So there’s no through-line to this week’s blog! You like hearing anecdotes about my glossy-pelted kitty, right? Someone in the neighborhood honked their horn during my cat’s lunch, & she immediately left her meal to go to the door as if she expected her ride had arrived.
I found dirty footprints on my kitchen floor. The prints had four toes, but my cat has six. DUN DUN DUN! Is my kitty clever enough to disguise her footprints or has some normal-toed feline gotten into the house?
My brother-in-law said there’s no value in a conversation about whether my cat looks like King Kong:
Mentally superimpose a helicopter over the mouse.
Welcome to the first blog after our one hundredth! It’s also the last I’ll be writing this year. We’re almost out of 2016! At first I thought people were overreacting about how bad 2016 was, but the year wore me down too. Even my first publisher went belly up. This is specifically not a retrospective post, however, because the year hasn’t finished yet.
To the future we must point our gaze! The big question is now whether 2016 will be slain by the greenery of 2017 or will this year snuff itself out? Good riddance to 2016! Welcome, 2017!* Now I’ll use the metaphor of annual death & rebirth to segue into an iZombie & X-Men mashup that loses its mirth if you analyze it within the bounds of either fandom.
Both Anna Paquin & Rose McIver were in The Piano!
By the time you read this, 2016 SDCC will be happening. (It might even be over, if you choose not to read it while on queue for Hall H as the headline suggests.) Thank you for accidentally clicking on a link to my blog while you’re at the con! I’m not there myself, so this will mostly be reacting to preview night stuff & furiously updating as news is released on publication day. The more thorough armchair coverage will be up next week (will Marvel continue to troll X-Men fans?), but do stick around for exclusive photos of my cat tormenting a mouse.
It’s that time of year again to vote for the next Star Wars Black fan choice figure! How is Mara Jade the lowest polling of the lot? She’s even doing worse than Dengar, & he’s legitimutantly terrible! You have until this Friday at noon Pacific to make this right.
There’s going to be a King Shark BAF! It even has alternate heads so you can make it from The F-Lash TV show or New 52’s Suicide Squad comic. Jawsome! Too bad the Mattel figures it comes packed with still aren’t up to DC Collectibles’ snuff. The amount of Frank Miller toys is disturbing, but The Reaper looks tempting with its Eiko Ishioka vibe. (How does proto-Phantasm take his mitts off?) Good on them for finally giving Wonder Woman some attention to tie into her movie, even if it means they’re wasting plastic on her mercifully short-lived costume with Azrael vambraces & a suggestively-framing V-loincloth.
Speaking of DCC, its pinup-inspired Bombshells are expanding into the world of toys. I love the deranged look on Bombshells Wonder Woman’s face! Its manic joy is the anti-grimdark. Now this is a Wonder Woman that should be played by Abbi Jacobson!
The “shameless self promotion” tag gets a lot of use around these parts. I have to pimp my own wares each post (making the tag slightly superfluous) because I’m nowhere near to being a bestselling household name. What you may not realize is that I consider myself an antisocial introvert. For Christmas, my sister gave me The Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer. I took the doughnuts & read it. (Or did I take the flower, as I gave her a Totoro sweater in exchange?) It’s an intriguing autobiography, especially if you dig her music & are in a creative field.
After reading her book, I now feel less awkward about asking for your much appreciated support. If you’ve already read The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose, I need you to rate & review it on Amazon, GoodReads (vote it into Listopia too), Barnes & Noble, & anywhere else. Recommend it to your pals directly! Even sharing these blog posts on social media is a boon. Booktrope’s marketing budget for this tome has already been exhausted, so I am dependent upon positive word of mouth for visibility. We may not know each other very well yet, but my career is in your hands. Any readership you can direct my way whilst I’m looking for new freelancing opportunities (hit me up with tips & commissions, please) & working on the next project will be most helpful. You’ll not only be supporting me but all of the team members that made my debut novel happen. Thank you very much in advance.
Now who wants to hear about television imitating my life most suspiciously? GET OUT OF MY HEAD, TV!
I began 2016 with a quite the popular post. Some people even agreed with it! So Star Wars: The Force Awakens is something people care about? I’m now bracing for readership to nosedive this article for lack of Star Wars content. Thanks to all the readers who’ve returned regardless.
Read Cain S. Latrani’s review of The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose! It’s ridiculously flattering to both me & the book I foisted upon an unsuspecting world. (Watch this space for my review of Cain’s book.) He obviously put way too much effort into that post. There may be some light spoilers, but maybe I haven’t been giving you enough book info myself. (What specific things about the novel do I still need to cover here?) He’s got an outsider perspective on the book, so his take on it will undoubtedly be more useful to you than mine. Hopefully something in his review will make you realize it’s what your bookshelf has been missing all these years.
Getting reviews is refreshing, which is why I want to see more from strangers like you! What did you think of my book? How can I make my next one even better for you? Constructive feedback is crucial to ensuring that my next magnum opus is worthy of slaughtering a forest of criminal trees.
Now that The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose has been successfully published, I’ve unilaterally decided my difficult second novel will be horror, which may be a completely arbitrary decision based on my approach to genre so far.
Warwick Davis is going to be in Star Wars: The Force Awakens! Maybe he’s reprising the role of Wicket again? I’d be infinitely more excited for this overhyped movie if the marketing included Wicket. Of course now I’m worried that Ewoks may only be in it so the Empire 2.0 can wipe them out to cheaply establish its badassery in the eyes of those wrongheaded people who loathe Ewoks. THIS WILL NOT STAND!
Anti-Ewokites somehow cannot process that Ewoks are probably the galaxy’s most fearsome species. Not only are they cunning carnivorous hunters, the natural resources of Endor that comprise their rudimentary weapons are far stronger than the Empire’s high tech tools like AT-ST’s. Had the Rebel Alliance deployed Ewoks to eradicate the remaing Imperial outposts, they wouldn’t have to worry about the inaccurately named First Order. Now a movie about Ewoks slaughtering their way across the cosmos in the honor of C-3PO (whose evokes a transliteration of the Cyrillic spelling of USSR, CCCP) would be game changer with plenty of potential moral ambiguity. They’d still sing yub-jub songs with their Woklings in wicker baskets around bonfires of their enemies for maximum adorability though. Also, by Episode VII I expect at least Princess Kneesaa to have become a lightsaber-wielding Jedi. Might Ewoks be an even more invasive species than cane toads? The only way Ewoks could be more terrifying is if they were vampires, which is where COUNT EWOKULA comes in! Remember, the hoodless Ewok must not be seen in public even if it’s already wearing a baller Spawn cape.
Why must Stormtrooper helmets be so hard to draw?
Speaking of diminutive aliens, I was recently informed that Jawas are rodents underneath their wraps. This is retcon from the prequel era, which explains why it’s not in my xenobiology reference material library. It’s also pretty uninspired. I always thought Jawas & Tusken Raiders came out of the wombs with organic bandages for epidermis as if they’re living mummies, which is oxymoronic. I refuse to update my headcanon because it’s superior to Lucasfilm apocrypha.
Now if you read all the way to the end of this post, I’ll treat you to not one but two DC on TV memes!
Remember back when I showed you the painting that would part of the cover? Well now i can finally reveal the finished front! Click below to see it unveiled in all its splendor! Of course if you’ve been directed here via social media, you’ve probably already been spoiled. But click onward anyway because I wrote some more stuff afterwards.