Great Disturbances In The Force

Colin Trevorrow has been booted from Untitled Star Wars Sequel: Episode IX. People who’ve had the misfortune of seeing The Book of Henry tell me this is fantastic news. (That’s not to say there isn’t a deep pool of worse directors they can plug into this too big to fail conclusion.) He’s the fourth director (Remember Josh Trank’s aborted Boba Fett film?) to be let go by Disney’s Lucasfilm. WB gets dissed for its DC plans being in a state of apparent entropy, but obviously this phenomenon is not exclusive. If fans are going to come to Lucasfilm’s defense for trying to right the mega-franchise ship to avoid cinematic icebergs, maybe grant WB/DC some of that courtesy too? Or rag on them both?

 Michael K. Williams’s performance has been cut from A Star Wars Story: Untitled Han Solo Film (Why isn’t it just Han Solo?) because he couldn’t fit extensive reshoots into his packed schedule. Rather than axe the character completely, replacement director Ron Howard has replaced him with Paul Bettany in the quickest instance of whitewashing. I’m hoping this half-animal character is a Selonian because Han Solo punching a giant otter in the tummy is actually something I’d like to see. At least he’s going full nepotism by giving Clint Howard a role so he can be in both of the big Star franchises.  If Rogue One can be a non-swashbuckling war movie, why wouldn’t Lucasfilm let Lord & Miller make this a comedy? Millennial Falcon & Red Letter Media deserve some Imperial credits for cracking the screenplay. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

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Toys & Trailers of SDCC 2017!

Thanks for choosing my blog to absorb your armchair SDCC 2017 coverage from! SDCC remains the statistically safest place to avoid comic book news. As someone who has been to San Diego Comic Con ONCE, you can count on me! After all, my SDCC prediction from last week came true! Lots of stuff happened, so I will do my best to ignore that thing you actually wanted to read about! Click on down because we’ve got the bait!

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Spider-Man: Homecoming Is Fun Yet Not Definitive

And we’re back! I don’t always appear in photographs, but when I do I make the the front page of the July 3rd Chronicle Herald metro edition.

Oh, they made another Spider-Man reboot movie? Andrew from The Wages of Cinema told me I was required to see it with them for color commentary podcasting. He has a very menacing stare!

Websling on down for a SPOILER spectacular! THWIP!

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Turn Up The Snark For Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark!

Matt the Catania is going on hiatus while its author goes on a research sabbatical for his difficult second novel. We’re not sure when publication will resume, but if you’re following the blog by email or social media (click that heart icon up top), you’ll be the first to know. Also, Jenny “Millennial Falcon” Nicholson noticed me!

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In honor of the forthcoming Spider-Man: Homecoming, I shall leave you with an  incredibly timely review of the Broadway classic Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark!

I SURVIVED SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK! Seriously, we had to drive home through a blizzard on Boxing Day 2010. I pushed a Ford Focus out of a snowy parking lot & navigated by sticking my head out the passenger window. So here’s the spoiler free review: On the WTF? scale of 1-10, the musical was a solid 14. SPOILERS for a musical that’s been closed for years!!!

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Who’s Ready For Spider-Man Fatigue?

The trailer for Black Panther is awesome, even if his tweaked costume still isn’t gold-accented. Contrariwise, the more buzz I hear for Spider-Man: Homecoming, the less I’m excited for it.  The final poster is not good. The Vulture’s personality & gear seems more suited to Beetle. (It seems likely Hannah John-Kamen will be the Janice Lincoln version in Ant-Man & the Wasp. Does that mean Tombstone will appear too?) Zendaya is playing an existing character under an alias as if the reveal of her true identity is supposed to be some dramatic surprise? There’s already too much Iron Man in his ugly Ultimates armor. The bastards broke seven LEGO Death Stars just for one gag.

Now Spider-Man’s suit greets him by announcing his secret identity. This is a huge design flaw that could’ve been easily avoided. The new moral is that Spidey must show great responsibility to prove himself worthy of the Stark’s high-tech clothing? (If Sony & Marvel could’ve shared Venom too, this would be a better opportunity to set up that spinoff movie. Tom “No one cared who I was until I put on the symbiote.” Hardy starring as Venom is exciting casting that would’ve been even better if TDKR’s Bane was on Venom, but apparently his solo movie won’t tie-in with the MCU Spidey’s adventures to the detriment of both studios.) I still don’t like either of his costumes that carried over from IMvCA: DoV. The one in the upcoming Playstation video game is more appealing for trying something new instead of being an inferior copy of the classic suit compared to Raimi’s trilogy & Amazing Spider-Man 2.

I have such Spidey fatigue that I don’t know if I even want to see it in cinema. I didn’t even watch the last two in theatres because they lacked J. Jonah Jameson, & this cashgrab is making the same mistake (unless that’s who Zendaya’s secret identity is). On the other paw, I’m sure a review will appeal to more readers than a Sisyphean blog trying to make my toils at writing a difficult second novel sound fascinating. (I just typed up the chapter where a vintage MechaGodzilla model is built! I kinda feel like I should quit while I’m ahead.) Can I run a very timely review of Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark instead? Maybe I’ll watch it but buy another ticket to GOTG 2 or Wonder Woman at the box office. What say you?

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Sara Lance & The Raiders Of The Legendary Spear!

Legends of Tomorrow is the most improved DC TV show, but I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say it’s the best. It’s still too inconsistent. But when it’s fun, like the last few season two episodes I’m about to SPOIL, it’s very fun!

After being naively sporting with the fate of reality at stake, I really appreciated the Legends taking the initiative to steal the rest of the Holy Lance Spear of Destiny from the misnomered Legion of Doom’s lair. Firestorm transmuting its obelisk safe into jellybeans was keen! Too bad Reverse-Flash didn’t do a full table flip!

When it was revealed that Christ’s blood could nullify its powers, the show got very close to breaking the fourth wall. Sara Lance: “So we can just go back to the Crucifixion to end this threat to all reality with some fresh Jesus blood?” Rip Hunter: “Wow, the writers didn’t think this Biblical plot device through. We absolutely cannot go back to an established historical event to depower this touched relic lickety-split! Can you imagine how many angry letters we’d get? We’re already borderline sacrilegious enough as it is!”

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“My new codename will take you to the bank , Mr. Thawne. To THE BLOOD BANK!”

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The Future Is Bad For You

If you’re reading this, congratulations on having survived 2016! Let’s all begin our venture through 2017 with low expectations! After all, 2017 is the year of The Running Man. They say to be the change you want to see in the world, so this year I’m having myself drawn & quartered!

Some good news is that both my 2016 views & visitor stats markedly increased over 2015’s, though WordPress hasn’t sent me a qualitative analysis like last year. Seeing as how my 2015 tenure was two months shy of of a full year, I’m especially glad the opposite wasn’t true. The most read blog was “Let’s All Ride Deadpool’s Coattails!,” so click through some of my lesser viewed blogs to even things out.  I was going to include a Top Ten Movies of 2016 list since I saw exactly ten movies at the cinema last year, but then I realized my quantitative rankings would be mostly arbitrary.  You’re better off reading my full reviews because they’re made of ambivalence & anhedonia!

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In 2017, don’t be that deranged hermit who shirks his societal responsibilities & criticizes others’ attempts. I already called dibs!

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