Season Six is Riverdale’s Magic Number!

Sayonara, San Diego! A new age of wonderment is upon us! Riverdale is now all aboard the cuckoo bananas supernatural train! This formerly listless show finally got onto some rails. They may be rails of coke but rails nonetheless. Huzzah for season 6(66)! Sometimes I think the cast deserves hazard pay for reciting their dialogue. The cruel premature cancellation of Legends Of Tomorrow inflicted so much psychic trauma upon me that Riverdale now fills me with excitement rather than ennui. (I’m a very disturbed individual.) Shun the nonbelievers that claim season six jumped the shark! Verily Riverdale finally blossomed into its ideal self. I’m extra mad at seasons four & five sucking so badly that they made viewers quit before this legitimutantly good season.

It’s kind of genius that all the mundane context for these characters was laid out well in advance of the spooky stuff. It’d have to vie for attention if it were horror from the outset. The supernatural storylines feel better less nonsensical than the supposedly realistic ones of seasons past. (I got “Twin Babies Levitating Over a Fire as Part of a Cult Ritual Led by Chad Michael Murray” in the “What Riverdale Subplot Are You?” quiz!) They’re better foreshadowed than the gobbledygook The Flash has been spewing lately too. Now that it’s genuinely supernatural, the kooky character motivations & loopy internal logic actually make more sense. Strap in cause I’ve got fifteen more episodes full of weird mysteries to synopsize. If you bailed earlier, you won’t believe the following are real SPOILERS & not me slowly dying from a gas leak!

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You may also substitute another favorite prematurely cancelled show of your choice. There’s no shortage.

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The Flash Brings Armageddon To Rivervale!

I finally got my obligatory annual cat post out of the way. (Now they tell me the cat blogging tips?) That oughta keep the Meow Mafia off my lap for a little while. Now here’s SPOILERS for how the last four installments of “The Flash: Armageddon” & “Rivervale” transpired plus a bit of bonus Beebo & ZEP!

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She-Hulk Teases Armageddon For The Flash & Rivervale!

The Flash & Riverdale have returned for five part crossover events as the prologues to the rest of their seasons resuming in March! Which will be least comprehensible this season? Meanwhile Disney+ just teased a bunch of Marvel series by making the trailers unavailable to viewers until they signed up for the service. (“You have to pay to see our commercials!” is next level advertising evil.)  Despite making an effort to promptly review Supergirl’s final season & Doom Patrol season three, all people wanted to read about this weekend (by a gargantuan margin) was my year-old She-Hulk blog. So I’ll over analyze thirty seconds of footage seen for hers & Ms. Marvel’s forthcoming series. This is another instance of me having to use almost all my tags in a single blog! There’s also going to abundant SPOILERS!

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Binging Banshee Ruined Riverdale

Never Have I Ever, Dare Me, I Am Not Okay With This, & Teenage Bounty Hunters were better teen shows than Riverdale seasons 1-4. Sadly 3/4 were prematurely cancelled. Unfortunately Riverdale survived its teen years. This review is going to be even less coherent than season five itself. There’s a video essay purporting it completely gone insane, whereas I maintain it hasn’t gone insane enough. If you’ve come this far, you might as well read rambling SPOILERS for a series most already had the good sense to bail on.

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Barbara Wallace would be a perfect comics accurate Agatha Harkness too.

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Riverdale Returns, But We Still Need To Save Swamp Thing!

When we last left Riverdale, nothing had been resolved! Its fifth season premiere doesn’t feel like one because it wasn’t intended be a season premiere. Last season was cut short by three episodes. This was titled “Climax,” but it doesn’t feel like one either. I wouldn’t even be writing this episode up by its lonesome if it weren’t blog tradition to use its popularity to bring attention to a better prematurely cancelled series. It hasn’t worked for Lodge 49 yet, but  I’m giving it another go nonetheless. Am I going to need to come back in a fortnight to recap what would’ve been the fourth season finale & then do what would’ve been season five’s premiere the week after? Let me know! SPOILERS for a soap opera that continues to make no damn sense but has much better production values than the daytime variety!

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CAOS Part 4 Is A Hellish Snore

WW84 was a Christmas present that filled me with ambivalence. Meanwhile The Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina Part 4 should’ve been out for Halloween! Here be SPOILERS for a final season that’s sinfully dull. It’s not a rousing way to ring in 2021. Maybe releasing it on New Year’s Eve 2020 was a fitting summation for the year? Why’d I even bother using the “horror” tag? Luckily I can throw in some recommendations for better witchcraft cartoons at the end.

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“But how do we ensure nobody likes Sabrina anymore?” CAOS writers’ room

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Season Four Of Riverdale Runs Out

I haven’t ranted about Riverdale since last year when I was more concerned with mourning Lodge 49. (The latter is also what I did last week.) I guess the time is ripe now that it’s fourth “season finale” aired. Below are SPOILERS, but are they really spoilers if they still don’t add up in context? Lots of audacious stuff happened, but I don’t want to give the impression that this makes it inherently good. If you want the guano mad CW show that’s surprisingly masterful, you’re looking for Legends of Tomorrow! Why can’t Riverdale be more like Scooby-Doo: Mystery Incorporated? (Do not suggest Nancy Drew, as The CW’s iteration would be a mediocre detective without the novel addition of legitimutant ghosts.) Imagine if it was a cuckoo bananas as the Archie Comics instead of a dour murderfest!

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Sabrina Part 3 Is A Chaotic Muddle

The previous installment debuted my custom of The Demon’s Head, whereas this one will feature legitimutant demons. This is the first time there’s been a break in production betwixt CAOS parts, so arguable Part 3 is really season two. It’s eight episodes with a Part 4 boasting another eight already greenlit. So Part 3 & 4 were most likely one full season split in half again. Assorted non-chronological SPOILERS will chill your marrow to the very brink of sanity! I put way more thought into the supernatural worldbuilding than its writers did!

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“Allons-y!”

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Riverdale Returns, But Long Live Lodge 49!

I finally saw the last season of Game of Thrones. Selfishly I hoped I might be the weirdo who genuinely enjoyed it. It was as terrible as everyone said. I tried to be as unspoiled as possible, but it was an uphill battle.  I expected disappointment & was still aghast at how hard they dropped the ball. It was dreadful, with high production values & attachment to the cast being the meager saving graces. Has its reception further derailed Martin’s momentum for finishing the novels?

I could go into further detail, but it seems like there’s already a surplus of GOT think pieces. Forgoing an extended cold take, let us turn to Riverdale season four instead as it is moderately fresher. If you’d prefer to hear more of televisual travesties, however, I will be lamenting Lodge 49. (Orlando Jones being fired from American Gods is also disgraceful, but I haven’t even begun season two yet.) I’m gonna be real unpleasant to be around for the immediate future, but you should read onward notheless. EMBRACE THE ZUGZWANG, BABY!

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Riverdale Makes Less Sense Than The Flash?

Now that Agents of SHIELD has returned (“Synergy SNAFU Stymies SHIELD’s Sixth Season!” is the headline I should’ve used) to ABC, the CW’s comic book series are departing! I’m splitting up the SPOILERY season finale reviews this year! First up are The Flash & Riverdale! I haven’t truly blogged about the latter since its season premiere, so there’s plenty to cover & it still won’t make a lick o’ sense!

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