Vindicating The Vox Populi!

The readers have spoken! But before I reveal which of the three The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose paintings YOU picked, I’m going to sidetrack with my guest appearance on The Wages of Cinema podcast (I came up with the name for it) in which I discuss Avengers: Age of Ultron with Jack Gattanella, Andrew Birchenough, & Korey Hughes for an hour. If you hate reading, now you can hear me nitpick!:

I forgot to mention during the podcast that another big gripe I had is that Klaw’s ship is anchored at “the African coast.” Um, all of the continent’s perimeter is coast. At least pick a map orientation to narrow it down slightly. I thought we were past the Geography Fail of acting like Africa is a country by this point.

So last week, I asked you which The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose painting you wanted to see next based on the incredibly vague working titles “Theft,” “Pursuit”, & “Pounce.” The winner by a near unanimous vote was … “POUNCE!” I want to give a special thanks to the commenteers of The Mary Sue & the Unstable Molecules forum of UXN for helping me with my indecision. They are lovely folks with good taste. So, without further ado, here is a photo of a painting that’s not necessarily named “Pounce!”

s3This is actually the first painting I made for The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose. Note that it does not contain the eponymous lead character anywhere. Instead it features supporting character Stephfi the Marauderatrix battling a Manticore. Motivational speakers say “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I was disappointed in the shortage of warrior women fighting Manticores in our culture. So I wrote it into a novel & painted a picture of it.

The best part about making my own artwork for the book is that I don’t need to worry about other artists mistranslating the scenes I envisioned in my head. This was particularly important for Stephfi because her outfit is much more unique than Brother Banenose’s standard Franciscan monk habit. Her chainmail bellyshirt & skirt are a nod to Red Sonja’s notorious chainmail bikini. But unlike most depictions of Red Sonja, Stephfi is obviously a physical powerhouse. This costume is still very impractical to fight in (unless you draw upon the power of the uterus) but intentionally so because the book is full of comedic absurdities. The Marauder men wear even less clothing & appear in other paintings for the pleasure of your objectification.

When I reread the chapter for details to include, I realized that Stephfi  was wearing a disguise during this scene. I wasn’t about to paint a baggy robe over her after all the work I put into it, but I did include part of her robe at the bottom. Now the issues was that the painting was an inaccurate representation of the story. I would be a hypocrite to take such a large creative license with my own book. So I rewrote the chapter with Stephfi casting off her robe right before this moment. And that’s how you abuse power to solve problems the lazy & lateral way!

I’m considering adding a Facebook or Disqus plugin for the comments. Or are you in favor of sticking with the standard WordPress comments section? Let me know what you’d prefer. Until next week, you can post inquiries about my novel or paintings underneath.


I Want You To Want To Read Me!

Hola, faithful readers from a variety of nations! I realize that there are scads of blogs competing for your attention, but you’ve chosen (for the moment) to read mine. I’m honored!* It feels like I’m writing in an echo chamber, however, because I haven’t received many comments from people like you. I’d chalk up the silence to “you’re doing everything right; no need for us to interrupt,” but I’m not sure I’m that egotistical. So I’m looking for your feedback on how I can ensure Matt The Catania: Almost Clever! is a blog you’d like to continue reading.

I’ve come across plenty of blogs where the author has a very focused mission statement:

“I love writing/photography/cooking/acting/gardening/fencing/taxidermy/etc.! I think about it 24/7! Whenever I’m unable to do this specific activity, life  loses all its value!”

I feel somewhat aberrant in comparison because I don’t have one overwhelming passion. Instead I possess a diversified array of obssessions because I want to be a dilettante when I grow up. Do you, however, have a preference for me to focus on specific topics rather than others?

As you may have already noticed, I sometimes write things. I’ve even been paid to do this. making me a professional writer. While I’m not going to post a full length novel here, I think I could manage the occasional short story. I do poetry for glory. Are you interested in more behind the scenes peeks at articles I’ve written for Topless Robot, io9, & Legal As She Is Spoke? Is there a particular format or topic you’d like me to cover? Are my musings too verbose or too succinct?

I like making movies, but unfortunately there won’t be many of my own here. This is simply because I don’t personally own filmographic equipment & it takes lots of people working together to make something worth watching. I can show you various videos I’ve cameoed in for friends. I may even make a guest appearance in one of your films if you ask! Otherwise I have plenty of anecdotes about FILLER! That’s what everybody needs, right?

