Swamp Thing Makes My Heart Sing!

It’s odd how Swamp Thing is often described as an obscure character when he had some of the highest media saturation for a DC Comics character prior to its shared movieverse. I never saw either film despite wishing to do so. (Tubi currently just has the sequel.) I recently leaned he previously had a poorly received yet somehow syndicated live action TV series in the 90’s. I did see the movie of Man-Thing, Marvel’s mucky counterpart, featuring the future Trish Walker when it aired as a SciFi Original Movie. Despite being made by the director of the beloved Virtuosity & Lawnmower Man (Sadly Cybo-Man is the exception to the Monkey With A Gun rule.), Man-Thing is so terrible that the title creature is ashamed to show his iconic visage until the climax.

Thanks to the intro of his very short-lived cartoon of which I only vaguely recall seeing the pilot, I’ll always associate Swamp Thing with Jimi Hendrix & The Troggs. (Is Swampy jealous Man-Thing has his own The Mountain Goats song?). He was embargoed from appearing on Justice League Unlimited (aside from some Easter eggs snuck in) because by that point he was cloistered away in the mature readers Vertigo imprint. Thankfully Justice League Action allowed him & John Constantine to poison the minds of the youth! Swampy is very toyetic, yet somehow I never acquired any of his action figures.

Unlike last week’s merry Marvel miscellany, here’s a blog with a pruned topic. You’ve seen my fire gourd, now read my review of Swamp Thing’s relatively new television series! It’s doomed, which makes it more tragic. Now I finally have firsthand anger over this. The morass below is crawling with SPOILERS!

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I didn’t mean to damn it with faint praise!

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Project: Metalbeast Is A Feast!

I got wine drunk & called my family to let them know how succulent my Thanksgiving turkey turned out because I am an insufferable chef. The Princess of Purrsia kept screaming for some bird, & I told told her she could have as much as she wanted once it finished cooking in several hours. Then she only had a couple bites & walked off in disappointment. She interrupted many a cozy tryptophan coma afterwards. It wasn’t until day three that she put in a serious effort to help devour the poultry as it grew more putrid. Meanwhile I’ve been eating turkey every meal for four days, & my body is beginning to reject me.

I insist that this personal anecdote  tangentially segues into today’s topic. If you thought last week’s 300th blog on She-Hulk was a cold take, wait until you feast your eyes upon this week’s movie review! The Academy is a bunch of cowards too intimidated by Project: Metalbeast to give it the awards it deserved! This direct-to-video gem could become a Thanksgiving staple just like The Lair Of The White Worm has become for Easter! Why isn’t it Metal-Beast or at least MetalBeast?

I first learned of this motion picture from reading the comments for a werewolf action figure Kickstarter. There’s a dim memory that it was also at my local video store, but perhaps I’m just now retroactively imagining it since it’s the kind of movie that would’ve been there. I watched it on Tubi (also home to Russian were-bears), but supposedly it’s free on Amazon as well. Now, without further ado, here’s SPOILERS for a movie from 1995!

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Finally, a meme people can relate to!

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Merry Almost-versary Number?

October the Disrober is over. Now commences November the Ember. (The month is halfway over already, but this rhymes better.)

I’ve been remiss in posting new content this month. (I’ve since revised my posting schedule form weekly to semi-weekly in “About” to cover myself.) One of several unconvincing excuses is that according to WordPress, I was at 299 blog posts. One of those was just me reblogging Cain S. Latrani’s review of The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose, so I don’t count that as one I’d written. (Cain has new novels & merchandise available! Go patronize him with your funds!) As far as I’m concerned, this is my real 299th blog. I became paralyzed trying to think of worthy content not only for post #300 but also sufficient for its immediate predecessor! Curse my modicum of integrity!

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Yes, We Have No Content!

We have no content today!

As you probably know by now, the Fall 2020 TV season isn’t really happening. Some series have begun filming again (This doesn’t seem safe given the general state of Covid Compliance Officers.), but new episodes won’t be arriving until January 2021. This puts me at a disadvantage because I typically fill out the rest of the year blogging about season premieres, series premieres, & mid-season finales.

