In Rian Johnson’s Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Luke & Rey go to extreme lengths to unsuccessfully kill a lone Mynock that got into their Midichlorian factory before Luke finally agrees that nobody cares if The Force is slightly less than 98% pure. The original title was Star Wars: The Ultimate Jedi Who Wastes All the Other Jedi & Eats Their Bones, but that was too long a spoiler to print on posters.
I was one of the few not wowed over by The Force Awakens. Rogue One was even more superfluous. Only Rian Johnson’s filmography had raised my hopes for Episode VIII. Seeing it with The Wages of Cinema was a pleasant surprise. Please peruse this Porg podcast! Then real SPOILERS happen! (Several of these SW:TLJ Bingo spaces are accurate.)
Pantone has declared “greenery” the color of 2017. That means this blog’s eye-bleedingly vivid hue is ahead of the curve!
Neither version of Spider-Man: Homecoming’s trailer wowed me. It somehow looks simultaneously too similar & too different from earlier Spider-Man films. As the Vulture, Michael Keaton threatens Spider-Man’s loved ones with all the disinterest he musters whilst disturbed in the middle of lunch by well-meaning Beetlejuice fans. How is the Vulture even a challenge to Spider-Man when he’s already pals with Iron Man? Marvel Studios will eventually do its take on Green Goblin, so why lessen his impact by starting off with bargain basement Green Goblin? I’d nitpick it more, but I will take the un-journalistic approach of saving it for my eventual review of the full movie.
The porn parody should be named Spider-Man: Home Cumming, right?
I vowed to start talking about books again as TV has run off on winter break like a lazy
cow herd coward. (Nickelodeon hasn’t even aired the final four episodes of TMNT’s fourth season! I can still mumble about how lackluster Gotham’s & Legends of Tomorrow‘s fall finales were if I really get desperate for semi-timely content.) So I guess that’s what I’m (barely) doing this week.
Yes, you read the headline right. This custom is a Rogue one. It’s just not a Rogue One custom. Now that I’ve lured all you Star Wars fans in, gaze upon my custom X-Men: Evolution Rogue action figure! (Now with moderately improved photographs! Who would’ve thunk daylight would’ve been the missing ingredient?)
This custom began its life as an X-Treme Rogue, unfortunately afflicted with some broken joints. Once I got a replacement, I made this one into goth Rogue from X-Men: Evolution since Toy Biz never made one. The first was fortuitously misassembled with the sleeveless arms of her long-haired variant to make this easier. Her pallid complexion gets washed out in photographs, but I assure you she’s the spitting image of legitimutant vampire Kate Beckinsale.
I’m a bit disappointed this look never made it into mainline continuity like Logan’s lame second suit, inferior to the orange original. The closest it got was this Julie Bell cover where the the green has sadly been replaced by icky yellow. Even with model sheets, promo images, & clips, matching the cartoon colors proved tricky because animators hate consistency. It took me until recently to get the shoulder pads right. In violation of cartoon accuracy, I gave her the collar she only wore in civilian attire. I extended the green down her sleeves since it’s Rogue’s signature color. Part of me wants to repaint her boots & gloves green too for color unity. The other part of me likes that this costume has so many colors in it to reflect Rogue absorbing various powers. So tell me whether or not I should keep tinkering with it. My easily malleable mind might even be swayed by you.
If you prefer this mutie belle when she leeches all the alien-augmented muscle mass out of Ms. Marvel, check out my other Rogue custom. Continue reading
According to WordPress, the statistics for inaugural ten months of Matt The Catania were these:
The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed 12,286 times in 2015. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take more than 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it. Site visitors came from 181 countries.
I also made a book. Once you finish reading it, come back for my in-depth review of the newest Star Wars flick.
The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose is part of Runaway Goodness & Booktrope’s Prefunk the Holidays promotion! This means the Kindle version will be priced at $2.99 throughout November. If you’re a a Kindle Unlimited subscriber, you can read it for free. The ebook version will be Kindle exclusive for at least this period, but you can still get the paperback version from whomever.
From November 9-14, the Kindle edition will be FREE to everyone! So if you’re low on funds but want to give my debut novel a shot, November is the perfect month to do so. If you’ve already bought an e-copy of it, don’t despair! There are over 200 other Booktrope books that will be free next week. You’re sure to find something new you’ll like.
Once you have acquired The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose at a bargain, I need reviews! Reviews are very helpful for getting indie books like mine to stand out from the sea of the thousands of books published each year. So regardless of whether you acquire my book during the Holiday Prefunk, I still need you to post your critiques to Amazon, Barnes & Noble, GoodReads, your blogs, or wherever else. I’d prefer if you say something nice about it, but even negative reviews can help build buzz. Reader reviews are also useful feedback for how I can improve my difficult second novel.
