I really didn’t intend for this blog to have a pizza through-line. (Unlike that time I bemoaned the world being prematurely deprived of Little Caesar’s smokehouse pizza.) My customized Tombstone was waiting for the next open week, & then A24 suddenly released Slice on streaming platforms after just one day of screenings so it can qualify for Academy Awards. This gave me an excuse to write about TMNT again. Then the trailer for Captain Marvel finally dropped, but it fits too since you can get pizza made with brie. It’s kind of serendipitous.
My kitty interrupted me whilst photographing my Barbara “Stabby Queen” Kean custom (brought to you by the letter D for decolletage & decoupage) last week to catch her twenty-fifth mouse! I managed to get a rare photo of her carrying her victim in her mouth before throwing it like a rag-doll. Usually she scampers her face out of frame before the shutter snaps. I suspect my kitty has a hidden corral of mice & is only pretending to hunt them. Then she caught a moth soon thereafter. This time she gobbled both of them all up without vomiting afterwards!
The trailer for Black Panther is awesome, even if his tweaked costume still isn’t gold-accented. Contrariwise, the more buzz I hear for Spider-Man: Homecoming, the less I’m excited for it. The final poster is not good. The Vulture’s personality & gear seems more suited to Beetle. (It seems likely Hannah John-Kamen will be the Janice Lincoln version in Ant-Man & the Wasp. Does that mean Tombstone will appear too?) Zendaya is playing an existing character under an alias as if the reveal of her true identity is supposed to be some dramatic surprise? There’s already too much Iron Man in his ugly Ultimates armor. The bastards broke seven LEGO Death Stars just for one gag.
Now Spider-Man’s suit greets him by announcing his secret identity. This is a huge design flaw that could’ve been easily avoided. The new moral is that Spidey must show great responsibility to prove himself worthy of the Stark’s high-tech clothing? (If Sony & Marvel could’ve shared Venom too, this would be a better opportunity to set up that spinoff movie. Tom “No one cared who I was until I put on the symbiote.” Hardy starring as Venom is exciting casting that would’ve been even better if TDKR’s Bane was on Venom, but apparently his solo movie won’t tie-in with the MCU Spidey’s adventures to the detriment of both studios.) I still don’t like either of his costumes that carried over from IMvCA: DoV. The one in the upcoming Playstation video game is more appealing for trying something new instead of being an inferior copy of the classic suit compared to Raimi’s trilogy & Amazing Spider-Man 2.
I have such Spidey fatigue that I don’t know if I even want to see it in cinema. I didn’t even watch the last two in theatres because they lacked J. Jonah Jameson, & this cashgrab is making the same mistake (unless that’s who Zendaya’s secret identity is). On the other paw, I’m sure a review will appeal to more readers than a Sisyphean blog trying to make my toils at writing a difficult second novel sound fascinating. (I just typed up the chapter where a vintage MechaGodzilla model is built! I kinda feel like I should quit while I’m ahead.) Can I run a very timely review of Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark instead? Maybe I’ll watch it but buy another ticket to GOTG 2 or Wonder Woman at the box office. What say you?
If you’re like me & too poor to afford to watch Twin Peaks’ revival on Showtime, Riverdale may tide you over. At first I scoffed at this show because it’s six years too late for a gritty melodramatic adaptation of Archie Comics, the wholesome teenage love triangle sitcom that has inexplicably been in print for seventy-six years. To my surprise, the show that aired after Powerless is actually good! It should not work nearly as well as it does. Curse you for making so much quality television, CW! (If comic book adaptations aren’t your cup of tea, I suggest The 100 & Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.)
It’s probably a lot easier to enjoy this if you’re not a die-hard Archie fan (I’ve never met one in person, but I’m sure they exist) since it takes giant liberties with such characters as Chuck Clayton, Dilton Doiley, & Ethel Muggs. Jughead isn’t asexual, although the series was well into development when the latest comics reboot made that canon. It would’ve been easy to write Veronica Lodge in her Middle Earth cape as the rich bitch, but they’ve subverted that so well by making her repentantly compassionate. (The ensemble is so wonderful it’s hard to believe this is Camila Mendes’s first TV role.) Instead of fighting with Betty Cooper for Archie’s affections, they’re an awesome friend duo. Prototypical all-American girl next door (which could mean something very different depending on where you go in the US) Betty Cooper gets layers & family drama from having a mom named Alice Cooper who’s not the shock rocker. It’s spider brooch wearing Cheryl Blossom that gets to be the over the top mean girl, but it’s surprising she turned out as well-adjusted given her Gothic upbringing in Thornhill. Josie & the Pussycats give ridiculously awesome concerts, although they can’t top the superlative Josie & the Pussycats movie. Archie Andrews is ostensibly the star yet he remains its least interesting character. He’s also gauche enough to wear a varsity jacket to a wake.