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The Official Kitty Blog Of 2020

After recapping two titanic televisual finales back-to-back, I took a longer than usual break to recharge from burnout. I finally changed the sharing call to action at the bottom of my posts so it’s no longer insensitive during this era. It took me way too long to figure out where that editing option was. A labor-intensive top secret custom has also been occupying my attention.  I could’ve written something about DC Fandome but it would’ve basically just said it had some nice trailers. Now I have compiled content worth regurgitating for you!

You might think I’d already done my yearly feline blog. That was about the global phenomenon Cats. (Now that she’s become a YouTubist, will Brie Larson finally share her thoughts on it?) This is about cats. If you’ve read prior installments, you’ll know these are a mix of personal anecdotes & random cat links with minimal organization.

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Dispatches From Lodge 49’s Elsewhere

As of now, my prior article on Lodge 49 is the most read of 2020. (It has a leg up by being the year’s first blog.) So that’s a sign that the public demands I write more about it! What if all the TV series halting production before completing their seasons is cosmic punishment for nobody stepping up to bring back Lodge 49 after AMC’s president, Sarah Barnett, slew it despite claiming to champion art? Skedaddle past my SPOILERY Dispatches From Elsewhere critique so you can read me rant about Lynxes some more! Just kidding! I reference it a bunch in the review too.

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Mysterio: Far From Home Is A Valid Spider-Man Movie!

Last week I was ambivalent about running out of topical topics again. Now it’s a very SPOILERY collaboreview of Spider-Man Mysterio: Far From Home  with The Wages of Cinema! How crazy is it that Disney released three Marvel movies in a five month span? (Four, if you count Dark Phoenix.) Releasing this one on a Tuesday for Independence Day is such a power move.

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Thanksgiving For She-Ra!

I never watched the original She-Ra & the Princesses of Power (ditto He-Man & the  Masters of the Universe, though I don’t believe any of them mastered universes based on the movie adaptation I have seen), but my sister had most of the toys. I really enjoyed Noelle Stevenson’s Nimona (Which knight should Lee “Hammertime Piemaker” Pace voice in the movie?), but I didn’t like Lumberjanes as much because I needed more than one panel of The Holy Kitten! Her She-Ra reboot, however, is legitimutantly delightful! It’s reminiscent of the gone-too-soon Thundercats relaunch, particularly in its mythology. Like the new Ducktales & TMNT, it finds plenty of room for comedic characterization betwixt the action. (There’a lot of histrionic face-squishing!) The new intro is a definite improvement over the expository original. The bright pastel colors maintain a retro 80’s vibe. This seems like the opposite approach that David Goyer would’ve taken, & that is for the best! Catch the SPOILER cooties below because PRINCESSES ARE CONTAGIOUS MONSTERS!

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What Do You Want On Your Tombstone?

I really didn’t intend for this blog to have a pizza through-line. (Unlike that time I bemoaned the world being prematurely deprived of Little Caesar’s smokehouse pizza.)  My customized Tombstone was waiting for the next open week, & then A24 suddenly released Slice on streaming platforms after just one day of screenings so it can qualify for Academy Awards. This gave me an excuse to write about TMNT again. Then the trailer for Captain Marvel finally dropped, but it fits too since you can get pizza made with brie. It’s kind of serendipitous.

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My Incredible Kitty Turned Sinister Six!

My kitty interrupted me whilst photographing my Barbara “Stabby Queen” Kean custom (brought to you by the letter D for decolletage & decoupage) last week to catch her twenty-fifth mouse! I managed to get a rare photo of her carrying her victim in her mouth before throwing it like a rag-doll. Usually she scampers her face out of frame before the shutter snaps. I suspect my kitty has a hidden corral of mice & is only pretending to hunt them. Then she caught a moth soon thereafter. This time she gobbled both of them all up without vomiting afterwards!

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Negative kitty forced to give everything thumbs up because of her polydactyl paws.

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