Sara Lance & The Raiders Of The Legendary Spear!

Legends of Tomorrow is the most improved DC TV show, but I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say it’s the best. It’s still too inconsistent. But when it’s fun, like the last few season two episodes I’m about to SPOIL, it’s very fun!

After being naively sporting with the fate of reality at stake, I really appreciated the Legends taking the initiative to steal the rest of the Holy Lance Spear of Destiny from the misnomered Legion of Doom’s lair. Firestorm transmuting its obelisk safe into jellybeans was keen! Too bad Reverse-Flash didn’t do a full table flip!

When it was revealed that Christ’s blood could nullify its powers, the show got very close to breaking the fourth wall. Sara Lance: “So we can just go back to the Crucifixion to end this threat to all reality with some fresh Jesus blood?” Rip Hunter: “Wow, the writers didn’t think this Biblical plot device through. We absolutely cannot go back to an established historical event to depower this touched relic lickety-split! Can you imagine how many angry letters we’d get? We’re already borderline sacrilegious enough as it is!”

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“My new codename will take you to the bank , Mr. Thawne. To THE BLOOD BANK!”

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Resident Evil Has Finally Left The Building

Fifteen years later, the Resident Evil film series is finally ending with Resident Evil: The Final Chapter! I’m unduly excited by this momentous event! If you’d prefer to experience it completely unspoiled, scroll past to get to my third in a series of pre-Toy Fair wish lists. Yep, two things that nobody else has been eager for in one big package!

I unilaterally admitted the first Resident Evil to the ranks of the Good Video Game Films along with the original Mortal Kombat & Silent Hill. Rather than attempting a direct adaptation of Capcom’s BioHazard games, it was intended to be a side story running parallel with a unique protagonist, Alice. As sequels progressed, however, more key characters from the game franchise were imported over even though she was an amalgam of their traits. Smushed between Alice & several less memorable new redshirts, the canon ones didn’t have much room to develop. (Claire Redfield & Albert Wesker are the only canon characters in this as Wesker conveniently killed the rest off-screen in ravaged Washington, D.C.) For hardcore fans of the games, watching these movies must be like watching X-Men films are for me.

A key reason why Milla Jovovich’s career revolves around her playing an action heroine is that she’s damn good at it! (I still think she would be more credible as Black Widow than ScarJo.) Unlike Underworld’s stoic Selene, her Alice is allowed a broader range of emotions & vulnerabilities. Her former superpowers have been diminished to standard action movie protagonist levels, but it’s still utterly believable she can wreck anyone. In the the annoying instances when she does have trouble in a fight, I wasn’t sure if the movie didn’t make her foes seem formidable or whether she was just fatigued by all the previous ass-kickings she (& her stunt doubles) handed out. My favorite scene is when Alice (bearing a striking resemblance to Metal Gear Solid’s Meryl Silverberg) gets strung upside-down & still defeats a squad of Umbrella Corp goons.

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Originally slated for 2016, Sony delayed its release until after Inauguration Day.

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2016’s Final Casualty Will Be Itself

Welcome to the first blog after our one hundredth! It’s also the last I’ll be writing this year. We’re almost out of 2016! At first I thought people were overreacting about how bad 2016 was, but the year wore me down too. Even my first publisher went belly up. This is specifically not a retrospective post, however, because the year hasn’t finished yet.

To the future we must point our gaze! The big question is now whether 2016 will be slain by the greenery of 2017 or will this year snuff itself out?  Good riddance to 2016! Welcome, 2017!* Now I’ll use the metaphor of annual death & rebirth to segue into an iZombie & X-Men mashup that loses its mirth if you analyze it within the bounds of either fandom.

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Both Anna Paquin & Rose McIver were in The Piano!

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Collector’s Edition Blog #100!

This is my hundredth blog! I don’t believe it either! Arithmomaniac readers may notice that there’s actually 101 entries on this blog, but I don’t count my reblog of Cain S. Latrani’s review of The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose.  Contrariwise this one is full of my own substantive content! I made it to 100 installments of Matt The Catania in under two years by sometimes posting twice a week. See, I can be productive when there’s no immediate monetary gain! To celebrate this milestone, I’m writing about whatever I damn well please (as opposed to those previous ninety-nine posts)!

