Limited Edition Food v. Zack’s Axes

What  I am about to tell you may shock delicate sensibilities: I find pizza to be overrated. What’s wore is that both vegetarians & omnivores have found common ground in not shutting up about how great pizza is. As someone that generally avoids the stuff, I found myself improbably intrigued by the commercials for Little Caesar’s smokehouse pizza. It reminded me of the barbacoa pizza I had at Telepizza. The problem was the nearest Little Caesar’s is over an owl hour away.

Eventually, I did find an excuse to be in the neighborhood. Do all Little Caesar’s resemble fortified bank lobbies without tables on the inside? Due to the lack of seating & scenery, I had to drive to the nearest comic book shop & eat it in my car like some kind of criminal! (Do criminals often eat pizza in cars? I only ask because what I don’t know about crime could fit in a phone book. Meanwhile what I don’t know about cars could fit in two.) It was delicious! The three barbecued meats (brisket, bacon, & pulled pork) were savory & high quality for the price. I was forced to eat the entire thing by myself! I didn’t know Big Moe Cason was a person before, but now I have reason to implicitly trust him.

A few weeks later, I had another opportunity  to pass by a Little Caesar’s. They told me they don’t make the smokehouse pizza anymore. WHAT? Not only did the commercial fail to mention this concoction was a limited time offer, it wasn’t even available for a full two months? This comes on the heels of Blimpie’s & Wendy’s not reviving their explicitly limited offer BBQ pork items. Why is it so difficult for fast food restaurants to keep pulled pork on the menu? There aren’t any chains that specialize in it, so you’d think one of these trial runs would be a grand slam.

Of course the most agonizing of limited edition edibles remains the McDonald’s shamrock shake. This year was even worse because they added an array of mint-chocolate drinks with it & didn’t haven enough STRAWs to go around. (Will they have enough Frorks for Cinco de Mayo?) McDonald’s knows there’s an insane demand for these, so why only make them available around St. Patrick’s Day? They’ve got over forty years worth of market research to show it’s popular enough to keep around. Why does McDonald’s only want my patronage in the spring? I WANT TO DRINK MINTY THINGS ALL YEAR!

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Step one: Create demand for your exclusive product. Step two: Abruptly cut off this popular product’s supply. Step three: Profit?

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So … How About Them DC Shows?

Nightmare was going to be the villain of Doctor Strange but Marvel Studios predicted it’d be too on the nose for reality.

So let’s dive right back into fantasy! Since my last entry was thoroughly Marvel-centric, this week’s topic will be DC-focused. Except when I write about about other things. I still insist I have a topic.

One of my favorite bits about Legends of Tomorrow season two is how much the team isn’t a well oiled machine. It’s not that they’re terribly incompetent; it’s just that they’re still not used to working with each other. Not only does this prevent the team of superpowered specialists from seeming automatically unbeatable, it allows for more humor & dynamic character interactions.

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All of Heatwave’s dialogue in the cliche-ridden “Shogun” was solid fried gold! (“League of Assassins, class of ’09,” was the the only memorable competition.) Wouldn’t atomizing a real life political figure, Shogun Tokugawa Iemitsu, be the sort of time crime the Legends are supposed to avert?

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Did Gotham & (Green) Arrow Reverse Polarities?

For a spell during season two of Gotham, Riddler & Penguin were rooming together & singing show tunes adorably as best friends are wont to do. This season upped the queerbait ante by having these two ex-Arkham inmates (DC would make a killing selling Arkham Asylum certificates of sanity signed by Hugo Strange!) be incredibly supportive & tender to each other during Coblepot’s successful mayoral campaign. The ambiguous bromance turned romance when Penguin realized he loves Riddler. I was surprised Gotham made the subtextual homoeroticism text since hooking up two of Batman’s top rogues on prime time TV would be the hugest deal since Korrasami. (I can count who isn’t a murdery bastard in this series on one hand, so another gay villain couple doesn’t seem homophobic in context.) It even looked like Riddler would reciprocate Penguin’s affections … until he stood up the Mayor’s candlelit dinner for a stranger that looks exactly like the ex-girlfriend he killed. GRODD DAMN IT, GOTHAM!

