Valerian & The City Of Atomic Blonde!

With Marvel & DC’s cinematic rivalry on hold until November, we can turn our attention to film adaptions of indie comic books: Valerian & The City Of A Thousand Planets & Atomic Blonde. These two motion pictures share other commonalities too: I’ve not read either source material yet, John Goodman’s voice, & neither is doing as well at the box office as I believe they ought to be. If you want more variety in your comic book movies, support these! So (with very minimal spoilers) here’s why you should see both of them in cinemas. (But if you only want Marvel & DC movie tidbits, scroll down to where I discuss Deadpool 2 & Aquaman.)

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Live Every Week Like It’s King Shark Week!

It is with much sadness that I inform you that Umberto Eco has died. He was the king of spinning complex tales out of esoteric trivia. The Name of the Rose was a major inspiration for The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose. I regret that I was unable to gift him with a signed copy. Foucault’s Pendelum & The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana also come highly recommended from me to you. Umberto Eco will live on in his books.

“Until then I had thought each book spoke of the things, human or divine, that lie outside books. now I realized that not infrequently books speak of books: it is as if they spoke among themselves. In the light of this reflection, the library seemed all the more disturbing to me. It was then the place of a long, centuries-old murmuring, an imperceptible dialogue between one parchment and another, a living thing, a receptacle of powers not to be ruled by a human mind, a treasure of secrets emanated by many minds, surviving the death of those who had produced them or had been their conveyors.”

Matt-Catania

Classified dossier stolen from Mission: Authors Talk About It.

Listen to my interview with Mission: Authors Talk About It:

I’d previously spoken with Drs. Rob & Janelle Alex for their other podcast, Mission: Date Night, but this is a brand new interview with different insights into the book. For instance, we discuss the naming of things!

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Deadpool Does SEO Wonders!

The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose is now on NetGalley! At least for a month, but remember February is short even in Leap Year. So I reckon thirty days from its posting date gives you until March 6, 2016. If you’re a book blogger, go request it now!

This blog has finally surpassed 10,000 visitors! I also found out how to slap book quotes onto inspirational photos. Behold my first attempt!

pablo (1)

 Which quotes from The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose would you like to see get this treatment next?

Hey did you hear about this Deadpool movie?

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Count Ewokula Bids You An Es-Poo-Kay Samhain!

Now that The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose has been successfully published, I’ve unilaterally decided my difficult second novel will be horror, which may be a completely arbitrary decision based on my approach to genre so far.

Warwick Davis is going to be in Star Wars: The Force Awakens! Maybe he’s reprising the role of Wicket again? I’d be infinitely more excited for this overhyped movie if the marketing included Wicket. Of course now I’m worried that Ewoks may only be in it so the Empire 2.0 can wipe them out to cheaply establish its badassery in the eyes of those wrongheaded people who loathe Ewoks. THIS WILL NOT STAND!

Anti-Ewokites somehow cannot process that Ewoks are probably the galaxy’s most fearsome species. Not only are they cunning carnivorous hunters, the natural resources of Endor that comprise their rudimentary weapons are far stronger than the Empire’s high tech tools like AT-ST’s. Had the Rebel Alliance deployed Ewoks to eradicate the remaing Imperial outposts, they wouldn’t have to worry about the inaccurately named First Order. Now a movie about Ewoks slaughtering their way across the cosmos in the honor of C-3PO (whose evokes a transliteration of the Cyrillic spelling of USSR, CCCP) would be game changer with plenty of potential moral ambiguity. They’d still sing yub-jub songs with their Woklings in wicker baskets around bonfires of their enemies for maximum adorability though. Also, by Episode VII I expect at least Princess Kneesaa to have become a lightsaber-wielding Jedi. Might Ewoks be an even more invasive species than cane toads? The only way Ewoks could be more terrifying is if they were vampires, which is where COUNT EWOKULA comes in! Remember, the hoodless Ewok must not be seen in public even if it’s already wearing a baller Spawn cape.

COUNT EWOKULA

COUNT EWOKULA

Why must Stormtrooper helmets be so hard to draw?

Speaking of diminutive aliens, I was recently informed that Jawas are rodents underneath their wraps. This is retcon from the prequel era, which explains why it’s not in my xenobiology reference material library. It’s also pretty uninspired. I always thought Jawas & Tusken Raiders came out of the wombs with organic bandages for epidermis as if they’re living mummies, which is oxymoronic. I refuse to update my headcanon because it’s superior to Lucasfilm apocrypha.

Now if you read all the way to the end of this post, I’ll treat you to not one but two DC on TV memes!

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Fetch Me More Sharks That I Might Jump Them!

“Fetch me more sharks that I might jump them!” I’ve retroactively decided that was my motto whilst writing The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose. In other words, I embraced absurdity like I was the novelty vacation magnet to its refrigerator. (Yes, there’s still a plot & emotional throughlines but we’ll get to them in another blog with less focus on wackiness.)

So I was a bit nervous when I received the edits back on the book. I didn’t personally know my editor, Majanka Verstraete, so she was under no social obligation to humor me about its quality. I was also concerned that there might be a language barrier between her & the jokes. Would ninety percent of the text be struck through in crimson with foreign expletives in the comment balloons?

So when I finally psyched myself up to read through the edits, I was pleasantly surprised to find her notes clear & helpful. There were no calls to massively overhaul the story. The most common revisions she suggested were to cut down on the adverbs & exclamation marks. I personally don’t understand the modern dislike for adverbs as the succinctly describe how actions are performed, but I’m not going to argue with someone who’s had more books published than me. Many of the gratuitous exclamation marks survived, however, as I come from a nation that undervalues subtlety! I also made a few superfluous adjustments like changing the occupations of background characters that nobody will care about besides me.

So it’s probably for the best that the major publishing houses didn’t return my calls. I would’ve most likely been assigned to an editor whose professional advice would be to gut the idiosyncrasy out of it, incinerate it, & scatter the remnants across the globe so it’d be even harder for them to reconstitute. I think there was a vampire metaphor at the end, but the hypothetical result would be to turn it into the book equivalent of a zombie, which has an even larger cultural cache than vampires so long as they’re completely removed from the original Haitian concept of zombies. Luckily Booktrope allowed me to pick an editor who let me me keep it kooky! Ms. Verstraete is my new favorite editor!

So you’re still getting a weird book! Hooray for you! Now let’s see if it survives proofreading…

ojdn9

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