Don’t forget to post selfies with the book too!
My editor, Majanka Verstraete, is my new Marketing Manager! Reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org for promotional opportunities.
Agents of SHIELD critique & Jack-o’-lantern photos after the break!
Now that The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose has been successfully published, I’ve unilaterally decided my difficult second novel will be horror, which may be a completely arbitrary decision based on my approach to genre so far.
Warwick Davis is going to be in Star Wars: The Force Awakens! Maybe he’s reprising the role of Wicket again? I’d be infinitely more excited for this overhyped movie if the marketing included Wicket. Of course now I’m worried that Ewoks may only be in it so the Empire 2.0 can wipe them out to cheaply establish its badassery in the eyes of those wrongheaded people who loathe Ewoks. THIS WILL NOT STAND!
Anti-Ewokites somehow cannot process that Ewoks are probably the galaxy’s most fearsome species. Not only are they cunning carnivorous hunters, the natural resources of Endor that comprise their rudimentary weapons are far stronger than the Empire’s high tech tools like AT-ST’s. Had the Rebel Alliance deployed Ewoks to eradicate the remaing Imperial outposts, they wouldn’t have to worry about the inaccurately named First Order. Now a movie about Ewoks slaughtering their way across the cosmos in the honor of C-3PO (whose evokes a transliteration of the Cyrillic spelling of USSR, CCCP) would be game changer with plenty of potential moral ambiguity. They’d still sing yub-jub songs with their Woklings in wicker baskets around bonfires of their enemies for maximum adorability though. Also, by Episode VII I expect at least Princess Kneesaa to have become a lightsaber-wielding Jedi. Might Ewoks be an even more invasive species than cane toads? The only way Ewoks could be more terrifying is if they were vampires, which is where COUNT EWOKULA comes in! Remember, the hoodless Ewok must not be seen in public even if it’s already wearing a baller Spawn cape.
Why must Stormtrooper helmets be so hard to draw?
Speaking of diminutive aliens, I was recently informed that Jawas are rodents underneath their wraps. This is retcon from the prequel era, which explains why it’s not in my xenobiology reference material library. It’s also pretty uninspired. I always thought Jawas & Tusken Raiders came out of the wombs with organic bandages for epidermis as if they’re living mummies, which is oxymoronic. I refuse to update my headcanon because it’s superior to Lucasfilm apocrypha.
Now if you read all the way to the end of this post, I’ll treat you to not one but two DC on TV memes!
I had a blast guest blogging at io9 over the weekend! In case you missed it, here are the articles you need to read:
Anybody Remember The Long Lost Cartoon Super Turbo Atomic Mega Rabbit?
Now Marvel Wants You To Subscribe To Clothing, Too!
Man Plus Has The Kookiest And Therefore Greatest Plan To Colonize Mars
Why Can’t Wonder Woman Toys Get Her Most Important Accessory Right?
New Favorite Theory: All Of Kyle MacLachlan’s Roles Are The Same Person!
Stories That Lost Their Writers (And Their Plots) Halfway Through
I’ll have some behind the scenes posts on these in the future, but the important thing is that Kyle MacLachlan tangentially acknowledged my existence on The Twitter! (I’m being optimistic since I don’t know if he read beyond the headline.)
So the substantive content for this week will be the first in a series on memes I’ve made. In fact, the very first memes I’ve ever made are below. Last year, Topless Robot ran a meme contest to win a Stormtrooper uniform. I didn’t really want one, but I decided to enter anyway because I have strong opinions on Stormtroopers.
I used to think the Empire created lots of jobs via Stormtroopers, but then the awful prequels revealed they’re all clones.
This was made before Tatiana Maslany was rumored to star in Star Wars: Rogue One. Felicity Jones got the lead instead. Why can’t we have a Star Wars movie with two female leads? Do you think I can tweet this to Ms. Maslany & the rest of the Orphan Black team or will it come off as insulting?
These two received honorable mentions.
Upcoming meme posts will feature DC Comics characters (unfortunately not Killer Moth, though). Of course memes aren’t actually memetic if you don’t use them to pollute strangers’ thoughts. So feel free to pass these around like a social disease. I only request that you attribute them to Matthew Catania or include a pingback to my blog, The Twitter, or Fan Page. Nobody from Africa or Antarctica has visited my blog yet, so we need to work on that as well.