Arkham’s Razor says Kristen Kringle’s dead ringer is Clayface hired by Tabitha to break up Oswald & Ed. Or this Isabella is Kristen’s long lost twin who is going to be the show’s quasi-suicidal take on Bookworm. Wait … Bella & Edward? This is a Twilight riff too?

Hopefully this will just be a short road-bump in Penguin & Riddler being happy together. This show could use a romance that’s healthy, stable, & Gordon-free.  Unlike Hannibal Lecter & Will Graham, Penguin & Riddler would be a mainstream gay pairing that’s not toxic as Hell. (Hannibal was fantastic show, but that relationship was monstrously abusive.) I am worried they’ll use a woman-shaped plot contrivance to turn these best buddies into bitter enemies. Don’t you dare ruin this, Gotham!

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Who You Gonna Call About Ecto-Cooler?

After years of separation, I finally got my paws on Hi-C Ecto-Cooler again! Sadly, I was not among the bloggers that received a promo for it with bonus slime. The store only had juice boxes instead of the large aluminum cans I prefer. (I did see Ghostbusters-branded Twinkies as well, but I didn’t get them because they were the kind that lacked green filing. Speaking of which, Key Lime TastyKakes don’t have enough.) I miss having Slimer on the label. Since he’s been in the ads for the Ghostbusters reboot that seem to spoil a huge plot development for the secretary, I don’t see why Slimer wouldn’t be back here too for nostalgic corporate synergy. Supposedly he’s absent because Coca-Cola isn’t allowed to use him as a celebrity endorsement anymore?

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The juice boxes are genuinely smaller than they were when I was a youngling. After one hearty sip, they’re practically drained. This is a fiendish ploy to make me drink all the cartons in a single sitting then buy more. The included straws are too opaque, so you can’t tell you’re drinking something green through them. As someone who wants to consume all the green things, this is half the fun of Ecto-Cooler. I did confirm that it is still green by pouring it into a glass, but that felt like too much effort on my part when Hi-C could’ve just issued clear straws with it.

The Ecto-Cooler itself tasted … fine? I recall it tasting the same albeit more addictive. I guess from  drinking Juicy Juice’s & Langers’ orange-cocktail juices in the intervening years my palate is no longer wowed by Ecto-Cooler. You brought my ambivalence upon yourself by holding out, Coca-Cola! If I can find it in a format that’s not tiny juice boxes, I may give it another go. Hopefully Coca-Cola will keep Ecto-Cooler on shelves for years to come regardless of how the latest reboot performs at the box office. (I now realize that naming the classic cartoon The Real Ghostbusters is as misleading as HBO billing that made-up show as True Detective.) I am interested to see if a new generation that never tasted Ecto-Cooler before embraces it.

Now let’s see if just mentioning the newest Ghostbusters turns my comments section in a dumpster fire!

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Why Am I Still Writing About Batman V Superman?

Some 2016 movies spawn article after article of newsworthy tidbits. Most just get a review before fading into obscurity. (Why are buddy crime comedies bombing this year?) Such seems to be the fate of my beloved Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows. Aside from reports of its financial disappointment, there aren’t any thinkpieces to piggyback off & convince skeptics it’s a good movie. Had I realized this in advance, I wouldn’t have waited so long to see it. Of course it’s crazy to think that the second week of a theatrical run is still too late if you want to attract eyeballs. So China, after you’ve finished bolstering Warcraft’s coffers, could you please do the same for the new TMNT2 so I can get another with Mousers & Triceratons? Thank you kindly.

Despite being a much worse movie that came out in March, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice continues to be in the first group. This is probably because the R-rated version is being released this month. The DC movieverse is also chugging along in hopes of eventually bearing financial & critical fruit, so some news is  merely tangentially Bat-centric. (See, you should’ve had the Mighty Mutanimals spinoff in production already, TMNT!)  To stay ahead of the curve, I’m engaging in the time-honored Interwuzzle tradition of WILD SPECULATION! So while BvS:DoJ (is that the correct style for its acronym?) remains rant-worthy when real news is sparse, you should really go see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows instead of it.