Consuming culture is another thing that I do. Afterwards I analyze it. So I could critique novels, comic books, TV shows, & movies for you. The problem is that there are already so many outlets that already do that. I’d have to think of a unique way to make my rambling reviews radically relevant from the rest. Do you have any suggestions.

I’m an avid action figure aficionado. I’m even customized some. I’ve also built model kits. Would you be interested in me posting digital photographs of those here? I also  provide many cat & vacation snaps as alternatives.


Nightcrawler has ported in to break up all the text. (Why can’t he just wear his classic costume in the movies since they’ve established he has the same circus background as the comics? Or have velvety blue fur instead of weirdly elaborate scars?) Do you like these sorts of things? Have you ever been compelled to share these “memes” about on The Interwuzzle? Also, do you prefer having to click on really long posts to see the entirety or would you rather they take up as much of the front page as needed?

Most of my art is done with pencil or paint. Do you like to see planning sketches or just finished pieces? Next week I’d like to discuss another painting for The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose. I have three paintings in various stages of completion & three that are ready for viewing. Based on these extremely vague titles, which would you prefer me blog about next?
1. theft
2. pursuit
3. pounce

So tell me in the comments section below (or on my Fan Page or The Twitter) how I can provide content that’s more relevant to your interests. Even one reader’s comment can shape the course of this blog! Will it be yours?

*”HONOR!” is a registered trademarked of Prince Zuko


“She Wants To Kill You, DICK!”

That remains my favorite line delivery in Batman & Robin.



 As foreshadowed a fortnight ago, here are my Robin entries from the Topless Robot contest. These include the various underage vigilantes that have acted as Robin as well as the identities they assumed afterwards. However did you survive the agony of waiting an extra week to see them?

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“I Don’t Know About You, Miss Kitty, But I Feel So Much Punnier!”

This headline is false. There are no puns herein.

A month ago, Topless Robot held a contest to win a Robin or Catwoman t-shirt by making a meme about either. The directions specifically noted that any iteration of these characters were fair game & there was no limit on entries until the deadline. I didn’t actually want either shirt, but I was a bit disappointed in the variety of images selected by the other contestants. So I did what any sane person would do & spent an entire weekend making Robin & Catwoman memes. Never let it be said I don’t have my priorities in order!

So here are more memes made by me. Rather than make this super-duper long, I’m dividing the Robin & Catwoman entries into separate posts. The Catwoman memes are up first BECAUSE SHE’S CATWOMAN!

Click onward to view virtually vandalized visuals of a mildly diverting nature with intermittent joke-ruining commentary!



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Now See The Movie That Has A Cameo By The Book You Can’t Read Yet!

Back in 2011, I entered The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose into Amazon’s CreateSpace Breakthrough Novel Contest. It proceeded to not win. As a consolation prize, Amazon gave me physical copy of my book for free. I got to design my own cover for it too, although it’s not as grand as one I would like for the mass market version.  I really want the book to be bound in leather with gold lettering for that Folio Society effect. If I’m going to be delusional, I might as well have delusions of grandeur. But the important thing was that I now have a limited edition of the book I wrote!

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As fate would have it, Jack Gattanella (with whom I had previously worked with on FILLER!) was putting together his first feature film, Green Eyes, around the same time. I kept pestering him that he should include my spiffy new book in the movie, especially as he & his wife, Korey Hughes, had already been forced to read it. After much cajoling, he finally consented. He invited me to play a guest for the party scene. For the most part, I can be seen passed out on the couch clutching The Dolorous Adventure of Banenose, because who goes to parties to socialize anyway? I am further notable for my bootleg Multiple Man (sometime mistaken for Irish Thor) shirt.

For one sequence, Jack had me sit up on the couch next to star Audrey Lorea whilst she has a conversation with someone else & then departs. I improved slumping across the newly vacant sofa space & asking the other actress “Did I ever tell you about THE TIME?” Jack laughed, so I continued to do this for the rest of the takes.

Jack needed extras for a club scene, so I volunteered for a second day of filming. This time I was wearing the Canadian sweatshirt I’d recently acquired  in Winnipeg but without my book. I did, however, write “THE DOLOROUS ADVENTURE OF BROTHER BANENOSE” on the bar’s whiteboard as if it’s also the name of a band that has a gig there. I’m not sure if it’s visible in the final cut, but the implication is that Green Eyes is set in an alternate reality where The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose is already A Thing.

I didn’t see Green Eyes until Jack held a premiere party for it in NYC in 2013. Unfortunately, “Did I ever tell you about THE TIME?” was nowhere to be heard in the final cut. There is also a scene where the leads discuss an unjacketed book & remark “Yeah, that wizard was pretty crap.” I was gobsmacked because this would’ve been the ideal scene to showcase The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose. I would’ve lent him the book for that day of filming had I known this was going to happen in the movie (I wasn’t privy to the screenplay).