The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl is Marvel’s most delightful comic book. In other news, you can describe water in three states. This is a comic book that’s unashamed of making you learn stuff like how to count to thirty-one on each hand. Eventually it will teach me an entire college education’s worth of computer programming at a fraction of the cost! Where else can you get a Choose Your Own Adventure comic about defeating Swarm, the breakout villain of Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark? (Note to self: publish your review of S-M: TOTD while it’s still timely!) Marvel really should’ve put the romance cover to the second #8 (now do you see the folly of constantly cancelling & restarting series?) as the cover for the fourth volume to better match its title, “I Kissed A Squirrel & I Liked It.” (Sadly it lacks Squirrel Girl’s story from Secret Wars: Secret Love.) It, along with Mark Waid’s Daredevil, are the only things that have ever made me care about the Mole Man. Who knew Tricephalous was such a romantic? HawkGuy is the worst, bro!

Squirrel Girl Beats Up The Marvel Universe! thankfully skews closer to Fred Hembeck Destroys the Marvel Universe than Punisher Kills The Marvel Universe. Did you know I was the first customer to get it signed by Erica Henderson & Ryan North the World’s Tallest Torontonian at NYCC? I read it months ago but didn’t review it until now because I don’t being on top of things.

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I asked for the personalization to prevent me from selling it … unless I find someone else named Matt.

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I just wanted proof of the custom inscription, by my cat just had to make herself the center of photographic attention.

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Flash On Point; Arrow Misses Mark

Agents of SHIELD didn’t bother showing up this week, so I can focus on spoiling the DC shows for you. (I will get around to marathonning Luke Cage eventually.) First off, everybody watch Superhero Fight Club 2.0  right now! If you’re not caught up yet on TV, zoom to the end for plenty of  NYCC photos! Maybe let the page load a bit longer than usual if you’ve a slow connection.

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Batfleck Gets Slade!

So Ben Affleck randomly released test footage of Deathstroke on the Twitter. This version of Slade Wilson looks great although, just like with Magneto, I miss his studded gorget. I can’t believe how vibrant the blue, orange, & silver are!

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He’s awful squinty, but odds are it’s Joe “remember when I was Flash Thompson?” Manganiello (who was hinted at for the role while Suicide Squad was being made) … or a random stuntman. It’s been rumored Deathstroke will be the prime antagonist for the solo Batfleck movie that’s not in production yet, so way to spoil the Justice League’s after credits scene, Affleck! Pitting Batman against Slade Wilson is an unorthodox choice, but I’ll embrace it if it spares us more of Jared Leto’s Joker. What if  the Batfleck film is inspired by Beware The Batman, & the big showdown is Deathstroke vs. Alfred Pennyworth?

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Suicide Squad Goals

The difference between Suicide Squad & the Rio Olympics is that the athletes volunteered.

Just as it broke the August box office record set by the superior Guardians of the Galaxy, my really wordy review of Suicide Squad helped me break some of my own records. August 7, 2016 had my highest number of views so far! I’ve also finally exceeded the amount of visitors I had last year. Thank you, highly polarizing movie! (I guess you helped too, Preacher season one review that I posted the same week.) Why must I always get the best exposure when my book isn’t in print?

With the brutal war raging between movie critics & movie makers,WB might as well quote me on the the DVD. “Suicide Squad is perfectly adequate!”

The other news to pop up over the weekend is the apparently terrible music video for Skrillex’s & Rick Ross’s  “Pink Cadillac Purple Lamborghini” starring Jared Leto’s Joker. Leto was cast specifically so his anti-charm would make the protagonists of BVS:DOJ retroactively endearing, so I’m confident in agreeing that it’s a lousy music video without having seen it. I’m not even going to link it because friends don’t let friends witness bad music videos. People who were paid to endure it tell me it’s like “I’m On A Boat” with all the mirth excised. This song is also about the wrong car. He drove a purple Infiniti G35 Vaydor in the movie.

Did you know there’s already plans for a Harley Quinn movie?  On one paw this could be good since it seemed like Harley’s character development wound up mostly on the cutting room floor. On the other paw, I really don’t want more of the Harley & Joker power couple that David Ayer foisted upon us. He completely missed the point of Harley being a fun yet sympathetic villainess in a dysfunctional relationship. Movie Harley was as much of an unrepentant garbage person as the Joker. It’s only when she was separated from him that she displayed any comedic charm. I’d be all aboard this spinoff if they ditched Suicide Squad’s continuity in favor of what Paul Dini intended.

I wish Mattel released all the figures needed to build Killer Croc at the same. I wish more that he was a figure I could just buy instead of being a BAF. (Well there is a better looking DC Collectibles edition on the way but it sadly lacks the option to go shirtless.) But what I wish most is that the main antagonist had an action figure. Where’s Enchantress?

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Prioritize her fancy costume over the grimy one, Mattel & DC Collectibles!

The Joker’s panda henchman got one, & he’s even less of a character than Slipknot! And if Mattel can make not one but but two incredibly banal versions of Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor, surely it can make one Amanda Waller.

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