Oversize Scanners Are Dead! Long Live Oversize Scanners!

After weeks of merely telling you The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose will be published by Booktrope, I now have something to show for it. Feast your eyes on the brand new painting I made for its cover:


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Meet The B-Team!

It’s time for you to meet the international behind-the-scenes team I selected for The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose! I call them the B-Team for short. Not to their faces, of course, because that would hurt morale. So don’t tell them I wrote that. Wait, are they reading this? ABORT BLOG! REPEAT, ABORT BLOG!

To start, Martin Jones is its Proofreader. He’s also the author of Mason Wilson & The Dead Bird Debacle, a quirky Middle Grade mystery-adventure. Although originally from England, he currently resides in Canada. So I’m going to put him down for two countries. He actually was the first to join the team by volunteering as tribute! Here’s why:

“I was attracted to the project simply because the first few pages of the book made me laugh, as did the content of your blog. That was important for two reasons: 1) I like to work on books that I enjoy reading myself, it makes all the difference and 2) if the book made me laugh (and I’m a grumpy, miserable so-and-so :) ) then it will make others laugh too! In this genre, laughs lead to sales. On top of that, I happen to be a medieval history graduate, so I am always drawn to books with this setting, whether comical or not.”

Next I recruited Majanka Verstaete as Editor.  “Well, I was attracted to the project because of the prose, the way the book is being told. Just by reading the first chapter, I knew I was going to like this: the writing style, the humor. Hah, I’m not good at explaining this, but this is what drew me to the project.” Majanka is  also a prolific author. She’s from Belgium, but I won’t hold what Douglas Adams or Martin McDonagh wrote about her homeland against her.

For the Cover Designer, I enlisted USA’s Ashley Ruggirello. She told me, “This sounds right up my alley and I’d love to be involved!” She’s currently hard at work turning one of my paintings into a professional & eye-catching book cover.

Last but not least, Lydia Thomas stepped up as Book Manager. That means she handles marketing and promotions for the book. So contact her if you’re interested in some The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose book signings, interviews, & general synergy.  She also hails from the middle of North America & is the author of The Field. “I was definitely drawn to the humor. I finished reading last night, and the other thing I really liked about it was that you just never knew what was going to come next – it kind of keeps the reader off kilter and hooked at the same time.”

But you don’t have to take the words of people that have a financial stake in my book’s for it! Author and educator Bobby “not the famous chess player” Fischer once said this about an early draft he asked to read: “It’s funny, which may be more important than good.” With any luck, his assessment of the finished Booktrope version will be marginally better!

Having these fine folks working with me to make The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose even more stupendous makes for exciting times. As someone who’s used to handling everything by himself, it’s also terrifying. It’s kind of like being hung in the air by your genitals.

n03ivThank you, actual Paul Bettany quote.


Yes, I specifically mean YOUR bookshelf.

So after years of fruitless querying, I finally have a book deal! The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose will be published … as a book … that you can buy! It has been officially picked up by the indie publishing house Booktrope. I didn’t even need to grovel first. I’m feeling pretty shpadoinkle about this development. Aside from this being grand news for me, here’s why it’s good news for you too:

1. It won’t be self-published. This means that somebody besides me declared “Yes, The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose is a book that ought to be published!” Doesn’t that make you feel much better about reading it in the future? There will also be people with professional experience helping to maintain quality control. This works out well for me because I don’t need to spend money I don’t have up front to get my book published in the offchance that I can sell it directly to enough people to recoup my expenses. Foucault’s Pendulum warned me about that scam. It ends with me having to sleep under a makeshift lean-to composed of unsold copies & carry oversized hobo bindles for me & my cat. Yes, she’s that lazy.

2. It won’t be crowdfunded. My book will not be competing with other projects for your advance patronage. As a semi-recluse, I doubt I know enough people to fund a successful campaign. So if you wanted the book but it didn’t meet its minimum, both of us would remain unsatisfied.  If it did get fully funded, on the other hand, you’d still run the risk of me frittering away your investment on library sale books & action figures instead of production. This also saves me the hassle of creating different rewards tier incentives on top of making & shipping the book itself. Booktrope already has logistics for production & distribution of mind-altering tomes worked out. This reduces the risk of you missing out if you didn’t pre-order before a campaign deadline (because there won’t be one).