Although perhaps it’s for the best that The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose didn’t have its closeup in that scene. The wizard in my book is an Anubis baboon & is therefore incapable of being crap. It also has a witch as its stealth protagonist (or antagonist, depending on your perspective) who is responsible for much of the story’s propulsive action. I wouldn’t want prospective readers in the audience to be turned off by an inaccurate remark about it.

The important thing is that I still appear in the film! I’m credited as “Dolorous Adventure Man” even though you wouldn’t notice the book was in the movie if I hadn’t just told you. Not only that, but you now purchase your own copy of Green Eyes for your viewing pleasure! You can make a (drinking?) game of looking for me & other FILLER! cast members. Get clicking on this link with your piggy bank at the ready! Amazon is even offering it at a discount off its already reasonable price. You can’t afford not to add Green Eyes to your DVD collection! It’s like owning a piece of history you didn’t even need to liberate from from a museum.

And that’s the secret origin of how I got The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose a licensing placement in a feature film without having a publishing deal!

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Whose cat has four thumbs & has a special Interwuzzle gig coming up this weekend? This Saturday, March 28, I will be guest blogging at io9! Feel free to stop by & gawp at the potential swath of devastation I leave in my wake.

P. S. Did I ever tell you about THE TIME?

Shameless Cross-Promotion!

Well I’ve broken my oath twice in as as many weeks. Just don’t expect semiweekly content from here on out. This instance was born out a timing necessity to maximize synergy.

If you remember from the introduction, sometimes I write content for Topless Robot. Today my latest daily list,  “The Top 10 Movies That Were Basically Uncredited Superhero Comic-Book Adaptations,” was published. It’s my twenty-fifth piece for the site. So this will be me writing an online article about another online article I wrote because this Amphisbaena has already converted itself into a hoop. Here’s the URL in case you’d rather not click the previous hyperlink for some strange reason:

The site’s editor, Luke Thompson,  greenlit  this article after I pitched it to him at the beginning of January. I originally titled it “The Top Ten Stealth Superhero Movies.” My first draft didn’t have an entry on The Matrix = The Invisibles because there had already been a few articles that covered this thoroughly. It’s the platonic ideal of my listicle’s thesis, however, so I made it the bonus eleventh entry. In revising the article, I copied & pasted some of the entries around, inadvertently leaving two #7’s & no #4. Numbers: HOW DO THEY WORK? I also misspelled Aza Chorn. I’m usually better at proofreading. I can’t discuss much of the response to the article because people are still commenting on it, but I am surprised that Unbreakable has fans.

Do you want to know more?

I Don’t Know What I’m Doing, So It Must Be Art!

Welcome to Week Two of Matt The Catania! I hope you survive the experience! Since my last post, the site has gone green: Erin go bragh & eco-friendly!

The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose is a book I’ve been working on for years. It’s a Medieval fantasy comedy in twenty-three chapters & an appendix about the humorous misadventures of a 14th Century Franciscan monk named Brother Banenose. Here, let me paint you a picture:

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Yes, in addition to writing the novel, I’ve also illustrated parts of it. This particular scene comes straight from the first chapter. This is a book that wastes none of your time in getting to to nocturnal cleaver assaults! Isn’t that what you came here for? The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose is all thriller no filler! (Unless you really like FILLER!, in which case I rescind the previous boast.)

I am a staunch proponent of novels having pictures in them. I don’t understand how society decided that pictures are only fit for children’s books. They’re an extra bastion against seas of of anarchic readers mis-imagining the author’s words. How can authors be so arrogant as to assume their words will be sufficient brainwashing? Doesn’t the literary world realize that if readers are encouraged to use their own imaginations to supplement novels they’ll eventually just dream up free entertainment for themselves causing the fall of Capitalism as we know it? That’s how post-apoctalyptic dystopias happen!

So I hope to include some artwork when The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose is published for mass consumption. (It has been known to cause madness in the beta-readers I foisted it upon. For the sake of marketing, let’s call that a feature.) I have four paintings completed with a fifth in progress. (Are you interested in seeing the preliminary sketches or just the final pieces?) Unfortunately the canvases are all larger than my scanner bed. Any suggestions of where I can get high quality scans of them done? If given the choice would you prefer to see the book embellished with only paintings, only drawings, or a combination of both?

That’s all for now. Bring some friends along next time.