricksy without enough content to convince visitors to return. So that’s why I’m doubling down on entries. Trust me, I’m a doctor.**

I need to post some substantive content to get you invested in the success of this fledgling blog. I don’t want to lead off with a repost of an article commissioned by another site. The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose is not quite ready for human consumption yet. So my best option is to show you some FILLER!

Feast your eyes upon the award-winning*** short film FILLER! If you already know me then odds are I’ve already forced you to watch it. That’s why you need to forward this blog to people I don’t know so you can all commiserate in regional support groups.

I co-wrote FILLER! with Andrew Birchenough. He, Fred Henry III, Lindsay Tierstein, Kristin Allmer, Tony Lombardo, Mike Dilorenzo, Brenda Belohoubek, Korey Hughes, Jack Gattanella, Casey Walker, Christina Hoffman, Krystle Von Thaden, Matt Rosen, & I graciously agreed to star in for free. (Should I add tags for these fine thespians too?) I ended up directing it despite not being a film student. FILLER! has since gone on to be an incredibly minor Interwuzzle sensation, particularly in The NetherlandsIt even has an IMDb page where you can rate it ten stars.

I am inordinately pleased with how FILLER! turned out & the response it has received. There are many more anecdotes I can share about this project. Give me some feedback about what you’d like to know more about in the comments section below. Keep your eyes figuratively peeled for more on FILLER! whenever there’s a slow week. If you’d rather not see any more FILLER!, keep your eyes peeled literally.

*’Eh?’ is a registered trademark of The Commonwealth of Canada.

**Doctor of Jurisprudence. Matt The Catania & its author are not responsible for anyone foolish enough to use this blog as a medical resource.

*** First Prize in the Alternative Film Category at the 2008 William Paterson University Film Festival

Introductions Are In Order

Ahoy! You’ve stumbled upon the blog of Matthew Catania. Or maybe someone ordered you here in exchange for the safe return of your loved ones. The important part is that someone besides me is seeing this. So greetings & salutations, dear readers! I’d like to extend an extra special welcome to the archaeologists of the future, some of whom may be extraterrestrial. I would like to confirm for the historical records that my polydactyl pussycat did in fact bestride the narrow world like a Colossus. Ergo I was also a credit to my species via the transitive property.

So this is my first blog. I do, however, have prior experience publishing on The Interwuzzle. (You’re officially surfing The Interwuzzle from here on out, Grodd damn it!) So far I’ve written pieces for Topless Robot, io9, & Legal As She Is Spoke. (I’ll probably be posting links to this back catalog periodically as I figure out what sort of content this blog will focus on.) I also make frequent comments on various nerdy sites & forums under a pseudonym that’s even cooler than my birth-name. I’m on The Twitter now too! (Doesn’t The Twitter sounds like a social disease?)

Currently, I’m working on a novel dubbed The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose! It’s Medieval fantasy comedy. I have made paintings & sketches for some scenes & characters. So you’ll be seeing some of those in due time.

Since Inspiration is a fickle mistress, I don’t know how often this blog will get updated. Let’s aim for once a week. It may not be the same day each week though, so sign up for email notifications so you don’t miss a single thrilling post. The Twitter & Facebook fan page (there should be clickable widgets somewhere on this blog if you look hard enough) will also alert you to updates if you’d rather not clutter your inbox any further. Or you could just compulsively check back here multiple times a day in hopes of lucking into new content. That’s cool too & totally up to your discretion.

That about wraps it up for the inaugural post. If you’ve read this far, you can leave me feedback. What kind of features would you like to see? Should I keep the overall blog title as is or try again? Do you fancy the free layout template I picked? Besides actually posting substantive content, what would entice you & your friends to become frequent visitors? Have I used enough tags? Should I ramble more or less? Do you have any extra money that you don’t want anymore that I could have? If Orville Redenbacher were reanimated & split into two beings, Orville Reden & Orville Bacher, which would win in a fight?

Until next time,

I remain

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this kitty’s Feline Pleasure Maintenance Technician.

Be seeing you.