3. I’ll still have a lot of input into the final product. Booktrope’s publishing platform provides plenty of freedom to authors. As a first time author, I would not receive the same level of control if a major publisher had the good sense to accept my manuscript. I get to hand select an international team to ferry The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose to completion. It may even remain the comic misadventures of a Medieval monk named Brother Banenose, but that may change drastically once I receive my editor’s notes. I can even include illustrations (provided I figure out a workaround for oversize flatbed scanners being extinct).  So if Booktrope is willing to give me enough rope to hang myself, I’m sure as Hell going to tie an excellent noose!

Booktrope has distribution infrastructure set up with retailers such as Amazon & Barnes & Noble, so it shouldn’t be that difficult to obtain a copy of The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose. The book will be produced in both electromagnetic & carbon based varieties. So far the only downside that I see is that Booktrope does not pay advances to authors to live off before books go to press. I will only be earning my share of its royalties. So I’d greatly appreciate it if you bought a copy or forty-two of The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose when it comes out! They’ll make excellent gifts for everyone you know. I’ll even sign your e-book if you accost me at the supermarket. (Please don’t accost in the supermarket because I’ll scream & it’ll be embarrassing for everyone.)

Special thanks to Cain S. Latrani for getting me in touch with Booktrope. So pick up his forthcoming War Witch: Rise too!

In other recent developments, I’ve also got a new list on Topless Robot this week that you should read because it contains both Rocksteady & Bebop! 10 Reasons why the 2012 TMNT Cartoon Is the Best Version in all Media

Finally, the blog has surpassed the thousand visitors mark this week! Thanks for swinging by! Keep coming back for more as I give updates on the progress of The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose & other stuff I’m working on.


Killer Robots Made Me Late For A Very Important Date

Headlines be damned! It looks like plenty of people are interested in Jemmacide! Last week’s post cleared 100 views in under two days! That’s more than any other post on my humble blog so far. Then it kept getting more views. In less than a week, it’s cracked 300 views, making it over quadruple times more popular than the previous leading post. It’s even surpassed my home page in viewership. If the rest of my articles don’t pull in similar numbers I’m going to be so mad at them! Total viewership of the blog is now north of 1,000. The amount of unique international viewers who’ve visited my blog has just hit 700. So thank you very much to everyone who Shared, Favorited, Retweeted, Liked, or simply clicked on the link for breaking all of my meager records. A very special thanks to the mystery person who searched for “jemmacide marvel comics,” without whose curiosity that rant would’ve never been written.

After all that, I want to see Elizabeth Henstridge become Jemmacide on season three of Agents of SHIELD more than ever. Even if it does happen in some form, it’ll still probably be much less cool than I imagined. After all, I was so pumped when Raina underwent Terragenesis only to be so disappointed when she became even more sidelined than usual. Ruth Negga nabbing a lead in Preacher had better be worth Raina getting fridged. I demand a Marvel Legends Raina action figure with swappable heads in reparation! While I’m making outrageous demands I might as well also request Melinda May, Mockingbird, Sif (armored not incognito), Mr. Hyde, Jiaying, and Jemmacide to go with the Phil Coulson I already have. They’ve got better odds of being made now that Marvel is being so petty about not having the X-Men movie rights.

I’ve already alerted most of the pertinent Agents of SHIELD people about the essay on the Twitter, the preferred social platform for irritating celebrities. It was met with a deafening silence. So it’s either completely right but they can’t confirm it this early, so completely off base they won’t dignify it with a response, or not what they had in mind originally but now they’re scrapping the previous plans to make Jemmacide a reality & ninjas are en route to my home. Occam’s Razor says they just hate me & want to be left alone. It’s up to you to contact your Member of Parliament and demand Jemmacide. Just be absolutely certain you spell her name right. No autocorrect!

Oh, here’s what I was planning to write before I was completely sidetracked by Jemmacide:

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“Ugh, Stop Trying To Make ‘JEMMACIDE’ Happen!”

I hope you’ve seen Avengers: Age of Ultron & Agents of SHIELD’s second season finale because here be SPOILERS! (I know that you really wanted spoilers for The F-Lash season finale. Sorry.)


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“The Mystery of the Missing Moustaches!”