What I am about to tell you may shock delicate sensibilities: I find pizza to be overrated. What’s wore is that both vegetarians & omnivores have found common ground in not shutting up about how great pizza is. As someone that generally avoids the stuff, I found myself improbably intrigued by the commercials for Little Caesar’s smokehouse pizza. It reminded me of the barbacoa pizza I had at Telepizza. The problem was the nearest Little Caesar’s is over an
owl hour away.
Eventually, I did find an excuse to be in the neighborhood. Do all Little Caesar’s resemble fortified bank lobbies without tables on the inside? Due to the lack of seating & scenery, I had to drive to the nearest comic book shop & eat it in my car like some kind of criminal! (Do criminals often eat pizza in cars? I only ask because what I don’t know about crime could fit in a phone book. Meanwhile what I don’t know about cars could fit in two.) It was delicious! The three barbecued meats (brisket, bacon, & pulled pork) were savory & high quality for the price. I was forced to eat the entire thing by myself! I didn’t know Big Moe Cason was a person before, but now I have reason to implicitly trust him.
A few weeks later, I had another opportunity to pass by a Little Caesar’s. They told me they don’t make the smokehouse pizza anymore. WHAT? Not only did the commercial fail to mention this concoction was a limited time offer, it wasn’t even available for a full two months? This comes on the heels of Blimpie’s & Wendy’s not reviving their explicitly limited offer BBQ pork items. Why is it so difficult for fast food restaurants to keep pulled pork on the menu? There aren’t any chains that specialize in it, so you’d think one of these trial runs would be a grand slam.
Of course the most agonizing of limited edition edibles remains the McDonald’s shamrock shake. This year was even worse because they added an array of mint-chocolate drinks with it & didn’t haven enough STRAWs to go around. (Will they have enough Frorks for Cinco de Mayo?) McDonald’s knows there’s an insane demand for these, so why only make them available around St. Patrick’s Day? They’ve got over forty years worth of market research to show it’s popular enough to keep around. Why does McDonald’s only want my patronage in the spring? I WANT TO DRINK MINTY THINGS ALL YEAR!
So let’s dive right back into fantasy! Since my last entry was thoroughly Marvel-centric, this week’s topic will be DC-focused. Except when I write about about other things. I still insist I have a topic.
One of my favorite bits about Legends of Tomorrow season two is how much the team isn’t a well oiled machine. It’s not that they’re terribly incompetent; it’s just that they’re still not used to working with each other. Not only does this prevent the team of superpowered specialists from seeming automatically unbeatable, it allows for more humor & dynamic character interactions.
All of Heatwave’s dialogue in the cliche-ridden “Shogun” was solid fried gold! (“League of Assassins, class of ’09,” was the the only memorable competition.) Wouldn’t atomizing a real life political figure, Shogun Tokugawa Iemitsu, be the sort of time crime the Legends are supposed to avert?
For a spell during season two of Gotham, Riddler & Penguin were rooming together & singing show tunes adorably as best friends are wont to do. This season upped the queerbait ante by having these two ex-Arkham inmates (DC would make a killing selling Arkham Asylum certificates of sanity signed by Hugo Strange!) be incredibly supportive & tender to each other during Coblepot’s successful mayoral campaign. The ambiguous bromance turned romance when Penguin realized he loves Riddler. I was surprised Gotham made the subtextual homoeroticism text since hooking up two of Batman’s top rogues on prime time TV would be the hugest deal since Korrasami. (I can count who isn’t a murdery bastard in this series on one hand, so another gay villain couple doesn’t seem homophobic in context.) It even looked like Riddler would reciprocate Penguin’s affections … until he stood up the Mayor’s candlelit dinner for a stranger that looks exactly like the ex-girlfriend he killed. GRODD DAMN IT, GOTHAM!
Arkham’s Razor says Kristen Kringle’s dead ringer is Clayface hired by Tabitha to break up Oswald & Ed. Or this Isabella is Kristen’s long lost twin who is going to be the show’s quasi-suicidal take on Bookworm. Wait … Bella & Edward? This is a Twilight riff too?
Hopefully this will just be a short road-bump in Penguin & Riddler being happy together. This show could use a romance that’s healthy, stable, & Gordon-free. Unlike Hannibal Lecter & Will Graham, Penguin & Riddler would be a mainstream gay pairing that’s not toxic as Hell. (Hannibal was fantastic show, but that relationship was monstrously abusive.) I am worried they’ll use a woman-shaped plot contrivance to turn these best buddies into bitter enemies. Don’t you dare ruin this, Gotham!