Anybody that’s been collecting Mattel’s BVSDOJ line since December to build a Bat-grapnel gun, will finally be fulfilled with the recent release of the last batch of toys. So the final mystery figure is … the Bat Creature from one of Batman’s nightmares?

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Count Ewokula Bids You An Es-Poo-Kay Samhain!

Now that The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose has been successfully published, I’ve unilaterally decided my difficult second novel will be horror, which may be a completely arbitrary decision based on my approach to genre so far.

Warwick Davis is going to be in Star Wars: The Force Awakens! Maybe he’s reprising the role of Wicket again? I’d be infinitely more excited for this overhyped movie if the marketing included Wicket. Of course now I’m worried that Ewoks may only be in it so the Empire 2.0 can wipe them out to cheaply establish its badassery in the eyes of those wrongheaded people who loathe Ewoks. THIS WILL NOT STAND!

Anti-Ewokites somehow cannot process that Ewoks are probably the galaxy’s most fearsome species. Not only are they cunning carnivorous hunters, the natural resources of Endor that comprise their rudimentary weapons are far stronger than the Empire’s high tech tools like AT-ST’s. Had the Rebel Alliance deployed Ewoks to eradicate the remaing Imperial outposts, they wouldn’t have to worry about the inaccurately named First Order. Now a movie about Ewoks slaughtering their way across the cosmos in the honor of C-3PO (whose evokes a transliteration of the Cyrillic spelling of USSR, CCCP) would be game changer with plenty of potential moral ambiguity. They’d still sing yub-jub songs with their Woklings in wicker baskets around bonfires of their enemies for maximum adorability though. Also, by Episode VII I expect at least Princess Kneesaa to have become a lightsaber-wielding Jedi. Might Ewoks be an even more invasive species than cane toads? The only way Ewoks could be more terrifying is if they were vampires, which is where COUNT EWOKULA comes in! Remember, the hoodless Ewok must not be seen in public even if it’s already wearing a baller Spawn cape.

COUNT EWOKULA

COUNT EWOKULA

Why must Stormtrooper helmets be so hard to draw?

Speaking of diminutive aliens, I was recently informed that Jawas are rodents underneath their wraps. This is retcon from the prequel era, which explains why it’s not in my xenobiology reference material library. It’s also pretty uninspired. I always thought Jawas & Tusken Raiders came out of the wombs with organic bandages for epidermis as if they’re living mummies, which is oxymoronic. I refuse to update my headcanon because it’s superior to Lucasfilm apocrypha.

Now if you read all the way to the end of this post, I’ll treat you to not one but two DC on TV memes!

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Brother Banenose’s Blurb On A Blog!

You may be wondering what exactly The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose is about. Here’s the blurb:

The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose is the ideal novel for mature readers with juvenile senses of humor who enjoy satire, sex, knife fights, theosophy, bestiaries, sorcery, and some history thrown in for good measure. This tale focuses on the comic misadventures of a 14th century Franciscan monk known as Brother Banenose, who dreams of becoming a saint. Unfortunately, he is afraid of being martyred. Even less fortunate, Brother Banenose inadvertently inspires murderous rages in many people he meets in the outside world, including a family of relentless barbarians. When he learns that a precious relic has been stolen from his monastery, Brother Banenose sets off to recover it. Along the way he strikes up questionable friendships with some less than pious individuals including a sultry witch, a fraudulent swineherd, a warrior maiden, and a soothsayer who can only foresee doom. His quest leads him to The Idyllic Land Of Bliss, which happens to be beset by both a menagerie of fantastical monsters and the Black Death. The situation grows even more perilous once the Holy Office of the Inquisition arrives in town. If you were to put The Decameron, The Name of the Rose, and The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle into a blender and hit frappe, you would wind up with something resembling The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose. Original paintings by the author are included.

Please memorize this blurb & repeat it to at least twenty strangers verbatim or your pinky toes will wrench themselves off your feet.

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