I watched the entire first season of Gotham so you didn’t have to. It has a dopey charm, but watching The F-Lash (it had a whole episode about a psionic gorilla!) would be a better use of your time. I don’t want to tell Gotham how to do its job, but here’s what Gotham needs to fix for season 2:

10 Ways To Fix Gotham For Season 2 

lp5i2This guy knows what I’m talking about.

I guess I need to ramble on to make this post worth your while if you’ve already had my latest Topless Robot list foisted upon you.

This blog has finally received some visitors from Africa! Now all we need is a visitor from Antarctica & all the continents will be covered! Anybody know people in Antarctica?

Not nearly enough of you are using the #SchaalForSquirrelGirl hashtag I invented.

Robert Malmont’s The Chinatown Death Cloud Peril is hardcore pulp. It’s like The League of Extraordinary Writers. Unfortunately the ending has a Deus Ex Machina.

Creators Kurt Busiek & Benjamin Dewey agree with me that Goldfoot of Tooth & Claw: The Autumnlands (it has interspecies lesbians!) sounds like Holly Hunter.

Agents of SHIELD season 2 finale SPOILERS! Cal singing “Daisy Bell” was the finale highlight. Kyle Maclachlan really deserves an Emmy (as do Tatiana Maslany & Tom Cavanagh). I’m so bummed that Raina got killed just to show Quake her mom is evil. I was rooting for her to achieve Peak Supervillainy. Symbiote Simmons’s name should be Jemmacide! I have typed it therefore Jemmacide is canon now!

Vindicating The Vox Populi!

The readers have spoken! But before I reveal which of the three The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose paintings YOU picked, I’m going to sidetrack with my guest appearance on The Wages of Cinema podcast (I came up with the name for it) in which I discuss Avengers: Age of Ultron with Jack Gattanella, Andrew Birchenough, & Korey Hughes for an hour. If you hate reading, now you can hear me nitpick!:

I forgot to mention during the podcast that another big gripe I had is that Klaw’s ship is anchored at “the African coast.” Um, all of the continent’s perimeter is coast. At least pick a map orientation to narrow it down slightly. I thought we were past the Geography Fail of acting like Africa is a country by this point.

So last week, I asked you which The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose painting you wanted to see next based on the incredibly vague working titles “Theft,” “Pursuit”, & “Pounce.” The winner by a near unanimous vote was … “POUNCE!” I want to give a special thanks to the commenteers of The Mary Sue & the Unstable Molecules forum of UXN for helping me with my indecision. They are lovely folks with good taste. So, without further ado, here is a photo of a painting that’s not necessarily named “Pounce!”

s3This is actually the first painting I made for The Dolorous Adventure of Brother Banenose. Note that it does not contain the eponymous lead character anywhere. Instead it features supporting character Stephfi the Marauderatrix battling a Manticore. Motivational speakers say “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I was disappointed in the shortage of warrior women fighting Manticores in our culture. So I wrote it into a novel & painted a picture of it.

The best part about making my own artwork for the book is that I don’t need to worry about other artists mistranslating the scenes I envisioned in my head. This was particularly important for Stephfi because her outfit is much more unique than Brother Banenose’s standard Franciscan monk habit. Her chainmail bellyshirt & skirt are a nod to Red Sonja’s notorious chainmail bikini. But unlike most depictions of Red Sonja, Stephfi is obviously a physical powerhouse. This costume is still very impractical to fight in (unless you draw upon the power of the uterus) but intentionally so because the book is full of comedic absurdities. The Marauder men wear even less clothing & appear in other paintings for the pleasure of your objectification.

When I reread the chapter for details to include, I realized that Stephfi  was wearing a disguise during this scene. I wasn’t about to paint a baggy robe over her after all the work I put into it, but I did include part of her robe at the bottom. Now the issues was that the painting was an inaccurate representation of the story. I would be a hypocrite to take such a large creative license with my own book. So I rewrote the chapter with Stephfi casting off her robe right before this moment. And that’s how you abuse power to solve problems the lazy & lateral way!

I’m considering adding a Facebook or Disqus plugin for the comments. Or are you in favor of sticking with the standard WordPress comments section? Let me know what you’d prefer. Until next week, you can post inquiries about my novel or paintings underneath.